Spirit lead me...to forgive.

Holy Spirit, Helper,

All my walls are down I say...yet why when I pray do I feel like there is a blockage?  What's there, tough and sinewy, not of God, trying to intercept the words I speak to Him like a spider web?  Plaque in an artery, gunked up and sticky, not easily removed, affecting my whole body?

Sin, more directly, unforgiveness.  Although I've forgiven I haven't forgiven.  Forgiving, evidently, can be harder than I thought.  Repenting, turning away from this behavior, Spirit, lead me how to forgive.

But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.  Isaiah 59:2

Grace - God's free and unmerited favor toward me.  While I was still insulting Him and His ways, He softened my heart and drew me to Him to hold me and love me.  And what did I do to deserve this? Nothing.  I did nothing.

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8

Forgiveness - Canceling a debt.  I needed to pay for all those sins I committed, but Jesus did it for me and now I'm forgiven, my debt is canceled.  I still continue to make mistakes.  I'm not perfect.  I still require more grace and more forgiveness.  I'm little, I'm human. And others are too.  We all require forgiveness and grace.

But Jesus was saying, Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.  Luke 22:34a

So, as I look to forgive like God repeatedly forgives me - I will exercise grace, I will love, I will extend my forgiveness much like a gift - not expecting anything in return - no strings attached.  I will cancel the debt owed.  I will not expect that I'll never be hurt again.  As I cut through the tough fibers, they will release her from the debt of what she took from me, cutting the unhealthy tie to the offense and opening up more communication with Him.  And when the plaque wants to start to stick again, reminding me how I was wronged, it will find no place to stick as I tell it that she, like me, needs grace and I'm going to extend it.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:32

Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'  Matthew 18:33

As I write these words I can literally feel my heart softening, thank you for helping, Holy Spirit.  This is my heart, help me to do it.

-Amen

Yesterday's Sunrise

Jesus Came For The Broken

The season of healing continues for me.  Although pain and sadness has abounded through this season, I am confident that the work that He started in me is being strengthened and made better.  I know that He has purposed this season in my life for healing, growing and learning - making the circumstances what they are and opening my eyes to what was unseen and peeling layers that haven't seen light in years.

Just recently I can see how there is a specific desire and passion welling up in me as I learn more and more about Jesus.  Let me share.

Jesus came, He says in Luke 4:18, for this purpose:  'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free'

Thanks to my friend, Sean Glaze, for this beautiful picture!

Psalm 34:18 says, 'The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.'

In the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:4, Jesus taught, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.'  A promise.

Psalm 56:8 says, 'You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.'  I have always hated crying, but He hurts with me and must think that my tears are important and significant enough to save.

Matthew 9:11-12, 'When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick."'   - Jesus chose to hang out with those who were sinners, who were choosing a lifestyle that wasn't godly, who were mourning and weeping, who were broken and hurting.  He wasn't drawn to those who were pretending to have it all together and to already be righteous, like the Pharisees.  Those who could not humble themselves enough to admit their weakness missed out!!

So, over and over we're shown how much Jesus loved and comforted those who were a hot mess!!  I am taking extreme comfort in the fact that in my weakness, He is strong.  But I'm wrestling with this: If we are the hands and feet of Jesus - shouldn't we be doing what He did?  Shouldn't we be weeping with those who weep (Jesus wept)?  Shouldn't we be comforting those who are broken?  I realize that we do not live in the biblical times of weeping and wailing and tearing your clothes when you are sad, but I bet those people were healthier.  I bet that they grieved well.  I bet since emotions were shown when needed, others were not scared by it and knew a bit more how to comfort and encourage. Of course in these days, we need to have grace that not all understand what to do to help those who are hurting!  Some though, are gifted in mercy-showing and encouragement and prayer.  We live in a time where emotions have become 'bad.'  Why over the years has it become the norm to stuff and ignore and deny our emotions?

Many, many, many people are suffering silently and some are brave enough to show that they are a very blessed mess.  Whether they are trying to be perfect, trying to earn love, depressed, anxious, hurting physically, mourning a loss of relationship through death, divorce, a move, or an ended relationship, trying to be all to everyone, facing an addiction, being abused in some way or another or living through the consequences of bad choices - wow, I could go on and on and on.  People are hurting...badly...and most of us just push that emotion away and fill our time with more stuff, more serving, more things, better things...  I know.  But sometimes He allows us to break and that emotion that we thought was gone...well, it makes an untimely appearance.  He has said to me, 'Amy, you can't keep it up, always trying harder.  You are tired and weary and I have come to give you rest.  You are unwell and I am your Physician.  You are broken and I long to make you whole.'

I close my eyes and see the church filled with open arms to allow others to wail and tear their clothes in sadness...filled with those who are accepting and understanding when it takes years to heal and change ...who are comfortable around emotions of all kinds.  I'm seeing heaven I'm sure - Jesus, really.  But, as a friend recently said, "And if my Lord showed compassion for the lost and broken of the world, how much more should we not show that same love and compassion to our own who are suffering in silence.  You are not alone.  You will never be alone."  

Another small step of being more like Jesus.  It seems these new desires and passions are spurring me to explore opportunities to allow others to have a safe place to express their emotion and be accepted while doing so.  I trust that He will reveal more of what He wants me to do with this when the time is right, for now I'm resting in all I've learned.

Gentleness - Assuming the Best and Giving Grace

My writing has become few and far between.  I miss it!  I was tunnel-visioned in on Spring Fling Thing and the Silent Auction then came the rest of May - Jeff's birthday, Evan's birthday, Mother's Day, a visit from my parents and the beginning of the end of school festivities!  Feeling very blessed these days here in North Carolina!

My six month leadership Journey group at church is coming to an end soon.  I've been so blessed to get to know the other ladies in this group.  I've learned a ton through the books we've read and the conversations/meetings I've had with each of the girls.  So much wisdom in these women!

Recently in two of the books I've read for this group, God has opened my eyes to yet another thing He wants me to work on as I become more like Him daily.  It has been my prayer for probably the past year that I would be gentle in spirit.  It is so endearing to be around women who have a gentleness about them.  Doesn't mean they aren't strong, but it does mean they aren't loud and bossy!  I long to be someone that others see as gentle. And more importantly - someone that I know is gentle on the inside too!

I think that as I seek to be gentle, God has taught me about the grace that He has extended.  The benefit of the doubt that He gave me.  He didn't jump to conclusions with me.  The way He looks at me - by looking at my heart and my intentions and not always my messed up actions.  He gave grace to me (and to YOU!) by allowing His only Son to die and be punished for my mistakes and sins.  Jesus was my replacement.  He was punished and died in my place so that I didn't have to.  And now that He paid for those sins that I have committed, am committing, and will commit during my life - I can have a relationship with God Almighty - because my sins are covered and He sees me as pure and holy.  Did I deserve to have my sins paid for?  No.  Did I do anything to earn this gift?  No.  It is purely grace that was given to me.  Undeserved, unearned and generous.  Just like a gift wrapped up and handed to me - all I have to do to receive it, is accept it out of the giver's hands.   He's holding out that gift with a big bow on it to you, too - whether you accept it or not.  But the joy of accepting this grace He's given is amazing.  Letting Him into your life and saying, "I need help, I'm sorry, I can't do this on my own - thank You for paying for my sins with Your Son Jesus" - it's all that is needed to spend eternity in the presence of the God who is full of grace, benefits of the doubt, never jumping to conclusions, and a judge of the heart - not our messed up actions.

The Holy Spirit recently really grabbed my heart and asked - 'why do you not give others the benefit of the doubt?  Why do you look at people's actions and judge so harshly?  Why don't you look at their intentions and their heart?'  Ouch...  This really was hit home a month or so ago when I assumed something about someone (given the behavior I had seen in the past from this person) that ended up not being the case at all.  Thankfully I had not opened my mouth to anyone except my loving husband, but it was still a sin.  I am still grieved that I can be so cruel.

I tend to jump to conclusions over an action or a comment by another that isn't as straightforward as it could be.  It may come from some past hurts - people intentionally hurting me - when there was no question that the words and actions were for nothing more than harm (because they said so and were clear.)  It many also come from the past low self-esteem that I had for so long.  The 'I assume the worst because I'm not worthy of the best' type thinking.  I also know what I, myself, am capable of - I unfortunately am capable of mean thoughts and actions - so it's easy to think that the person in question may be doing that too.  Negative self talk and lies of Satan has a role in this too.  It is easy for me to go down a path in my mind that is not those 'good, pure, and true' things that I should be thinking of.  Instead I wallow in the what if's and lies that the enemy enjoys using while I sit and 'assume' that she/he probably did that on purpose with very ill intent!  

So, as I was reading this month, here is what I learned.  "In general - you get what you expect from others."  Here are some good guidelines:

• Don't assume the worst - assume the best!
• See things from their perspective.
• Give people the benefit of the doubt.
• Remember their good days not their bad ones.
• Forget about justice - instead, focus on grace and forgiveness.
• Appreciate what others intend - not only what they do!

*Taken from 25 Ways to Win with People by John C. Maxwell

I am sure that giving other's grace and assuming the best in others are keys to being a 'gentle' and kind spirit.  As I have become aware of this character flaw of mine, I will work on not judging people's outward appearance and their actions - but focusing on the heart, their intentions and the good in them -- just like Jesus does.  Thank you, Lord, for opening my eyes and giving me strength and power to become more gentle, more grace-filled and more like You!

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  

Colossians 3:12