Left Over Thoughts...

While I was trying to go to sleep last night I continued reflecting on what I had just written in my blog about comparing.  I remembered earlier in the evening on the way to Evan's baseball game Emily asked me, "Mom, I heard you say something about a rose bush.  Did you get a rose bush?"  I answered and said, "Yes, I did, I got a knock-out rose bush -- like the ones we had at our house in Evansville."  Then I pointed to the landscaping at McDonald's that we were by and said, "see, like those pink ones."  She remembered and said, "oh yeah, I know what you're talking about."  I told Emily how I got the last yellow one they had because they were really pretty and we'd never had a yellow one before.  She responded, "That's good!  We don't want everything to be the same as what it was in Evansville!"  Me..."yup" - not even thinking about what she said.  And that was the end of the conversation.  It's just like God to use our kids to teach us something, huh?  I'm glad He reminded me how true what she said was later in the evening.

Some verses that came to my mind this morning:

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:18-19 
 Forget the former things;
   do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.


Thankful this morning for my blog...a place that I can write my thoughts and work through my feelings and emotions.  It has helped me to learn and grow and has been an outlet - almost a therapy of sorts for me since August.

The Comparison Game - A New Twist...

I am having a hard time with comparisons.  For once I'm not comparing like this: "she is prettier, more athletic, more likeable, etc" but comparing what I did have with what I have (or don't have) now.  Someone asked me how my Bible Study was going and I answered, 'good.'  Evidently it was underwhelming.  Which - oh my, it is going good!!  After she questioned whether I actually meant my 'good' answer I realized that yes, it is going well, but I am comparing it to my old Bible Study in Evansville - a few years of meeting together and bonding AFTER we had already known each other and served together for years and years before that.  What is just beginning here is NEVER going to compare - so why try?  But be thankful for what I am a part of here.  God is blessing me with these Godly women each week!!

The friendships I'm forming here are NOT "Kendra-like" - and probably won't ever be because she and every other friend back home I'm missing is unique.  Kendra is more 'unique' than most - ha ha ha - you like that, Kendra?   I should not be trying to replace her!  Hello???!!!  Doesn't the girl scout song go: Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

The soccer team that Emily is on here is not as good as E-ville, don't work together as well, she's not learning...blah blah blah - you get the point.  Jeff and I have had the hardest time watching on the side-line and comparing almost everything going on (or not going on) with how wonderful the last team Emily was on in Evansville - the one that Jeff got to assistant coach with a buddy and the girls clicked, worked together well, and won every game except one.  We obviously miss it - anyone listening to us would find us quite obnoxious!  Emily even was upset after the past game, as she doesn't have friends on her team - 'like she did in Evansville.'

Our 11 years of living in Evansville, Jeff and I made friends with many 'transplants' - couples who moved to the area from another state.  We always loved getting to know people from other places and the friendships that developed out of it.  Some of our best friends!  What always irritated us though - the comparisons.  Usually though - it was more of the soccer-type comparisons.  "Back home _____ was absolutely top notch.  This type of crap would not be acceptable."  Which considering they were basically putting down Evansville - the place we lived our whole lives and loved - we really didn't like.   Yeah, well, now I understand...  I understand that there are things in the place you lived your whole life that you just like better.  And there are people you don't want to let go of.  And there are things and relationships and groups that will not be replaced.  Since we've been here I've been very conscious of making sure I don't fall into the trap of 'things are not as good here' - of course, God blessed us by moving us somewhere that really is hard to find stuff we don't like!  Just look at these blue skies!! I even made a list on the side of my blog of things we've discovered we love about NC.  But you know what - it is okay that we don't love it all here.   But...it is not good that we are comparing things to how it used to be...because it is going to be different here.  And what 'used to be' has passed and what 'is' is here now.  Does that make sense?  Everything is different here.  I don't have to replace everything I had in Evansville with something identical here.  It's a new time.  Trust.  Be thankful...and gracious...for what we've been blessed with...  Still, allowing ourselves to mourn our losses - there is a time for everything.

Apart From Him I Can Do Nothing

We spent Easter with Jeff's parents visiting us.  Tony and Sue came down and joined us for a meal.  We even made some cheesy grits to go with our feast to make it truly southern!  The kids are on spring break now and I feel like I have caught up on a bunch around here.  The Silent Auction is coming along nicely.  I need to plan Evan's Mario Brother's birthday party that will be in about 3 weeks.  And I am looking forward to meeting back with my Bible Study on Monday after having the past two weeks off.

I have a nagging unhappy feeling that I can not accomplish two things that seem important to me right now.  I want to lose 5 pounds and I want to get up every morning and have God time before anyone else is up.  Why can I not accomplish either of these things? 

Romans 7:15-24  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.      So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

I know exactly what I need to do to get these 5 extra pounds off before they multiply into more - I even think about it while I shove the extra bites of chips and chocolate in.  I know exactly what I need to do to get up out of bed in the morning so I can have the quiet time with God before anyone else gets up - I even think about it while I hit snooze for the fifth time.  And while the comfort of the food and extra sleep feel good at that minute (even with the voice in my head saying - 'why are you doing this - this is not what you want to do') that next minute and few hours feels miserable for failing again.  Why do I do what I do not want to do?  Because evil is right there with me.  Satan has found a way to get to me that happens to work right now.  I also know that I am choosing comfort right now in these things over comfort in time with Him - that is sad.  And I sure am putting forth my best effort and my willpower.  But I will never win the war with my own strength.  This I know.  So, today, I am claiming John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" and Zechariah 4:6 NKJV "Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the LORD of hosts."

My Bible Study is on "Discovering God's Will For Your Life," and the lesson that I worked on today was about planning to do His will.  I spend a lot of time planning for things in my life.  I plan my whole day, weeks, months - my calendar is my life - I would literally be lost without it.  I feel in control (somewhat) with it.  How much time do I spend planning to do His Will?  I spend a lot of time organizing my time, planning it all out, keeping the family schedule straight - what activity is scheduled at what time and where.  The "Jesus Calling" devotion for April 1st said this:  "Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask my Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me."   Ouch!  Our Bible Study this week reminds me that planning for quiet times, healthy food choices, meals, exercise - all are part of God's will for my life.  But I need to also remember that I can not do any of this apart from Him.  My relationship with Him lately has been somewhat stale.  If I gave any earthly relationship this little attention it would definitely waiver.  Thankfully He is a God who does not waiver and is still right there waiting for me and forgiving me of my lack of effort.  His Spirit wants to help me do better.  He wants me to cling to Him and let Him do some of the planning - follow His lead and release finger by finger that tight grip I have on my time, my schedule, my calendar, my plans.

Stretched Thin

The hard work and blisters are paying off...

Notice there is now a house next door - almost done!

I have been a busy bee lately!  Whew!  I keep getting comments that I am 'glowing' or 'tan already' - someone asked if we'd been on vacation - just in my backyard...and the ballpark!  The landscaping is coming a long nicely.  I hung white lights up on the deck and with the speakers out there and the almost 24 hrs of shade and nice view it is something we are enjoying a ton already!  Next step for the backyard - some trees - big ones!!  Our grass in the backyard might be a hopeless cause.  It is so rocky...and dry.  We enjoyed several days outside in the backyard and on the deck with Jason, Robyn, AJ, and Jillian while they were visiting this past week.  They drove 12 hours from northern Indiana to come see us.  We have known Jason and Robyn since before we were married.  They are like family to us -- being a part of our lives through a lot of stuff.  We were all so excited to see them drive up.  We enjoyed showing them around, taking them to a soccer game, baseball game, church, Bible Study, pedicures, frozen yogurt, playing Draw Something on our phones, flying kites, having taco night, and just hanging out.  It was a great week.

I've had lunch with two of the girls from our LifeGroup over the past two weeks - that has been fun!  This weekend we are having fellowship time and a lunch together.  Emily has started soccer games now and Evan is playing one or two baseball games a week.  We got to go out with Steve and Wendy and their family also - tried Dippin' Dots for the first time!  LOL  I've been working on setting up our online auction for the Spring Fling that will be coming up in May.  Thankfully I am done volunteering with the after-school program for Tae Kwon Do - it wasn't hard - just more time spent.  

I had a really great Monday at my women's Bible Study this week!  Robyn came along and there was also a new girl that joined who is younger than all of us and single.  My desire is for our group to be very diverse with women in all stages of life so we can all encourage and mentor one another.  We met at a coffee shop this time and it was just really good.  I really enjoyed it.  I feel like God is helping me to feel more comfortable and giving me a renewed excitement for the group.  God's got good things planned - as usual.

Unfortunately, I really feel stretched thin right now.  I am not quite sure how I have ended up so busy - we are new here - I figured I'd be sitting twiddling my thumbs for the first year at least!  Just because I'm busy (or anyone else) doesn't mean I'm in a good spot though.  I seriously am having issues feeling in control of my schedule, my time, etc.  I am tired, so I can't get up in the morning, so I don't have my quiet times (which I desperately need), then I get only a few things accomplished during the day, feel behind on a bunch of stuff, and fall into bed tired.  Repeat.  I am missing my time with Him...must get back.  I don't have a routine yet...still.  I probably said 'yes' to a few too many things too quickly when we got here - I wanted to meet people and get involved.  Good is not always best though.  Right now, I am praying for guidance.  I want to be involved and every time that ANYthing comes up that remotely sounds like something I'd enjoy I have a desire to do it.  But then a lot of days I wish I had nothing to do so I could spend the day at home.  Not sure what is going on- what the correct balance is... have a feeling of being out of control and barely hanging on a lot of the time!  Confused and ready to just settle into normalcy and routine here.

Lord, please lead me to the right places, the right ways to be involved, the right use of my time.  More importantly, please help me to make time with You the most important and the non-negotiable part of my days.

Open Sores - In More Than One Way

I can not believe how the weather has changed so quickly!  We got sunburned sitting outside on Saturday during Evan's first baseball game.  We had to turn the a/c on and mow the grass.  It's like full fledged summer already!  The grass and trees are so pretty.  We've been working a lot on the landscaping in the backyard.  It is so therapeutic for me to go outside and pull some weeds and get my hands dirty.  Isn't that weird?  Of course now I have a huge blister on my hand - that is not so therapeutic. 

We accepted and signed an offer this past week that will allow a buyer to rent from us and then purchase the house within 9 months.  God answered our prayers, but once again it was not in our time frame and it was not the answer in the neat perfect little gift wrapped package that we expected!  When He answered our prayers after praying for years for a different job/promotion for Jeff - it wasn't exactly what we had planned to move to NC - but it was still an answer to prayer!!  And one that has been good for us!

Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  

We did not like the idea of renting, but this is the best of both worlds for us and the buyer.  Financially we will be good - rent covering our mortgage.  And the contract that was signed is for the purchase of the home...so it is a binding contract.  While we wish it was all done and over with and we were not going to own two homes for the next 9 months, God has provided for us and He has given us peace about this decision as each little detail about this deal has worked in our favor.  Halleluiah!

Some of you know that I have had some problems lately.  I had to have an ultrasound today and they found what I 'knew' (you know when something isn't right) - two cysts on my left ovary.  One is actually 2 inches big and fluid filled.  The other is smaller, but might be the endometrioma that I had problems with 8 years ago when I was trying to get pregnant with Evan.  The doctor wants to wait 8 weeks and do another ultrasound and see what happens.  Sometimes they go away - sometimes they burst (which apparently doesn't hurt much??) - sometimes they get bigger and cause problems.  The doctor will talk to me at that time what I need to do.  So, just waiting to see.

We are excited what God is going to do through our 'new' small group.  The Life Group we joined in January had about 13-14 couples and their children in it.  Needless to say it was a little overwhelming walking in to that and not knowing anyone.  Well, the time came Sunday that the groups had to 'birth' and become two.  It is neat that all of the couples Jeff and I felt we had connected with are ones that will be in our group.  The leaders of the group are the ones that originally invited us to come and Evan and their son are on the same baseball team this season.  Pastor Rob talked about community yesterday at church - he even asked how many people didn't have family here in Charlotte - almost everyone raised their hand.  Our church family will be our family here.  It is important for us to be part of a healthy community here. Unfortunately I have already been reminded what is not healthy for us.  It grieves me to think how I am starting over completely and having to trust people who I don't know very well and are sure to let me down (because ALL humans will let us down - they are incapable of meeting my needs - only He can do that!). At this point I am going to focus on my relationship with God and His complete acceptance and love for me.  I have been very humbly reminded of my fear to be alone - to not be needed or included.  I hurt - like an open wound.  But, I admit it - that I have a need for significance - like every single one of us - and now I am going to let my Father love on me for awhile.  Very thankful for our Life Group and my Bible Study Group - no, we don't know anyone in these groups that well yet - but we know their hearts and their similar-mindedness - thankful and prayerful for what is to come with our 'family' here.  Resting in His loving arms.

Growing Up

The past few weeks have gone by quickly.  And now, it seems as though spring is here - the flowers on the trees are open, the daffodils are up, the grass is greening, and the trees are all budding.  I love this time of year!!

We had a great visit with my parents.  They stayed for a week and we enjoyed it!  My dad put up wainscoting in the dining room for me - I 'helped.'  After I painted it it looks just exactly the way I wanted it!  It makes me smile to look at it! :)

Evan has started baseball practice - his first game is next Saturday already.  He is doing so much better than last year already and his coach is really great.  It seems like baseball is a big deal here - or maybe it is just that he's a year older this year.  There are some GOOD players out there...wow.  Evan is also enjoying his after school taekwondo that he is doing.  I am helping with the program so I get to watch him each week.  It is well run.  We may have to consider continuing in it after it is over.  Emily starts soccer practice on Wednesday next week.

Unfortunately I had an accident this week.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  The police officer said it was the other driver's fault. It was interesting how all the body shops started calling and telling me that our insurance contacted them and I needed to make an appointment and come get my repairs done.  Too bad that isn't the case.  It's unfortunate how people feel the need to make money.

We had our first women's Bible study at my house on Monday.  It went well.  Three other ladies are doing it with me.  I think it is going to be great!  I am doing an Initials, Inc. party this evening for my friend Alison.  She is in my Bible study too.  I am working on some of the landscaping for around the back part of the house when I can.  It all will definitely need a lot of work.  Good thing I enjoy it.  Love going out there and working.  I'd like to paint a bit more in the house soon too.  Spring is always a busy time with the kids in sports though, so not sure how much more I will get done.  We are so excited to have Jason, Robyn, AJ, and Jillian visiting in just a few weeks and then Chris and Judy, and then my parents again, and then Tyrone, Lynette, and their family for a day! 

Jeff and I continue to pray for guidance, discernment, and to do His will.  We have had 38 showings on our home.  It is constant battle to remain trusting and have faith that His plan is best.  He is growing us though.  And I am glad that we are here.  What an adventure this has been already.  And how we are growing in our faith through this!  We are also growing up - not being right near our parents has helped us with this.  Not that we enjoy not being near them!!  But now that we are...we are forced to 'grow up.'  Seems silly to say when we have been married for 13 years, have two kids, and are 35 years old!  

I definitely have felt closer to the kids and Jeff recently.  I will look at the kids and just try to freeze time for a bit.  I love watching Evan crawl around on the floor with his cars still - I love that he still plays.  But then my heart jumps for joy when I see him doing so much better with baseball this year - actually trying to catch the balls and doing it!  I want to slow time down with Emily who is so pretty and will come out of her room after spending some time getting dressed, doing her hair, getting stuff together in her purse, putting on perfume, and some glittery face stuff...wow...when did that happen?  I went to tuck her in this week and she had used some new shampoo.  It reminded me of the scent she had as a baby.  I just kept kissing her and wanted to snuggle up with her!!  It's good to stop and cherish where they are right now and chisel it into my memories.  Jeff and I are leaning on each other a lot too.  While we are making friends here - we've only been here a few months.  It is hard to not have the friendships like we did in Indiana.  It will come, we must have patience...and I guess in the mean time...I will continue to pour into the three people who matter the most anyway.

He says, "Test Me in this"

Friends and Neighbors - Latasha, Mary Kay, and I at Bunco Night on Monday

I haven't really talked about what I've been up to lately.  So...here it is...  Evan has been sick two times in the past two weeks.  Emily had her birthday, basketball games, and Girl Scout outings - cookies just came in too.  I have been working on Spring Fling auction donations, my Initials, Inc stuff, painting the house some, and helping my neighbor, Latasha, at her children's consignment store...  Mary Kay and I try to get our 3 mile walk in most days - it has been fantastic winter weather!  God has blessed me with great neighbors and wonderful girlfriends!  Evan is getting ready to start an after school Taekwondo program at school this week and will start baseball practice next week.  Emily finishes basketball this week and starts soccer soon.   We've loved every minute of our new church - it is so awesome to look forward to going and then be surrounded in such joy and celebration while there.  We feel challenged by the messages and are growing. We are meeting more and more people through our LifeGroup, some Impact Classes we are attending, and my monthly women's night.  It is so nice to recognize faces there and feel more and more comfortable each week.  

Speaking of Southbrook...Pastor Rob did a sermon series on generosity for a few weeks.  I have never been as convicted during a series about tithing and giving of ourselves.  Jeff and I had pretty much been ignoring the tithing here.  I mean, geesh, we have two house payments, right??  We were reminded during these sermons that tithing is an act of worship and obedience and one that will grow our faith.  

Is our allegience to God or to money?  Quickly we say, "God, absolutely!"

Matthew 6:24  No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.

Do we ever think though, "if we could just have a bit more money, a little raise, things would be so much better - and then we'd be in a place to give more" ?

Ecclesiates 5:10  Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.

Our possessions are His.  When we chose not to give Him what is His with our tithe we are robbing God.

Malachi 3:8-10 “Will a mere mortal rob God? Yet you rob me.  “But you ask, ‘How are we robbing you?’ “In tithes and offerings. You are under a curse—your whole nation—because you are robbing me. Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it."       Yes - this is from the OLD testement.  But, check out a few verses before this:  Malachi 3:6  "I the LORD do not change."

This is the only thing that God asks us to test Him on - He wants us to give and ust see what He will do for us.  SEE IF I WILL NOT THROW OPEN THE FLOODGATES OF HEAVEN!!  We hear about those who give and are repeatedly blessed and He always provides for them.  Why is it so hard to trust Him?

2 Corinthians 9:11 You will be enriched in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.

He says we will be blessed in all ways so that at all times we can be generous and a blessing to others - thus showing others God's love and leading them to Him!  I will give God my first and my best so He can bless the rest!  If God does not get my first and my best - who or what does then??  Matthew 12:30 "He who is not with Me is against Me."

So, Jeff and I were gripped with conviction.  Yes, we have two house payments.  No, I have no idea how we are making ends meet.  But we will increase our faith in God by being obedient and giving Him what is His.  He will be first in our lives.  I have always done the finances and when it comes to tithing in the past - I really have not loved to do it.  I do it, but not with a joyful spirit.  I can honestly say that I enjoyed writing the past few checks - knowing what is in store for us.  Knowing that He will provide for us and will give us what we need in order to be a blessing to others!  And, evidently a lot of the congregation feel the same - during Sunday's tithe and offering a cheer broke out.  God smiled.

If you are interested, you can listen to Pastor Rob's Genome series here:  http://southbrookchurch.com/multimedia