Playing With Fire

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.  Galatians 1:10

This has been a big struggle for years and years.  Seeking the approval of man, keeping man (or wo-man) happy with me at all costs.   It drove me nuts when I found out or even just thought that someone 'might' have a problem with me, might not like me, etc.  Even though I've been set free from the crippling addiction that I once had, Satan will throw arrows my way every so often to see if I will entertain them.  Some of what I worry about is very silly - embarrassing to admit.  "Why is it that she has not attempted any contact with me this summer?  Why does she comment on everyone else's facebook but not mine?"  (Let's just face it - facebook can just be a bad place to hangout when you aren't prayed up, huh?  Can I get an 'amen?!')  So does it matter that she's not contacted me at all?  The old addicted me would say YES!, obsess about the thought AND do everything in my power to get my 'fix.'  My approval fix would come in the form of making contact with this person...but not because I want to have contact, but so I can hear the magic words that make my world better for that moment - "no, everything is great, you're fine!"   And there's my high!  My world is okay for the moment.  I'm in control and everyone is okay with me.  There was a point in my life that I didn't even realize this is what I did and why.  Now, as a recovered approval addict, it's hard...still.  The minute a thought like these are thought, I have to put my foot down, like squashing a stray hot ash escaped from the fire.  If I entertain the thought, I'm fanning that hot ash and giving it what it needs to suddenly become an out of control, blazing inferno.  It's a lot easier to stop it with a squash than to try to battle a forest fire!  But I have to be honest, sometimes I just want to play with the fire...

The past few months I've been kind of blah...and since I was already down and really not doing much for God, I don't think I was necessarily a target for the devil.  This past week I've become excited about some opportunities to serve God and His Word has become alive again.  I've talked with a few sisters in Christ and was loved on by my leadership group at church.   I could tell the minute that I began feeling more joyful and hopeful that the attacks began again.  Thoughts that I should not be thinking, fanning the ashes...

The verse says, 'if I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.'  God knows that I used to try to please man and am still tempted often.  If I am STILL trying to, however, I am ineffective for God's kingdom.   I will continue to fight this battle - man's approval will get me nothing.  I want to be a servant of Christ more than I want anyone to like me.  

Help me Lord, to be a good fire fighter - to squash out the thoughts immediately and to focus on being a servant of Christ -- not a pleaser of man!

Image courtesy of digidreamgrafix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Primary Concern

I grabbed the book "After The Boxes Are Unpacked" off of my shelf again this weekend.  It's been almost two years, so I felt a little weird...but there was a chapter tucked away just for me still.  Chapter 11 'A Place in Your Heart Called Loneliness' was just what I needed.  How many times lately have I said I'm lonely?  Ugh.  I'm so tired of it.  This little nugget of advice is what I needed to read:

Don't try to fill up your life with people, things, or activities to escape from loneliness.  The emptiness you feel should first be filled by God; then He will bring the right people into your life to ease the loneliness. 

Similarly, my sweet sister-in-law just suggested a month or so ago that maybe God was wanting more of me.  More of my time.  I think she was onto something there!  

My sweet sister

Advice that would have been helpful two years ago probably.  Did I jump in too fast?  I was afraid of becoming lonely when we moved here so I did everything I could to get involved, filling my life with people and activities.  I did what I do best and took control and tried to make things work.  Some of those activities proved to not be the best for me and slowly I'm seeing bit by bit where I fit in.  It is definitely slow-going though.  And I have to guard against comparing how others have adjusted in less time.  Now that my life isn't as noisy, I can tell I'm missing something.  It's not ice cream, even though I've unfortunately tried to fill it with that!  I can't live my life being dissatisfied with my circumstances and where God has me and longing for what I don't have.  I must take this pain to my Father, who knows what it is like to be lonely, and make Him my all...and He promises to give me what I need.  Luke 12:31 promises, 'He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.'  

Father, please help me to believe your promise in Luke.  Help me to make You and You alone my primary concern!!

Reflections on a Small Part of God's Creation

We had a great time on the beach in the Outer Banks over the past few days.  Each time I've been to the beach recently, I am more and more in awe of God's amazing creation and just how big He is!

The way the waves just continue coming...over and over and over...and don't stop.  The quantity of itty bitty grains of sand on one beach...the way it feels on your bare feet.  The vastness of the water.  The continuous breeze and the sound of the water - the waves crashing.  The colors, the sounds, the smells, the emotions that make the 'real world' melt away...  The way the waves are SO powerful that it can totally pull you under or knock you down, even hurt when it smacks you in the back!

The trillions of grains of sand on the beach reminds me how He knows how many hairs are on my head and I don't doubt at all that He knows how may grains of sand are on the beach - He is all knowing.  It is purely amazing.  Psalm 139:17-18 (NIV) says, "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them, Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I am awake, I am still with you." His thoughts about me are more numerous than the grains of sand!!  He thinks about me constantly!!  (and you too!) Whoa...

This visit to the beach, Jeff invited me to get up with him for the sunrise on the beach one morning.  Which, on a side note, was such a romantic thing!  We looked it up online - what time to expect the sunrise.  Of course, it listed it to the exact minute.  We have faith that the sun will rise every morning and we know the exact time to depend on it to come up.  Sitting on the beach watching the orange sun peak just over the blue horizon I was struck with the beauty of it all.  God, even more sure than the sunrise, is dependable - showing up on time.  More so than the things we have faith in here on this earth -- the seasons changing, the sun rising and setting, our next breath and heartbeat without thinking about it -- God is worthy of our faith and worthy to depend on.  He is on time.  It is nice that we can pin a time on the sunrise, the tides changing, a flight taking off (sometimes), and the beginning of the school day...but sometimes we don't know the time of events.  We don't know when we will die, or when we will conceive, or when to expect the next storm in our lives.  But God does...and He is on time.   Always...

We can try to predict the sunrise time, a storm coming, and reactions of others.  But we can't predict exactly what to expect from God.  Although He is always dependable and has proven that He can be trusted, He is God and we do not know His ways - so he is unpredictable to us.  But He is in control fully.  Unpredictable to us yet fully in control.  Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV) says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

I had to sit down and reflect about the wonder and beauty of the ocean and how it allows me to draw near to God.  How it makes Him so amazing and so big in my eyes.  My hope is that I can find the same beauty and wonder in each and every day - because it is there - my eyes just need to be open and my heart needs to be looking for it.  A piece of Him - every day - every place.

A Left Out Puzzle Piece, An Alien? Nope...a Woman

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit?  Am I the only one?  I'm like a puzzle piece in several boxes of puzzle pieces and I seem like all the other pieces - I hang out with them and enjoy them.  But when it comes down to it...I'm not one of the pieces of the puzzle.  Like, the puzzle can be put together without me.  If I was lost out of the box - no one would look for me.  Ok, so that sounds pretty bleak, huh?  I can't help but feel a little sad lately.  Overall I think I'm happy.  I feel blessed here.  It is just a new experience - moving away.  We are coming up on being here for two years.  In the past two years I have gone above and beyond 'getting involved' and making new friends.  And I've met a lot of people, had a lot of fun and made a few good friends.  I guess I assume that two years after moving you are settled in perfectly. I just don't think I am.  I still just can't shake the feelings of loneliness that overcome me every now and then.  I feel frustrated too, that I just don't feel a part of the things I'm involved in.  I literally feel like I could stop doing what I do all the time and no one would notice.   Bleak, huh?  Yeah, I know.

God has been encouraging me over the past week as I've been pondering this (even though I've spent the majority of the week moping).  Being patient would be to my benefit - no big surprise here.  Longing for what I don't have is not going to make things better.  Thanking Him for the gifts He has given me - my husband, my kids, my friends - new and old, and my relationship with Him.  Falling at His feet and repenting for my unhappiness with what I don't have.  Praying over what He is wanting for me, what He is leading me to.  The fact that I have not connected deeply in many of the things that I've been involved in and with the people I've spent time with, requires me to take a look at what I should be doing with my time.  Relationships are important.  We were created for them.  I pray that He brings me deep godly connections in my life and that I would shift my need for those to a more healthier thinking -- I do not NEED people (for my purposes), but I want to LOVE them (for God's purposes).

I am encouraged as I read the first chapters of  "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge this morning.  Man and woman were made in God's image.  As women, we long for relationship, to be wanted, needed, chosen...to belong.  God does too - we were made in His image.  He wants these things too!  Mr. Eldridge says, "This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired."  I was just simply amazed by this...and am somewhat relieved to know that it is 'okay' to desire relationships/to want to belong so much - that it isn't a weakness or insecurity.  It's how God made me and every woman.

I am reminded today that as badly as I want those things...God wants them, too.  When is the last time I showed Him the amount of attention that I'd like shown to me?   And when is the last time that I sought after Him fiercely?  "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

I also am reminded that I do belong.  I may feel like an alien and have a natural hurt inside because I'm lonely.  But...my citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and when the Lord comes back for us, I will belong completely and my heart will be whole.

Image courtesy of Anusorn P Nachol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Gentleness - Assuming the Best and Giving Grace

My writing has become few and far between.  I miss it!  I was tunnel-visioned in on Spring Fling Thing and the Silent Auction then came the rest of May - Jeff's birthday, Evan's birthday, Mother's Day, a visit from my parents and the beginning of the end of school festivities!  Feeling very blessed these days here in North Carolina!

My six month leadership Journey group at church is coming to an end soon.  I've been so blessed to get to know the other ladies in this group.  I've learned a ton through the books we've read and the conversations/meetings I've had with each of the girls.  So much wisdom in these women!

Recently in two of the books I've read for this group, God has opened my eyes to yet another thing He wants me to work on as I become more like Him daily.  It has been my prayer for probably the past year that I would be gentle in spirit.  It is so endearing to be around women who have a gentleness about them.  Doesn't mean they aren't strong, but it does mean they aren't loud and bossy!  I long to be someone that others see as gentle. And more importantly - someone that I know is gentle on the inside too!

I think that as I seek to be gentle, God has taught me about the grace that He has extended.  The benefit of the doubt that He gave me.  He didn't jump to conclusions with me.  The way He looks at me - by looking at my heart and my intentions and not always my messed up actions.  He gave grace to me (and to YOU!) by allowing His only Son to die and be punished for my mistakes and sins.  Jesus was my replacement.  He was punished and died in my place so that I didn't have to.  And now that He paid for those sins that I have committed, am committing, and will commit during my life - I can have a relationship with God Almighty - because my sins are covered and He sees me as pure and holy.  Did I deserve to have my sins paid for?  No.  Did I do anything to earn this gift?  No.  It is purely grace that was given to me.  Undeserved, unearned and generous.  Just like a gift wrapped up and handed to me - all I have to do to receive it, is accept it out of the giver's hands.   He's holding out that gift with a big bow on it to you, too - whether you accept it or not.  But the joy of accepting this grace He's given is amazing.  Letting Him into your life and saying, "I need help, I'm sorry, I can't do this on my own - thank You for paying for my sins with Your Son Jesus" - it's all that is needed to spend eternity in the presence of the God who is full of grace, benefits of the doubt, never jumping to conclusions, and a judge of the heart - not our messed up actions.

The Holy Spirit recently really grabbed my heart and asked - 'why do you not give others the benefit of the doubt?  Why do you look at people's actions and judge so harshly?  Why don't you look at their intentions and their heart?'  Ouch...  This really was hit home a month or so ago when I assumed something about someone (given the behavior I had seen in the past from this person) that ended up not being the case at all.  Thankfully I had not opened my mouth to anyone except my loving husband, but it was still a sin.  I am still grieved that I can be so cruel.

I tend to jump to conclusions over an action or a comment by another that isn't as straightforward as it could be.  It may come from some past hurts - people intentionally hurting me - when there was no question that the words and actions were for nothing more than harm (because they said so and were clear.)  It many also come from the past low self-esteem that I had for so long.  The 'I assume the worst because I'm not worthy of the best' type thinking.  I also know what I, myself, am capable of - I unfortunately am capable of mean thoughts and actions - so it's easy to think that the person in question may be doing that too.  Negative self talk and lies of Satan has a role in this too.  It is easy for me to go down a path in my mind that is not those 'good, pure, and true' things that I should be thinking of.  Instead I wallow in the what if's and lies that the enemy enjoys using while I sit and 'assume' that she/he probably did that on purpose with very ill intent!  

So, as I was reading this month, here is what I learned.  "In general - you get what you expect from others."  Here are some good guidelines:

• Don't assume the worst - assume the best!
• See things from their perspective.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Remember their good days not their bad ones.
• Forget about justice - instead, focus on grace and forgiveness.
• Appreciate what others intend - not only what they do!

*Taken from 25 Ways to Win with People by John C. Maxwell

I am sure that giving other's grace and assuming the best in others are keys to being a 'gentle' and kind spirit.  As I have become aware of this character flaw of mine, I will work on not judging people's outward appearance and their actions - but focusing on the heart, their intentions and the good in them -- just like Jesus does.  Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes and giving me strength and power to become more gentle, more grace-filled and more like You!

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  

Colossians 3:12

This is All God. This is All God's Plan.

While listening to the radio this morning I heard the hosts talking about Kevin Ware (the Louisville basketball player who broke his leg during the game last weekend - in case you've been living under a rock.) Evidently he told CNN in an interview, "This is all God. This is all God's plan. He would never let anything happen that He wouldn't want to happen. He controls everything. Without God there is no us. This is just another situation that is going to mature me and get me to a better mindset." .......Wow!


In the past two days I've read two chapters in two different books that have focused on the hope found in verse Romans 8:28. "We know that God causes all things to work together for good." I think that the 'coincidence' that I read these chapters and heard Kevin's interview in a matter of 24 hours may be God telling me that I need to meditate on this verse and just what it means.


ALL things. ALL people. ALL tragedies, disasters, trials, illnesses, sins. Every time a door is closed - every time we are removed from a wonderful experience, like Kevin Ware, and not allowed to continue. Every thing that happens to us and around us and by us - the big things, the small things, the good and the bad. He uses it all to bless us, make us more Christlike and to bring Himself glory. If we completely believe (have faith) "that God causes all things to work together for good" then we have hope. We have comfort. We can release bitterness and anger over our circumstances. We realize that our circumstances are not an accident --there is a purpose to what is happening to us and around us. We have a reason to 'let go and let God.' We don't have to know 'why' this is happening like this - but just that He is going to work all things together for good. He is for us, not against us. It may hurt...but He meets our needs by giving us strength to get through it.


Our whole outlook on life can change. For the positive. Instead of wondering why God allowed that person to consistently grumble about the negative and talk down to us at work..know that He has a plan. He will use this for good. He allowed this to happen. And, it might, just might...not be about us. Instead of groaning in frustration that our kids are sick again and all of the plans we had for the day will have to be rescheduled, we realize that it is part of God's plan to give us rest, our children attention and extra cuddle time. Instead of falling to pieces over the loss of a job, we know that He is using this situation to grow us and our family and He has plans for good for us. We also need to remember that how we react to these circumstances in our lives is how a lot of people form their opinions on what Christianity is about.


Sometimes, stuff happens that makes us just say 'why? Why would you do that? It's so awful. They want children so badly, God..why did you let another one of their babies die? They have already lost one house, why again? Children shouldn't have to die of cancer, God! In these why moments it looks like there is really no good to come out of it... This is when we have to acknowledge our humanness and humble ourselves...and fall back on faith...trust that even though we don't have any explanation as to 'why?' and we see no 'good in this situation' - God knows what He is doing (better than us) and He promises that He will cause all things to work together for good.


And so then, with renewed strength, we go on... And when the next thing comes into our lives that challenges us, we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be, God has us in the palm of His hand, and we look at it as an opportunity to grow our faith and relationship with God. And when CNN interviews us about our challenge, we say, 'this is just another situation that is going to mature me...this is all God's plan.'

Timeless Advice

SOLD and CLOSED!

I just read our pastor's blog a bit ago and enjoyed reading a few scriptures he referenced from Deuteronomy about Moses instructing the people of Israel before they entered the promised land.  I became curious at what all Moses instructed them on, so I looked it up.  

I've compared several aspects of our journey over the past 19 months to what the Israelites experienced - constant/perfect provision from God, grumbling/complaining attitude, the need to remember what God has done for us...  So, I thought it'd be good for me to read up on what God wanted Moses to tell the Israelites after they were finally getting what they had sought after for so long.  He had quite a bit to instruct them on, but a few things stood out to me as timeless advice for us.

• Praise Him and give Him thanks!  When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Deuteronomy 8:10
• Don't forget Who got us here - Who worked it out for us.  Remember!!  Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.  Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.  He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions.  He brought you water out of hard rock.  He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you.  You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me."  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:11-18
• Worship the Lord, obey Him, love Him and serve Him.  And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?  Deuteronomy 10:12-13
• Guard against worshiping other gods - like money, relationships, things, hobbies, etc.  Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Deuteronomy 11:16
• Intentionally and regularly place the word of God in our hearts and minds and in our kids' hearts and minds.  Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-20

There's really nothing about these instructions that screams 'You-just-got-what-you-wanted-and-God-has-answered-your-prayers - you-had-better-be-on-guard!'  I wouldn't guess that we'd need to be especially on guard, but the Israelites sure were warned about a lot.  We need to take care to continue to cling to God like we have during our journey.  I can see a big exhale coming.  Relaxing...  slacking...  But we can not slack on our relationship with God...ever.  When I relax and am not diligent about guarding my heart and my mind, the devil can get in quietly and damage is done.   

In the past month while starting to relax some and waiting for our closing we have already been attacked in several ways.  We forgot His faithfulness - we started worrying.  But He quickly taught us the importance of revisiting and remembering His loving care for us.  I allowed a 'vacation' to begin once an offer was made on the house - it was unintentional, but it happened.  My reliance on Him relaxed and I wasn't diligent in my time with Him.  Slowly and quietly my mind was eaten up with lies and untruths about almost every area of my life.  Satan said, "Look here, she is relaxing, she is taking a break, and I know where I can get to her and make her ineffective for Christ.'  I was so thankful that last weekend God brought me to familiar scriptures through friends and books that He wanted me to camp on:  Philippians 4:6-9 says, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.'

So, yes, this season is ending.  Finally.  Another begins though and we will always have struggles.  Circumstances shouldn't dictate our happiness.  Our faith in God will give us joy if we allow it to.  It has been hard, but God has taught us so much while shaping us into people who reflect Him a bit more clearly.  He has sustained us. God has done great things for us and we will sing for joy!