Jesus Came For The Broken

The season of healing continues for me.  Although pain and sadness has abounded through this season, I am confident that the work that He started in me is being strengthened and made better.  I know that He has purposed this season in my life for healing, growing and learning - making the circumstances what they are and opening my eyes to what was unseen and peeling layers that haven't seen light in years.

Just recently I can see how there is a specific desire and passion welling up in me as I learn more and more about Jesus.  Let me share.

Jesus came, He says in Luke 4:18, for this purpose:  'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free'

Thanks to my friend, Sean Glaze, for this beautiful picture!

Psalm 34:18 says, 'The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.'

In the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:4, Jesus taught, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.'  A promise.

Psalm 56:8 says, 'You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.'  I have always hated crying, but He hurts with me and must think that my tears are important and significant enough to save.

Matthew 9:11-12, 'When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick."'   - Jesus chose to hang out with those who were sinners, who were choosing a lifestyle that wasn't godly, who were mourning and weeping, who were broken and hurting.  He wasn't drawn to those who were pretending to have it all together and to already be righteous, like the Pharisees.  Those who could not humble themselves enough to admit their weakness missed out!!

So, over and over we're shown how much Jesus loved and comforted those who were a hot mess!!  I am taking extreme comfort in the fact that in my weakness, He is strong.  But I'm wrestling with this: If we are the hands and feet of Jesus - shouldn't we be doing what He did?  Shouldn't we be weeping with those who weep (Jesus wept)?  Shouldn't we be comforting those who are broken?  I realize that we do not live in the biblical times of weeping and wailing and tearing your clothes when you are sad, but I bet those people were healthier.  I bet that they grieved well.  I bet since emotions were shown when needed, others were not scared by it and knew a bit more how to comfort and encourage. Of course in these days, we need to have grace that not all understand what to do to help those who are hurting!  Some though, are gifted in mercy-showing and encouragement and prayer.  We live in a time where emotions have become 'bad.'  Why over the years has it become the norm to stuff and ignore and deny our emotions?

Many, many, many people are suffering silently and some are brave enough to show that they are a very blessed mess.  Whether they are trying to be perfect, trying to earn love, depressed, anxious, hurting physically, mourning a loss of relationship through death, divorce, a move, or an ended relationship, trying to be all to everyone, facing an addiction, being abused in some way or another or living through the consequences of bad choices - wow, I could go on and on and on.  People are hurting...badly...and most of us just push that emotion away and fill our time with more stuff, more serving, more things, better things...  I know.  But sometimes He allows us to break and that emotion that we thought was gone...well, it makes an untimely appearance.  He has said to me, 'Amy, you can't keep it up, always trying harder.  You are tired and weary and I have come to give you rest.  You are unwell and I am your Physician.  You are broken and I long to make you whole.'

I close my eyes and see the church filled with open arms to allow others to wail and tear their clothes in sadness...filled with those who are accepting and understanding when it takes years to heal and change ...who are comfortable around emotions of all kinds.  I'm seeing heaven I'm sure - Jesus, really.  But, as a friend recently said, "And if my Lord showed compassion for the lost and broken of the world, how much more should we not show that same love and compassion to our own who are suffering in silence.  You are not alone.  You will never be alone."  

Another small step of being more like Jesus.  It seems these new desires and passions are spurring me to explore opportunities to allow others to have a safe place to express their emotion and be accepted while doing so.  I trust that He will reveal more of what He wants me to do with this when the time is right, for now I'm resting in all I've learned.

A Left Out Puzzle Piece, An Alien? Nope...a Woman

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit?  Am I the only one?  I'm like a puzzle piece in several boxes of puzzle pieces and I seem like all the other pieces - I hang out with them and enjoy them.  But when it comes down to it...I'm not one of the pieces of the puzzle.  Like, the puzzle can be put together without me.  If I was lost out of the box - no one would look for me.  Ok, so that sounds pretty bleak, huh?  I can't help but feel a little sad lately.  Overall I think I'm happy.  I feel blessed here.  It is just a new experience - moving away.  We are coming up on being here for two years.  In the past two years I have gone above and beyond 'getting involved' and making new friends.  And I've met a lot of people, had a lot of fun and made a few good friends.  I guess I assume that two years after moving you are settled in perfectly. I just don't think I am.  I still just can't shake the feelings of loneliness that overcome me every now and then.  I feel frustrated too, that I just don't feel a part of the things I'm involved in.  I literally feel like I could stop doing what I do all the time and no one would notice.   Bleak, huh?  Yeah, I know.

God has been encouraging me over the past week as I've been pondering this (even though I've spent the majority of the week moping).  Being patient would be to my benefit - no big surprise here.  Longing for what I don't have is not going to make things better.  Thanking Him for the gifts He has given me - my husband, my kids, my friends - new and old, and my relationship with Him.  Falling at His feet and repenting for my unhappiness with what I don't have.  Praying over what He is wanting for me, what He is leading me to.  The fact that I have not connected deeply in many of the things that I've been involved in and with the people I've spent time with, requires me to take a look at what I should be doing with my time.  Relationships are important.  We were created for them.  I pray that He brings me deep godly connections in my life and that I would shift my need for those to a more healthier thinking -- I do not NEED people (for my purposes), but I want to LOVE them (for God's purposes).

I am encouraged as I read the first chapters of  "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge this morning.  Man and woman were made in God's image.  As women, we long for relationship, to be wanted, needed, chosen...to belong.  God does too - we were made in His image.  He wants these things too!  Mr. Eldridge says, "This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired."  I was just simply amazed by this...and am somewhat relieved to know that it is 'okay' to desire relationships/to want to belong so much - that it isn't a weakness or insecurity.  It's how God made me and every woman.

I am reminded today that as badly as I want those things...God wants them, too.  When is the last time I showed Him the amount of attention that I'd like shown to me?   And when is the last time that I sought after Him fiercely?  "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

I also am reminded that I do belong.  I may feel like an alien and have a natural hurt inside because I'm lonely.  But...my citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and when the Lord comes back for us, I will belong completely and my heart will be whole.

Image courtesy of Anusorn P Nachol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Some of What I've Learned

A year ago today we left the comforts of a lifetime in Indiana cornfields and drove to the blue skies of North Carolina. We went through some crazy emotions of loneliness, sadness, anger, excitement, happiness, and jealousy.  We got used to setting our GPS every time we went anywhere.  We got used to introducing ourselves and telling where we came from.  Slowly we have put down roots in NC and cut ties in Indiana.  And today, one year later...we are blessed beyond measure - we love it here.  Our home is here and it is truly where we want to be.  God has done this.  I never wanted to leave Indiana. 

In a year's time you can learn a lot.  Especially when you are grieving on so many different levels.  Especially when most everything/everyone you know is gone.  Here are some of the things I've learned.

• It's ok to cry - even in front of others!
• Getting involved in what we love right away was good for us in so many ways.
• Writing makes it much easier for me to express my emotions, pick things apart, and release my frustrations.
• It's one thing to have a lot of acquaintances, but to have one or two real sister in Christ friends is absolutely a blessing like no other!  Getting redirected back to His promises over and over and over and over by these women have helped me get through this.  Their patience is amazing.  
• Grieving takes quite a while.  Once you think you have one thing dealt with another pops up.  You can't rush it or will it to end.  You have to experience it so it is dealt with when it does end.
• If you've gone through a big move in the past - you understand - you can relate - and you encourage those who are going through it SO much.  I felt so much more comforted when I was talking to or with those who 'got it.'  Not that those who haven't can't - but just not to the same level.
• We have really fun and special times with our family when we see them now since we aren't seeing them every other day.
• When making new friends - you can't wait on them to make the first, second, third moves.  I have to get off my butt and invite invite invite!  Most are too busy to think of doing it themselves, but love it when you do.
• My passion is still connecting other women to other women in order that every woman feels encouraged and loved and a sense of belonging and knows His peace and love through others.
• Another passion of mine is emerging - a sense of urgency that the lost in our own little worlds would know Him and what He has to offer before this life is over. 
• Some friends I thought were friends weren't such good friends.
• Some friends I thought weren't friends were good friends.
• I love to belong to a women's Bible study, but I don't love to lead them.
• Jeff and I are each others family here. He and the kids are most important to me.  Period.
• It is hard to keep in touch with friends when you move, but those "pick up where you left off with" ones are precious.
• You can endure anything for a time.  We drove 2 hours a day for 10 weeks when we first got here last year.  We have now had our house on the market twice - but since July of last year have had this burden.  And not just endure - live...and live joyfully...and learn and grow!!
• We were saved from a situation in Evansville where Jeff would have lost his job earlier this year.  The loose ends of this transition are not tied up yet - but this is where God wanted us.  
• We have no regrets about moving here - because this is where God told us to go.  If we would have stayed because of fear or doubt, I am positive we would have regretted it.
• Jeff and I CAN do handy things around the house without my mom and dad - we just had to try!
• Sunshine, blue skies, and working in landscaping makes me giddy happy!
• It is a pain to move to another state.  Just the work for all of your stuff is enough.  But, the switching of driver's license/plates/registration, voting, address changes, insurances, utilities, nursing license, etc - it has been a job to get it all switched!  
• Talk to new people like they are old friends - it's easier and more comfortable :) They get to see who I am immediately!
• Surround myself with those reflect Him and help me to be a better me.  I need not bother with drama of relationships that I know are not healthy for me.
• It is fun to have the ability to have guests stay with us.  We have been so happy to have had so many people pass through Charlotte and see us or come just to see us!
• Tithing is important and an act of obedience and trust.  I'm learning to do it with a joyful heart.
• Time with Emily is becoming more and more important as these years go by.  We now are having 'girl time' every single night were we can talk about anything and do some devotions together.  
• Patience - ok, well, I'm haven't learned this one.  I'm 'learning' this one.  Everything has been about waiting this past year. 
• It's ok to let a mess go in the house.  I can not stay on top of it as easily here...and it is ok.
• Being by myself is ok.  Being over-committed so I'm not by myself is not ok.
• "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21

The Comparison Game - A New Twist...

I am having a hard time with comparisons.  For once I'm not comparing like this: "she is prettier, more athletic, more likeable, etc" but comparing what I did have with what I have (or don't have) now.  Someone asked me how my Bible Study was going and I answered, 'good.'  Evidently it was underwhelming.  Which - oh my, it is going good!!  After she questioned whether I actually meant my 'good' answer I realized that yes, it is going well, but I am comparing it to my old Bible Study in Evansville - a few years of meeting together and bonding AFTER we had already known each other and served together for years and years before that.  What is just beginning here is NEVER going to compare - so why try?  But be thankful for what I am a part of here.  God is blessing me with these Godly women each week!!

The friendships I'm forming here are NOT "Kendra-like" - and probably won't ever be because she and every other friend back home I'm missing is unique.  Kendra is more 'unique' than most - ha ha ha - you like that, Kendra?   I should not be trying to replace her!  Hello???!!!  Doesn't the girl scout song go: Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

The soccer team that Emily is on here is not as good as E-ville, don't work together as well, she's not learning...blah blah blah - you get the point.  Jeff and I have had the hardest time watching on the side-line and comparing almost everything going on (or not going on) with how wonderful the last team Emily was on in Evansville - the one that Jeff got to assistant coach with a buddy and the girls clicked, worked together well, and won every game except one.  We obviously miss it - anyone listening to us would find us quite obnoxious!  Emily even was upset after the past game, as she doesn't have friends on her team - 'like she did in Evansville.'

Our 11 years of living in Evansville, Jeff and I made friends with many 'transplants' - couples who moved to the area from another state.  We always loved getting to know people from other places and the friendships that developed out of it.  Some of our best friends!  What always irritated us though - the comparisons.  Usually though - it was more of the soccer-type comparisons.  "Back home _____ was absolutely top notch.  This type of crap would not be acceptable."  Which considering they were basically putting down Evansville - the place we lived our whole lives and loved - we really didn't like.   Yeah, well, now I understand...  I understand that there are things in the place you lived your whole life that you just like better.  And there are people you don't want to let go of.  And there are things and relationships and groups that will not be replaced.  Since we've been here I've been very conscious of making sure I don't fall into the trap of 'things are not as good here' - of course, God blessed us by moving us somewhere that really is hard to find stuff we don't like!  Just look at these blue skies!! I even made a list on the side of my blog of things we've discovered we love about NC.  But you know what - it is okay that we don't love it all here.   But...it is not good that we are comparing things to how it used to be...because it is going to be different here.  And what 'used to be' has passed and what 'is' is here now.  Does that make sense?  Everything is different here.  I don't have to replace everything I had in Evansville with something identical here.  It's a new time.  Trust.  Be thankful...and gracious...for what we've been blessed with...  Still, allowing ourselves to mourn our losses - there is a time for everything.

Impeccable Timing and Two Revelations

Have you ever just praised God for the timing of the perfect encouragement that He sent to you?

I had a rough weekend.  I was really missing our friends - especially those who we got together with as a family.  It is awesome to have friends that you can just call up and say "hey, want to hang out tonight" and not go to the trouble to clean the house up or make a perfect meal or worry when your kid is being mean and icky to their kids.  You can be yourself completely and sprawl out on the couch while you are visiting.  :)  Man, I miss them!!  Tears come still today thinking about it!  I am still mourning this loss.  As Kendra reminded me yesterday - I've had many losses, I have to work through the grief of each of them.  I keep thinking I'm done.  LOL!  I am so grateful that God is blessing me with lots of friends here - there are so many potential wonderful girlfriends here!  I am excited when I see that and He keeps introducing me to such amazing women.  But, I have only known them for short times - so that level of comfort is not there yet completely - but gosh, it is definitely getting there - I feel blessed today. Although this weekend my outlook on life just was very blah (for lack of better words.)
 

I got a note/package in the mail on Monday from my sister-in-law, Jenny.  She sent me something a friend of hers makes - a little bottle that has tiny tear shaped beads in it with the verse Psalm 56:8 on it.  The attached card says "The tears in a bottle remind us that God knows our every sorrow.  We all know or have known sorrow.  God promises that we are never alone and that He will wipe away every tear.  Revelation 21:4"   Jenny wrote me the most encouraging note to go along with it.  She reminded me Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Also 2 Corinthians 12:10 which says, "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."    I of course, shed some more tears for His bottle.  I happen to love the verses about Him bottling our tears!  I was so in awe of His impeccable timing of when I needed this encouragement.  She lives away from home as well and understands  a lot of my struggles.  I wrote her an email and thanked her for her encouragement.  Her email back to me this morning that I read reminded me of a few things:  He is always there to pick me back up.  I am never alone even if I feel that way.  He uses these hard times for good.  Just to name a few.  So thankful for my 'sister' this morning!  So, then, I turn on the radio like I always do when I'm getting ready.  A song by Mandisa called 'Stronger' is on.  (Click on the words and just listen to it!)  I was singing along since I've heard the song a billion times and all of a sudden I heard the words.  More words 'just like' the ones from Jenny.  It was super cool.  Thanks God! 

So, I've had two revelations over the past two days.  First one was yesterday while I was enjoying the awesome weather and sunshine and doing some yard work. I of course have been thanking God for the beautiful weather this winter.  But, it is not typical here evidently for it to be THIS warm during the winter (I can always hope that this is the new typical though).  I know Indiana is having a very mild winter, as well.  I was struck how grateful Jeff and I need to be that it is mild because it costs a lot less to heat our two homes!!  So, praise God!   Second one this morning - if I can boast and brag and share about God's impeccable timing to encourage me at JUST THE RIGHT TIME...why would I not trust Him with the timing of everything else that goes on in my life?  Just sayin'!  Something for me to meditate on today.

Home!

My mom is the best!

We're home!  I can say that joyfully.  Being in Evansville made us realize that home is in North Carolina now.  Although we aren't 100% settled here, we are definitely not at home in Evansville.  We had a nice visit.  It was a learning experience for us though.  We tried to do entirely too much.  It is hard to think that maybe we can just jump right back into the life that we left 5 months ago.  It is amazing how life just continues to go on when 4 people are removed from it.  Not that I didn't expect it to go on -- I definitely did.  And, it doesn't even really hurt too much, it is just interesting to observe.  We think we are so significant and even when we are involved in tons of different ways in our hometown - just 5 short months later, there is no trace of our presence - just life continuing on without us.  Don't misunderstand me - I am not having a poor me moment.  It is humbling.  I watched a Criminal Minds episode with my parents a few nights ago and it was about a mother who was totally flipping out on the one year anniversary of losing her son in a terrible accident.  She observed how the world just continues on while grieving was her entire existence for a year.  Not suggesting that I am going to flip out and shoot people!!!  Just seeing that others experience this.  Thank goodness that in big life changes those who know Jesus as their personal Savior have a Constant in their life that NEVER changes at all.  Even when life goes on in Indiana, He came with us to North Carolina and will be with us no matter where we are.   

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

That gives me peace about this change -- a peace like none other.  It is okay that our circles in Indiana are shrinking, for He is widening our circles in NC.  I am ready.  I am looking forward to it.  I feel incredibly blessed that instead of coming home to NC sad and homesick this year at Christmastime, I came home happy from our visit and expectant of all that He has in store for us at home!  Thank you Lord!

A special birthday cake

My favorite Christmas Tradition

We had fun staying with my parents, visiting with many in my extended family, Chris and Judy, Jenny and Jason, and some friends!  We got to carry on traditions of Christmas socks for Judy, Jenny, Emily, and I - Christmas sugar cookies made by mom - extended Lottes family celebration - pulling Uncle Dave's beard - a lunch with Aunt Kathy - ornaments given to the kids by Aunt Jenny (and a tacky snow globe for me from her!).

Aunt Tammy and Uncle Dave

What a blessing that we still got to do all of this even though we live so far away.  It is my hope that we will continue to get to spend Christmas with family - even if it isn't on the day.  We also enjoyed a few beers with Jimmy and Tiffany, a meal and special cake and great fellowship with Matthew and Kendra, and a dinner with some soccer friends.  I enjoyed a cookie exchange with my sister friends and a lunch with my eldest friend and mentor.  Jeff enjoyed a day visiting at the old office with his friends. Emily got to play with her friend Emma for a morning and Evan got to play with his friend Colin for a morning. It was a lot packed into a few days and Jeff and I ended up with colds.  We were greeted back home by two attention-starved fur balls and a pile of Christmas cards and a sweet birthday gift from another friend from Indiana.  Blessed.

Some prayer requests please:

• I have contacted the lady who does most of the ministry to women at the church we will call home.  I let her know that I am interested in serving the women of the church and am praying about how that might look.  We will meet together after the New Year.  I am excited, but do not want to do any more or less than what God wants of me at this time.

• For our house to sell soon!

Merry Christmas to my family and friends!  Remember Him this year and join me in meditating on what our gifts might be to Him on the day of His birth.

Not Comfortable

Normalcy...gosh, I miss it.  I miss feeling totally relaxed, completely comfortable, and at home.  I think when we are uncomfortable we rely on Him more completely.  But, man, to just be totally relaxed...  

I spent some time texting this morning with a friend about how I was feeling.  She, being experienced at this, had such encouragement for me.  I then got a text from a friend that moved away a month before we did.  It was so encouraging for me to see that at that very moment one of my sisters was having a hard time too.  I could then pray for us both instead of making it all about me.  Although I really am even having a hard time praying...it seems like I just keep praying the same things over and over and over...and He has heard them so He knows...so now I am just waiting.  And hoping that in the waiting I am growing and learning.  Because it sure does hurt.

I went to lunch today with two new-to-Charlotte friends.  Christina and Mary Kay are both many many miles away from home just like me.  Lots of reassurance.  It is a blessing to be able to be around these ladies and others who are away from comfort.  We must let go of the past (remember it, love it, and cherish it though!) but move on...agree that this is our life now and step into what He has for us and make the most of it.  It is hard not to dwell on the past and miss it.

Vent Session - FULL of complaints, beware!!! 
I feel like I am stuck in mode "lazy."  I have just kind of stopped...stopped moving on or letting go.  This week has been a hard one - not horrible, but hard.  Jeff is working late every night and is probably under a lot of stress too, meaning he is a little shorter than usual (not in height, LOL).  A few big things that I had to talk through with the kids (and then you always question whether you did good or just scarred them for life!!!)  Increasing concern about the church we visited last week (Elevation) that had to be discussed with Jeff - we decided it is probably not for us since the concern/uneasiness is there.  I've gained 5 pounds and continue to eat to make myself feel better.  Oh, and anytime you profess your freedom of something, like I did in my last few blogs, you'll be sure to be attacked in that area!!!  LOL!  That's been fun.  I have had headaches more days than not for the past three weeks and my tummy has been less than happy.  Trying to fit in all the appropriate visits for our 5 days back in Evansville on the calendar and wondering if we are going to be able to keep up that pace for those days.  We missed a fun SNC concert with front row seats last night in Evansville.  These white walls are bugging me (I know...that is lame!!)  LOL.  I need COLOR - warmth.  It feels cold in here.  I can't seem to get anything accomplished - just scatterbrained and unorganized - not myself.  I just made our first double mortgage payment.  I wonder whether the buyer that looked at our house a second time last weekend is going to make an offer (doesn't look good though).  I wonder how we are going to do this....................sigh.....
Philipians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So... I remember that God is in our tomorrows, so I need not worry or be anxious about things....He is there, therefore it will be manageable in some way or another.  In the midst of these things this week He has provided me with my most "social" week here.  I've been walking in the neighborhood, gone to lunch, gone on a shopping trip - all with new friends. He is there...and He always will be.  I am blessed...


I just reread this, as I always do and He brought to me what I need to focus on. Contentment. To be relaxed is to be content.  I thought I was 'ok' with being here now, but I probably need to revisit that...am I content?  Am I truly joyful and at peace right now?  I want to be! Lord help me to be joyful, peaceful, content!  I want to move on and see what You have for us here!  I want to enjoy being here and what You have for us!  Thank you for the encouragement you have provided through old and new friendships this week! 

Philippians 4:12 says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."      -Please make it true of me!

I am grateful! I am grateful for what You've done!

Happy Fish/Turkey

The visit with my mom and dad was so nice.  It was fun having them here!  The kids were so surprised and we had a great visit.  They had to leave on Wednesday to get back home so my dad could work.  Thursday Tony and Sue came over for Thanksgiving.  It is only the second time we have hosted Thanksgiving since we've been married - the first was in 1998.  It was a yummy meal - we had a fried turkey from Bojangles (a fried chicken fast food chain in the South).  After lunch we went out to one of the ponds here and fished.  The kids caught their first fish.  It was fun!

Thursday night I went shopping with Mary Kay (the neighbor I met from California).  We had a nice time and had a lot to talk about.  I was home and in bed by two.  Jeff worked on Friday, so the kids played outside with neighbors and I decorated the house for Christmas.  It is hard to decorate and not know where to put anything, but I think I like it.  The Christmas tree made it, even though the movers threw it a few times. I got rid of a ton of outside decorations since we don't have room for them in the garage.  So, less is more, is my approach for the outside.  It looks nice.

Today was a visit to church #4.  Elevation Church in Matthews - about 15 minutes away from us.  This church has been recommended to us by a few people back in Evansville. Lysa TurKeurst evidently attends this church.  And when Jeff and I were on the pastor search committee at CFC we had to listen to sermons of pastors online of different churches.  Ironically this church was one of the ones assigned to our group.  We did not care for it then.  Seemed like they all have an overzealous love for their pastor and his vision for the church.  It is one of the fastest growing churches in the country.  5 locations in the Charlotte area I believe.  And they tell about all of that on their website.  So, we had the impression that it was kind of 'cult-like' - isn't that a horrible assumption to make!!  We were judging without experiencing it ourselves.  Anyway, we thought we needed to give it a try because of the recommendations from those we trust back home.  We left this morning after experiencing the service and looked at each other.  "I think I need to eat my words," I said to Jeff.  "Me too," he said.  It was really cool.  We really can't find much to complain about.  It is different than what we are used to, but it was ok with us - a good different.  When we were there this morning it was really a wonderful worship experience.  The music was loud, yes - set up like a concert with lights and stuff.  But then the pastor had us sing a song that just had the words "I am grateful.  I am grateful for what You've done." over and over, then he had us raise one hand then the other while we sang.  It was nice.  Then he gave his sermon - the most engaging one yet for both of us - on God's favor.  So many good points.  Lots of scripture.  Lots of examples.  The short version:

How do we walk in / receive the favor God already has for us?  
1.  Expect - frame your world with favor.  Ask "How is God going to bring success and greatness out of this?" - it is not an entitlement mentality - we KNOW the end of this story.  We don't lose.
2.  Recognize - open your eyes to opportunity.  Greatness can walk right past us but we are thinking about something else - something silly or insignificant.  Even in our setbacks recognize His favor - it might be a set up for success.  
3.  Respond - give yourself to obedience. Obedience positions us to receive His favor (spending time in His presence, having faith that He will do what He says He will do, confession of sin, serving God, running with a purpose.)
 
No matter what your circumstances, open your eyes!!!  He is giving you favor.  And be grateful.  We ended by singing "I am grateful" some more.  I was not in awe of the pastor - who many times said it was not about him, but what God is doing through him - I thought he was fantastic though!  I can see how/why everyone likes him.  We came from a church where everyone likes certain pastors though...so is that wrong/how does it get wrong?  I don't know.  The kids both liked this church a lot too in their separate areas.  I also liked the fact that they reported on how much and where money was being used over the past month and it was all in the Charlotte area.  I liked that.  I do not see where they have anything for the kids though past 5th grade, so that is something we will probably consider.  We have one more church to visit next week.  Then we will go to a few that we liked for a few weeks in a row to see what we need to do.  I am praying that God places us in the right church - how important this choice is since we are here without family - these people will be our family.

We had a call a bit ago that our house was being shown to someone for the second time!  That hasn't happened yet that I know of.  Praying praying praying.  But knowing and resting that it will be ok.

The season of thankfulness.  I am so grateful this year for what He has done for us.  I am so grateful that He prepared our hearts through past experiences and past growth for what He had for us to do (and WHERE He had for us to do it!) - as if He would just throw us out there to the wolves without preparation!   I am grateful for what He has done in me - the work, the change, the healing.  I just look back over the past 5-7 years of my life and am utterly amazed at how changed I am.  I am so content with who I am at this stage of my life...and He is the One who shaped me into who I am.  It is not of my own doing.  And I am still SO far from where I need to be - don't get me wrong.  The progress I have made, did not come through willpower.  I was unable.  But He is able.  He brought me out of a pit and placed me on a rock, gave me blessings through mentors and wise friends, insight and revelation, and tools from His Word such as the knowledge of who I am according to Him, why I am loved, and what He has asked of me.  He reminded me that I need not be alone because He is always in me, helping me be more like Him and less like me.  He forgave me for always striving to be in everyone's good graces and and being addicted to pleasing others in order to feel loved.  He released me from the bondage of self depreciating thoughts and actions and negativity.  He taught me that just because so-and-so says I am this-or-that, it does not define me and he/she does not have control over me.  I am free.  Free of negativity.  Free of addictions to people.  Free of a need for a friend to fill that emptiness in me. He is the only One who can do that.  The devil knows how to get me though, just like he does you.  And during times when I am tired, hungry, sick, sad, away from His Word, or pms'ing these weaknesses make a reappearance!  Sigh!  The difference in me now is - I can 'shake it off' instead of being bound in obsession for long periods of time.  Yes, I have down days, and sometimes weeks.  But, no, I am not who I was...by any means...and for this, I am grateful.  With change comes some loss...and unfortunately I am mourning some losses right now.  But I know that He is leading me.  I am waiting in expectation for the favor that He has in store for me and my family here and know that He will heal my heart.  I am grateful.

He Still Blesses Me - Even After Temper Tantrums!

So, today we visited church #3 - Calvary Church, which is the one that I have been doing my women's study at on Tuesday mornings.  I figured that it would be more of a classic/traditional service opposed to the contemporary style we lean more towards.   But, whoa!  It was definitely the most traditional type service (except for a Catholic service) that I've been to.  Jeff wore jeans and was a tad uncomfortable.  Men in coats and ties and definitely your 'Sunday best.'  The huge sanctuary was beautiful with a huge pipe organ and large windows.  Full choir and orchestra on the platform with very 'pretty' songs and traditional hymns. This church was as far as a drive as the one last week.  And they did not have a class for 4th graders on up.  So Emily had to go to the service with us.  She was not happy.  The idea is that everyone stays for the second hour for a Bible study and that is when they have something for her age.  Not a huge fan of that for her sake.  Although, the pastor was fantastic.  Dr. Munro is from Scotland and was a criminal prosecutor, then went to seminary to get a Master of Theology degree.  He was fun to listen to with his accent and he taught right out of the Bible, straight scripture - kept my attention.  Loved him!  Unfortunately we didn't like much of any of the rest of it.  It was ok if we are looking for something so traditional, but I guess we really aren't. 

This past week we got some extra dirt in my landscaped area and three piles of the great big rocks.  It is going to look so great in the spring when I can plant more stuff.  I got a few clearance grasses at Lowe's to start with.  We will still need to move the smoker off of the deck and down to this area here in the next week.

I started and finished my first crafty project for the house:  two window cornices for the living room.  I have wanted to make some since a friend in Evansville made some of her own, then the model home had some.  So, my dad built the wood frame and I covered them - which was a lot harder than I thought it'd be. They turned out great though - I am happy with them!

So, I had a very pity party kind of week.  I am lonely and it became magnified when Em came home from the Jr. Scout meeting that she had looked so forward to going to.  She was just bummed.  She misses her group from home that she'd been with for years.  Of course these girls all know each other and Em was sad that she didn't have a friend there.  It broke my heart.  The same day I got a call from my mom saying that her and my dad are going to be here on Monday through Wednesday - which was a total surprise!  I was and am very excited!  But, then I was irritated that they have to make a 9 hour drive in order to see us!!  I got mad again about this whole situation - had my "it's not fair!" tantrum and a good cry that night and the next morning and felt a bit better.  Dreary weather and 5 days worth of headaches haven't helped much either.  I miss my girlfriends and even my acquaintances - seeing people I know almost everywhere I go. I am thankful that a phone call and texting and everything else makes my friends seem close still, but it is not the same as seeing them on a regular basis.  And it is hard that communication with a lot of people have lessened and lessened.  I know it is hard to be far away...and I've never been good at maintaining long distance friendships.  Argh!  So I definitely don't blame anyone  - life is busy - and if you aren't in someones life regularly then it is hard to be intentional.  'Out of sight, out of mind' right?  So sad, but so true.  I am confident though that God will help us maintain friendships that are good for us and that He has amazing friendships planned for all of us here - patience is going to be necessary.  Friendships don't develop overnight, right?  I read in When the Boxes are Unpacked book this week:

"Who better than Christ would know what it's like to leave great fellowship and a home He loves, to come to a new strange place?  I wonder if Christ ever got homesick for heaven?" 

He is the One who will remain constant during this time in my life.  No, I don't have my friends and family here, but I have Him ALL the time, any time - and He understands perfectly how I feel.  He (even after my temper tantrum) provided these interactions/encouragements this week for me:  He had Petrina send me a message telling me how she loves my blogs and how to remember that I have new friends here.  She's even one who is in a similar situation as I am just moving here this summer...I am not the only one going through this type of thing - I need to remember this.  I also met a mom at the bus stop this week who moved here from California this summer.  MaryKay is so sweet and we got along perfectly - excited about this potential friendship!  At the Spring Fling Thing meeting on Friday I met a mom who just moved here this summer too!  The meeting was fun - I love event planning!  LOL.   I keep thinking it would be fun to have a get together for all of us newbies (new to the area in 2011 party)...must keep this in mind.  I keep comparing this place to being away at college.  Everyone is here from somewhere else, a lot are away from home and family, and are entering a new phase of life.  I am tossing around the idea of starting a bunco group for the ladies in the neighborhood - there isn't one yet!  And this morning in church I had a thought about doing a women's Bible study out of my home - I was just complaining that there aren't hardly any churches that have women's ministries and during the day studies going on.  These are some ideas I've had, but not acted on at all - definitely a way to make some friends.  Oh - we went out with Steve and Wendy and their girls on Friday night.  She is the one I met on the online moms group and go to Transformation Church.  We had a really great time!  

Since we've moved in I have not had as much anxiety about our house in Indiana.  Jeff and I have talked a lot about it and are accepting that it might be a long time before it sells.  We also remember that we made sure that we could do this financially before we agreed to all of this.  It is not going to be fun, but it is going to make us rely fully on Him for His provision.  I can not believe how much 'favor' He has provided me over just this past week with buying certain things, finding certain deals, and being given huge discounts - I could call it just good luck or the right place at the right time or savvy shopping, but it is not.  He is going to provide for us during this time.  We have had a couple week lull in activity on the house.  We've had a few showings this weekend though.  Jeff and I certainly are not thrilled about having two houses payments, but we are at peace...and we are trusting.  Evan was not heartbroken when we told him that we could not pay the almost $200 in fees just to JOIN boy scouts.  (But we are looking in to Awana for him.)  And the kids did not pout when we said we are going to get one family gift this year instead of gifts for everyone.  It will be ok...we will follow Him closely, going without a few things so that we can continue to be a part of this plan He has for us. 

Oh- please pray for safe travels for my parents who will be driving Sunday evening and Monday morning and then again on Wednesday evening and Thursday.  Thanks!!!

Taking the Time to Allow Debridement

And...life is busy again.  So many things to do.  Just made a to-do list.  That always helps me feel less overwhelmed actually.  This week holds:  Emily's first Jr. Scout meeting, a few Spring Fling Thing meetings, a few basketball coaching meetings for Jeff, and our first dinner out with another family on Friday!

Over the last week I've slowly put pictures up on the walls.  I am on a quest to move anything out of the garage that I possibly can.  Our garage is teeny and our priority is to both park in it.  I also have been moving large rocks from the pile in the next lot over and making an outline of where our area of landscaping will be that holds our picnic table, smoker, firepit, etc.  I just asked our builder if he knows any guys that would give us a few scoops of dirt to help us out for a small fee...both Jeff and I have been doing so much lifting, carrying, and odd over the head work that our necks and backs are a mess!  Jeff grilled out a few times this week.  We went to some garage sales on Saturday and found some shelving for my craft room that was cheap.

I, emotionally, have had a hard week I think.  Between not interacting with too many people and no cable tv to flip on during the day - I'm lonely I think.  I need to be filling my void with God and I am filling it with food instead. 

The kids were off on Thursday afternoon and Friday, so they both invited a friend over.  Evan's friend Brayden played on Thursday afternoon.  He reminds me so much of his friend Colin from home.  And he said "yes mam" when I asked them to start cleaning up.  Wow!  Emily had Carissa over on Thursday and she stayed the night.  We got in the van to go get Wendy's for dinner and the radio came on.  Carissa:  "I love this song!  Is this 91.9 (the local Christian station)?"  Me:  "Yup"  Emily:  "Are you a Christian?"  Carissa:  "Yes, are you??"  Emily:  "Yes"  - which lead to some neat conversations at dinner.  I was SO thrilled.  They stayed up late doing hair, makeup, games, movies, little skits, and laughing more than I've heard Emily laugh in months.  It was so neat.  They had so much fun that they convinced Carissa's parents that Emily then needed to go spend the night at her house, but we just let her go spend the day there...too little sleep for Emily makes her not very much fun to be around ---who's daughter is she??  I reminded Emily how we had been praying for a good friend and how Carissa is becoming one.  God is faithful.

Yesterday we visited church number 2.  This one was the one that my new friend Wendy and her husband attend.  It right over the border in South Carolina - Transformation Church.  The pastor is Derwin Gray - he used to play football for the Indianapolis Colts and the Carolina Panthers - then he went to seminary.  He was an extremely dynamic speaker and preached doctrinally sound.  It was a 25 minute drive though which would most likely limit our involvement some and all 4 of us felt more 'at home' at the church the previous week.  This church is doing some amazing things though in South Carolina and just announced that they are expanding to another building and another city!  They are definitely reaching people in an area that is "poor and multi-cultural" as Pastor Gray put it!  We have 3 more to visit.  All four of us are praying for God to show us the right church!

So, as I was carrying rocks yesterday afternoon I had a lot of time to think.  And last night I had a lot of time to hurt with the heating pad - ha ha ha.  First of all, I find this type of work not even work...I know, weird, right?  Love getting in the dirt and creating gardens that are peaceful and nice to look at.  It was so pleasant out - breezy and cool enough to not get sweaty.  Tons of geese on the lake and I LOVE the sound of the fountain on the lake.  Water is so soothing to me and it always has been.  Which, off track for a second - when I can HEAR water it is soothing to me...love the ocean, rain showers, a fountain, a babbling brook in Gatlinburg, even a bubble bath running.  You don't even notice water that is not moving unless you can see it - and water that doesn't move just gets nasty and weird stuff growing on it - unfit for use.  Jesus is the living water inside us.  He says in John 7:38: "Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."  and John 4:14:  "but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  The water (the Spirit in us) is living and moving - you can hear it and see it from our actions...it is soothing and a comfort for us.  It is a source of strength and peace.  In the Bible there are so many analogies about us being like water that is moving - living water, peace like a river, righteousness like waves...  But not so many about us being like water that is puddled up with sludge on top attracting mosquitoes.  Let His peace flow through us like water would - touching every open spot, every hole, nook, cranny...  Let it soak and debride and cleanse... And let His Word flow on out of us to others in everything we do....I SO needed this this morning.  Guess I really didn't get off track...  I was going to write about something else that I was thinking about while I was moving rocks, but He blessed me with the reminder that I CAN be at peace if I take the time to let Him touch every single hole of emptiness that I have right now.

Some Things We Know

We had a very fun week with Judy here!  Some highlights of this week:  Stepping in mud and getting paint on us while showing Judy and Sue our house Tuesday.  Some awesome slaw at a restaurant.  Watching fast cars go fast at the Bojangles Pole Night for the big NASCAR race at the Charlotte Motor Speedway (and enjoying it!)  Both of the kids getting straight A's on their first report cards!  Bead shops, Quilting shops, Antique shops, Fabric shops, Yarn shops, and Consignment shops in Davidson, Concord, Kannapolis, Huntersville, Mooresville, Stallings, and Monroe!  (Don't worry, I barely bought anything!)  Eating at a Mexican restaurant who had their doors open since it was so nice out and being startled by the bird flying around above our heads.  Me receiving an early Christmas present - my first sewing machine!!! Which I am SO excited about!  Trying shrimp and grits and loving it.  Emily learning how to crochet a bit.  Sue, Judy, and I being so in to shopping and eating that we had to call Jeff away from work to go pick up the kids from school because we weren't going to make it there in time. Oops!

Our house is coming along awesomely...is that a word?  Jeff and I and the kids stopped by this afternoon and walked through it.  They have trim up, cabinets in, tile in, counter tops on, some appliances in, light fixtures up, toilets in.  The outside looks almost complete.  It rained for a few days this past week so the yard did not get worked on, but the stone is done, gutters on, sidewalks and driveway poured.  It looks so neat.  It is really exciting.  I never ever ever dreamed that we'd be doing this right now.  It just goes to show how unpredictable life is.  Not always are the changes good...sometimes they are bad, but sometimes the good comes with a lot of hard....  Some things we KNOW about this change in our lives:

• We have been blessed beyond measure straight from God.  James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.   

• Yet we are hurting and are mourning a loss.  John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

• He comforts us!  Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

• And He gives us strength through His Spirit and through others who have done this before. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 

• And He prepared us for this already.  Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Thank you Lord~

Thank you for Jeff's promotion - for the recognition in the workplace that he has received.  Thank you for providing a warm, safe, and loving environment for us to stay while our house is being built.  Thank you for a new beautiful house!  We realize that these are straight from You!  Thank you for loving on us when we are sad and allowing us to mourn, but then allowing us to tap into that Strength who lives in us.  Thank you for surrounding us with encouragement from so many and especially those who have been comforted by You before and are able to comfort us with the comfort You gave them.  Thank you for preparing us for this - for shaping us into the people that You wanted and needed us to be in order to give us these blessings and be available for the next "good thing" You will have us do.

Not every blessing comes up all roses all the time.  God has promised that we will have trouble in this world - even amidst all the great things.  I am thankful that while we are enjoying our blessings and praising Him for them, we can also call on Him for comfort since this blessing is causing pain, too!  Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!

"Blessings" by Laura Story - Click here to listen to a great song to go with my thoughts tonight!

Just Plain Weird

Going home was weird.  Just plain weird.  We loved seeing everyone though.  Friday we got the kids from school after lunch and headed nine hours back to Evansville.  They had today off of school for Columbus Day and the Fall Festival was this weekend so it was a great time to go.  We aren't able to go home for Thanksgiving this year.  We pulled into our neighborhood at 10pm and walked into our house.  It smelled weird - not bad - just different.  We all fell into our own beds very happily and slept like rocks.  Saturday morning we got up early and had breakfast at my parents house.  Then we went back to our house and did the walk through with the moving company person.  Then we hit Franklin Street - woohoo!  Evan was thrilled to run into his best buddy from home while we were there.  We got our tenderloin, pronto pup, fish sandwich, and haystack!  We also got to meet Jenny's new boyfriend, Jason.  He's a great guy and we look forward to being around him and Jenny again soon!! We had a showing on the house while we were at the festival.  Came back home and Jeff and I took a 3 or so hour nap.  Woke up to feedback that they didn't like the house.  But, someone else wanted to come and look on Sunday, so ok.  Had a nice family dinner at Turoni's with the Kissels.  Came back home and slept another 12 hours.

At this point we realized that we were just plain exhausted.  I think we needed to catch up on 7 weeks of rest...we have been constantly 'on' - not completely/fully relaxed at any given time.  I guess if you have ever lived with family while trying to keep your 2 kids and 2 cats out of trouble you will understand this!!?  I also started realizing that my heart was feeling like it was being ripped out again.  Ugh.  Really??  I thought I had grieved and we were done with this.  I had even asked Jeff if we could not stay at our house when we went home because I was afraid it might be hard on the kids emotionally.  Never thought I'd have such a hard time with it.  By Sunday morning I was sad, but angry too.  I was mad that we were home in the house that isn't sold yet.  Mad that we were going to have to go back to North Carolina.  Mad that we had missed out on all of our social stuff this fall.  Mad that none of our friends had missed out on anything.  Mad that I have to put effort forth to meet people.  Mad that we are starting over.  Ahhh!  Mad that the people that keep coming to see our house don't like it.  Jeff had to do some maintenance stuff on the house, then we had lunch with some friends, who unfortunately got to spend time with a very non-talkative and not-herself Amy.  Someone else came to see our house while we were gone and was only there for like 10 minutes, so it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.  We ended up at Matthew and Kendra's for dinner.  We walked in to the most inviting environment.  Our good friends - the ones who have been SO completely supportive and understanding during all of this - making a great smelling dinner, windows open with the crisp fall breeze coming in, candles lit, and fall decorations everywhere.  It overtook me and within 5 minutes I was on the back porch with Kendra spilling my guts and crying 7 weeks of tears.  Ugh.  I told her how mad I was.  She asked, "who are you mad at?"  Silence.  "God."  More tears.  "You need to tell Him."  Ugh.  We had a great time catching up and being there in between me tearing up every now and then.  I just miss it all.  I am completely scared out of my mind that we are going to have two house payments soon.  Kendra and I talked a lot about this not playing out in the way that Jeff and I thought it would.  There is no guarantee that our house is going to sell before we move into our new one.  God does not need to make this easy on us.  And we need to become ok with this...it might be next year before it is sold.  Jeff and I went home and talked...he held me while I cried more.  And then we slept....for the last time in our house.

This morning before we left Judy gave us a daily devotion book that she thought would be good for us.  Jeff turned to October 10th to read:
Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them.  Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love.  My Love Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence.  When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help.  This is a subtle sin -- so common that it usually slips by unnoticed.  The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment.  Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply.  Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself.  Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help.  Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation.  This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently.
Jeff said I needed to share how cool it was that we both needed this this morning and there it was.

We are back in North Carolina now.  Can't call it home yet.  I am still feeling pretty fragile.  Still teary.  Still hurting.  But, even as I am unaware of His radiant Presence, He is here...    Judy is here with us for the week, so I am hoping we will have a fun and relaxing time with her.

Oh, and the feedback from the short visit yesterday was actually good - they might want another showing.  And, we have another showing tomorrow afternoon.  Guess it isn't all gloom and doom...

A prayer from Becoming A Woman of Prayer pg 40

"Lord,  If what I ask for does not please You, neither would it please me.  My desires are put into Your hands to be corrected.  Strike the pen through every petition that I offer that is not right.  And put in whatever I have omitted, even though I might not have desired it had I considered it...Not as I will, but as Thou wilt."

Boasting About My Weaknesses

It was July 6th in the afternoon and I was sitting at a desk outside a patient's room.  I was finishing up an evaluation on a patient to come for rehab services and my phone buzzed.  A text from Jeff.  One that made my heart drop to the ground with excitement, yet total and complete terror.  He had received a call out of the blue from a VP at the North Carolina office, complimenting him on his performance at work, telling him about a job opening in NC, and asking Jeff what it would take to get him out there for that job. We had been praying for just this!!!! - BUT always assuming it would be in Evansville because that was our plan.  “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. (Isaiah 55:8)  God had been preparing me for this.  For the past year I had been unsettled in my spirit - not unhappy or depressed - just unsettled.  5 years ago I simply would have said no.  One year ago I would have, but I would have been completely incapacitated by my thoughts and emotions.  Even 6 months ago I wasn't fully prepared - He was still changing me.  I am not saying I am fully prepared now, but I am in the place where I need to be so that I can allow God to give me His strength.

This week in Bible study Priscilla told us on the video that He gives us our desires.  He can change our desires.  And Psalm 37:4 says, "Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you [or even change] the desires of your heart."   Please Lord, change my desires to be making a joyful home and life in North Carolina until You want us elsewhere!  My desire was NOT to leave all that was familiar and comfortable to me.  It was not to go somewhere foreign - somewhere that was not in my life vision/plan.  I had been praying for His will to be done in our lives for years though.  And if I was going to pray for His will, then when His will was presented, what do I do with that?  Now that Jeff and I have obeyed, I hope that we can obey further and have good attitudes about our decision - the last thing I want to do is become depressed and a martyr....poor me, look what He has done to us.  No, "Look at me!  He asked us to go and we did!  Look what He is doing for us and in us!  Just look at what His plan was!"  This is from Him - Satan would never want us to be in a place in our lives where all we want to do is cling to the Lord - where I have to tap into His strength daily!  The second verse of Jonah starts with two words to Jonah from God.  "Arise, go..."  When God calls, I want to be bold enough to follow Him.  In my weakness I can see clearly that He is strong.  And right now, I see that He is who I have to depend on.

As I was saying, even a year ago I would not have been able to do this.  I tend to depend on others to build me up, to give me strength, to make me happy, to give me joy, to give me definition and purpose.  He is the only One who can do this right now...and I am ok with that right now only by His power.  Why am I writing this?  I am missing my friends.  I am missing being a part of the activities that I defined myself by - ones that gave me a small sense of security because I was surrounded by my family, friends, and sisters.  It is hard to see life go on at home - I knew it would continue on.  And it should.  I knew it would be hard.  He is being so gracious to me though because it is not crippling me like it would have in the past.  He has prepared me to handle this with His strength.  There is simply no other explanation as to how I am doing this - I'm not, He is.

2 Corinthians 12:9  Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Rainy Afternoon Tears

It is raining and I am crying.  I have cried more in the past few weeks than I have all year...I just don't do it much.

So, I think that weekends are going to be the hardest for us for awhile.  The routine of the week - even the driving - gives us purpose and direction.  When the weekend arrives, we have no real responsibilities, no plans, no energy, no desire to drive anywhere...which leads to me laying around, thinking about home, family, and friends and becoming sad.  Am I depressed?  I hope not.  I hope I am just mourning.  I was feeling rather abandoned by God today - which means I am the one that left - because His Word says He will never leave me or abandon me.  I know better than to not be spending tons of time with Him right now.  There is an enemy who would so love to destroy me with this change.  So, on goes some klove (this song was on:  "Lift Me Up" by The Afters ) and "devotions on major life changes" was my google search.  Here are some of the tidbits I took from these that I need to remember.

A great acronym:
Christ
Has
A
New
Gift
Each
Second

During this change each minute has a gift from God/a blessing for me if I choose to see it.  Will I look for/expect them?  Will I see this change as an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I see Him intimately involved in my life in every moment, or will I choose to feel as though He is not there?

Another devotion entitled, Crossing Rivers, was fantastic.  Click on the words to read it.  I have always loved devotions about our "path" and how God guides us on our path and what happens when we lose our way, etc.  In fact, a few years ago I started collecting verses and hope to one day write something up about our path in life according to His Word.  Anyway, this devotion was so pertinent to my path and this change.  It does feel like I am walking right into a rushing river right now.  I feel like if my focus falters I can be swept under so easily right now.  It is unfamiliar, it is hard, it is exhausting just standing here, it feels like I am not going to make it to the other side.  All around me people are rushing around, in their familiar, busy, and comfortable lives as I stand here hoping to not go under.  I am already in so far that I can't turn around.  We are committed.  Jeff has a job, God is blessing us, Tony and Sue are blessing us, the kids are enrolled in school, they have started building our house.  We are in this.  I have to keep going - staying in the middle of the river is not an option.  I can try to flounder and use up my strength, I can call out to those on the shore I left and ask for help but their replies are distant (although they do lift me up some).  If I call out to Him and rely on Him to carry me I can do this.  This is of Him.  I did pray about entering this river and did follow His lead.  This was NOT my doing, nor my decision to walk into this crazy river!  Like His children of Israel, He will get me to the other side.  He may not part the waters completely for me though.  It may be extremely challenging, but I need to let Him carry me to the other side.

The other part of this devotion talks about making sure you have a firm foundation built on Him so that you can make it through the downpours that come unexpectantly.  So, it hit me how our builder for our new home has told us no less than 3 times how our house is going to be built on solid and firm ground.  When we walked around on our lot the day we purchased, we noticed some really cool rocks.  We asked the builder if they could scoop those over to the side for us to use in our landscaping later.  He agreed.  The pile has gotten quite large...like taller than me!  When I drove by last week and saw them digging the footers I pulled over, rolled down the window, and took some pictures.  I even heard the metal of the shovel scraping the rock as they tried to dig.  Yes, I don't believe this house is going to go anywhere.  It will be built on firm foundation.  This was something the builder was excited to tell us and I was excited to pass on to my dad - because it is a good thing!  You don't want to exactly pass on to others, 'Guess what?  They are building our house on a swampy, low area, with some sand in it!'  Well, I am glad our house isn't going to sink, but I want to be prepared in life too - when the downpours come (which they will) I want to say 'Yes, I don't believe this girl is going anywhere...He is my foundation and He is true and sure and will not sink, nor will I!!' 

"Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:  And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." (Matthew 7:24-27)


Help me Lord, to see you in every moment blessing me during this change.  Help me to make You my foundation daily. Help me to rise above my circumstances and allow you to carry me through this river to the other side!

Cheers!

I had a rough weekend and Monday.  Tears come readily and easily now.  But, Robyn said it is ok to cry, so I am going with it!  LOL!  I woke up Tuesday feeling more myself and took my mom, Judy, and Kendra's advice.  I need to find some things to do.  Not having my own house and yard to take care of makes a big difference in my day...not to mention the 5 or 6 activities that I had to resign from before leaving.  This time of year should be SO busy with both kids in sports, Chicken Supper plans, and 2 Bible studies!   Too much time to sit and worry and think right now.  So, I bought some knitting needles yesterday and some yarn and Sue has a book that will supposedly teach me how to knit.  I haven't started yet, but am excited to.  Sue and I are also going to the quilt shop soon so I can pick out a table topper to do.  I asked our builder for a drawing of our house situated on our property to scale so that I can start planning my landscaping and gardens...I so miss my flowers and taking care of them.  Going to get measurements for windows and start shopping for window treatments.  I am thinking about making a shower curtain for the guest bathroom.  I am still working on a Bible study that Kendra and I started this summer.  It is Kay Arthur's "Lord, Teach Me to Study the Bible."  It is neat because she is teaching us by using the book of Jonah.  It will be nice going into my other study that starts in a few weeks - which I actually registered for and payed for-so that means I will have to go and not chicken out!  SO, I am getting there...slowly. 

Jeff didn't get home until 7:45 last night.  What a long day for him!  Work is going well for him, but with it being the end of the month he has been working late.  I am looking forward to the long weekend so we can see him more!

I am heading to Emily's classroom today to help with a project.  It is actually a little intimidating to do since I know no one there, but I know I have to jump in in order to meet anyone.  Plus Emily is excited to have me :)
The "Cheers" song just came to mind. Ha ha ha. Does that mean I need to go to a bar?  LOL

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.

Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

Ha ha ha!  That was fun :)

Can I just say that facebook is awesome?  And texting!!  Of course phone calls and email too. :)  I have gotten so much encouragement over the past week from my friends through these ways.  With texting I can almost always get someone when I need them/want them.  I am extremely thankful.  But I also know that I need to be careful not to rely too much on instantaneous encouragement from my texting/facebook friends.  I need to remember that my best Friend is ALWAYS there, always available, understands completely, longs for me to come to Him, and bottles and keeps all of my tears.  He is ready and completely available for me...even without electricity, cell signals, or WiFi.   He has sent me encouragement and love through each of you and I am thankful for each one of you...and that you use the technology available to you...lol!

Holding Pattern

The sky today is perfect sky blue with no clouds and no wind.  I can hardly believe that there was a hurricane yesterday 200 miles from us that caused such damage.

This morning we went to the club that Uncle Tony is a part of - he flies radio control airplanes as a hobby.  We got to see him do some neat tricks.  And of course, the wind picked up while we were there.  One plane got stuck in the trees, but was retrieved!   This afternoon Emily and I got to do some shopping together and then I helped her with a project for school.  It was nice to spend some time together just the two of us.

Friday I had the opportunity to talk on the phone to my friend during my commute to pick up the kids.  It was the first time I was able to talk to a friend from home since the week before.  I really was amazed at how this lifted me up yet really made me sad at the same time.  I have been a little 'off' this weekend and I just wonder if it is beginning to sink in a bit.  Bible study in Evansville started up yesterday.  An event I really wanted to take Emily to on Friday took place in Evansville.  I can't ride to Monday Bible study with my neighbor anymore, or eat lunch with my buddies on Tuesdays. It's coming out as shortness with the kids and Jeff...they just can't do anything right right now :(  I am sad and probably need a good cry.

I also have realized that I really don't feel as though we have actually moved.  We are in a holding pattern (just like a plane- a maneuver designed to delay an aircraft already in flight while keeping it within a specified airspace.) And we will not land and reach our destination until we move in in the beginning of November. Holding patterns aren't exactly comfortable and all you want to do is land and get on with life.  So...I hope that I can use this time to it's fullest instead of looking to just pass the time quickly so we can land and go about our life.  This IS my life, even in the holding pattern.  We spend so much time just wanting to get to that next point.  It will come soon enough.  And God probably has something to teach me right now while I am holding.

And, since I have realized that I don't think it is going to be really real until November when we move in and start establishing our routines, I have decided to wait and look at taking the study on "After the Boxes are Unpacked" in January.  I think it will be so much more applicable then vs. now.  So, I will be starting the Jonah study at the ginormous church starting on September 13.  

I am not sure what else to say.  I need this right now, so I will share:    
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”~Joseph Campbell     Now, a better way to say it:  "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21  "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11