Flowing Water

Memories of hot summer afternoons poking my stick into the twigs and soggy leaves and breaking apart the little dams that had formed in our backyard creek.  Pieces of dark gray slate lay in places and when the water flowed, I found it more pleasing.  So, I did my job and helped the creek along by breaking up those dams.  And sometimes 'saving' some crawdads into a gallon ice cream bucket of water.  Ew.

I have shared this before, but I absolutely love moving water and always have.  Babbling mountain streams flowing over rocks with the lush green foliage draped over the sides - richly nourished and completely healthy -- one of my favorites.  I take pictures...they never are the same as being there and hearing and watching as the water turns white in places where it gets all stirred up because of the force of the flow...I don't have to unclog the dams in those streams because the force of the water just finds a different way around it.

 

The ocean waves breaking on the beach, water running to fill my bathtub with bubbles, the fountain in our neighborhood pond, a sprinkler watering the new grass seed...  why do I love all of this?  They all bring me a sense of peace...

In my last post I mentioned that making changes in my life, breaking chains/habits that have been there for years, can not be done on my own.  I've been devouring books on healing, growing, breaking chains, etc.  What has the Lord consistently had me take away?

Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" But this He spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. (John 7:37-39)

These scriptures tell about how Jesus was going to give the Holy Spirit to believers.  The Spirit lives inside of us and is our Helper. He is part of the Trinity, He is fully God.  He LIVES IN US!  The power of God is inside of us.  When I can not do it - He can.  Am I stepping aside and letting that living water flow from my innermost parts?  Do I even remember most of the time that He lives in me?

I have been meditating on how often in the Bible, water - especially moving water - is used to describe things.  As I close my eyes and look at the Spirit inside of me and focus on an actual flow coming out of my soul, my spirit, my heart, my belly (however you want to word it) it calms me.  I allow that water to flow through my entire body, visualizing it getting in every crack, working it's way around any dams that may be there or busting right through them, filling the voids where I ache and long for something to make me feel significant, secure and satisfied.  And after the healing water of the Spirit covers me completely, still flowing and moving, I visualize it coming out of my core and spilling over through my words and my actions -- things that will affect those around me.  And when I am actually 'in the Spirit,' God can pour His healing water over those I interact with.  I am at that point allowing the Spirit to use me as a vessel - I'm a living sacrifice.  Not my will but His be done.

Now, this is easy if you sit down and think on it...but we are busy and we are pulled in twenty directions and we are irritated and rubbed the wrong way and we have the flesh fighting the Spirit...we want our own way.  And honestly I'm not sure how often I've actually thought on the Spirit being in me and WHY He's in me in the past 18 years of being a Christian.  The Living Water will flow through us when we are allowing it to, but when we are not  - it stops.  Maybe it gets through every now and then.  Maybe.  What does water that is left with no movement do?  It grows stagnant, diseased, stinky, it attracts bugs...dams probably get stronger and stronger.  You get the point.

This is what I want to be...productive for the Lord and intentionally being nourished by the flow of the Spirit EVEN WHEN my circumstances are not great:

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  (Jeremiah 17:8)

Revelation 22 describes a piece of Heaven.  "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city."  (v1-2)  I'm certain that you will find me on a bench listening to that sweet flow and soaking in the constant presence of the Lord.  I hope you'll come sit with me for a bit.

Image courtesy of alexisdc / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Rich or Poor, God I Want You More

I absolutely love it when God speaks to me through every sermon, lesson, song, scripture, cute facebook captioned picture, and so on -- all having the same message!  He knows it takes that much for me to slow down, quiet down and see what He's trying to tell me.  I'm so thankful, however, that He doesn't give up on me, because what He's telling me right now is not something new... He's told me this same thing over and over.  I often wonder why Jeff and I have to tell our kids every single day to hang up their towels and put their dirty clothes in the hamper, but other things we tell them once and they remember, obey and do it??  But, we don't disown them or give up on them because of it...although at times it irritates me to no end.  God doesn't give up on me even though He's having to remind me of the same things yet again.

My women's bible study group is doing Beth Moore's study on Daniel right now.  I've learned a lot about Babylonia and how it was a me-centered society with a lot of glitz and glitter and must-haves.  Sounds a lot like today, huh?  Yup.  One of the last times my parents visited us they said something that included 'you guys live in a very rich area.'  Just stating a fact in a passing statement.  But, I honestly hadn't looked at it that way.  Now, I'm not saying this to brag so stick with me!  I wondered at times since we've been here how we exactly 'fit in' in this area - we aren't rich!  (With money anyway)  As I look back I know I've always struggled with jealousy...it always has looked better 'over there.'  And, now I'm saturated in it.  As I drive to the store I pass house after house that I would have considered mansions a few years ago.  I look at their perfect manicured lawn and pine needle garden, all brick home and sigh.  I walk into the grocery and notice her name brand clothes and purse.  I hear about the private lessons this son or daughter is taking and the third vacation of the year at the beach house.  I try in my own strength to be okay with that and accepting of the place we are in.  Because oh my goodness, how we are blessed!!!  We are SO blessed.  The truth is, there will always be someone who has more.  But to be perfectly content...it takes more than my own strength.  It takes the Spirit's - He's inside me and He is my Helper and wants me to rise above any circumstance I'm in - taking my eyes off of my surroundings and keeping them focused on the One who blesses.  

In the book, "Let. It. Go.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith" by Karen Ehman, which I just read for our book group, Karen says this:   "No two ways about it.  True godly contentment is unavailable in microwave form; it needs to be patiently and purposefully cultivated.  We must cease making comparisons and instead embrace our current lot in life - our past, present, and future - welcoming all that God will teach us through it.  Only then we will discover the secret Paul knew -- that true contentment isn't merely having what we want; it's wanting nothing more than what we already have."

Last night a friend from cold snowy Michigan posted this on facebook: 

Sitting on the beach, enjoying it all. Thinking "Gosh, if only we lived here."
Chatting with a local who visited an area of snow. She said "my poor children. I feel like they are missing out on life."
Reality is....we must choose to be happy wherever we are. Or the grass will always seem greener ( or the snow. Or the sand....)

There's some wisdom there, huh?

Today my devotion was centered on the parables that Jesus taught in Matthew 13.  Verse 22 is Jesus telling us what He meant in verse 7 about the seeds that fell among thorns that choked them.  He says, "As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful."  I, of course, have never noticed this and know it was saved for me for this moment this morning.  I hear the word of God but I also care about the world and what is in it and what I have or don't have.  Riches are deceitful - you think they will bring you happiness, but it doesn't last and so then you move on to your next purchase or want.  And worst of all...I'm unfruitful, unable to be used by God, while I'm tangled up in this longing, chasing of happiness through the world.  

Sunday we sang a song at church called "All We Need" by Charlie Hall.   Wow, thank you Lord.  I will declare moment by moment this prayer...it is a daily, conscious choice to be content, keeping You at the center of my focus and desire.  Thank You for all of these little whispers from You lately....

Rich or poor

Rich or poor God I want You more

Than anything that glitters in this world

Be my all, all consuming fire

You can have it all

You can have all my hands can hold

My heart, mind, strength and soul

Be my all, all consuming fire

Because we have all we need in You

And all we need is You

All we need is You

Image courtesy of stockimages / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Changing the Way I Think...One Thought at a Time

A picture outside the house I grew up in. Summer 1987

I played outside all the time while growing up in St. Wendel, Indiana, barefoot until late fall.  The ice cream truck visited, the neighborhood kids created our own Fourth of July parades, we caught lightening bugs and put them in jars, we played with crawdads from the creek, we made pottery out of mud and baked it in the sun.  I can smell the laundry detergent off of the clothes on the clothesline and remember the sounds of the attic fan pulling in the night sounds with the breeze at night.  I remember my mother scrubbing my black tarred feet after a long day of running back and forth over the chip and sealed road.  Eating berries off of the vines and sucking the 'juice' out of the honeysuckle. Swinging high in the shade out over the creek on the rope swing with the wood seat my daddy made me and riding my pink Schwinn with the banana seat, tinsel streamers on the handlebars flying.  

Lovely thoughts from the way back past.  Things to think on.  Do I have other memories that don't make me smile and relax from my years of growing up?  Oh yes - and I can remember them in as much detail!

What am I thinking about from just this past week?  Well, I'm dwelling on how I let a friend down and hurt her.  Even though she's forgiven me, I am choosing to replay it in my mind.  What could I think about instead from the past week?  Maybe how God arranged a divine appointment with a new friend and gave me joy for that afternoon?  Or how Emily and Evan are happy with their new teachers and are enjoying school so far?  Or how I felt so blessed to be back at a Bible Study group after the summer off?  Those things sound better.

What kind of everyday thoughts are in my head right now?  I'm tired.  I'm still feeling alone here.  My spirit is downcast.  Jane Doe down the road doesn't like me.  

I just reread one of the verses I think God wants me to remember each hour of each day.  

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Philippians 4:8

A few years ago I spent some time looking up each one of these words.
True: reality and fact, accurate, genuine, real
Noble: set apart, superior, high moral character
Right: beneficial, desirable, convenient, good, correct, being in accord with fact, reason and truth
Pure: without faults, clean, without impurities, inappropriate or unnecessary things
Lovely: full of love, inspiring love and affection, attractive qualities
Admirable: having wonder or delighted approval
Excellent: exceptionally good, superior, excelling
Praiseworthy: meriting praise and exaltation

I was surprised at how 'good' all of this was.  I mean, seriously, how am I supposed to think only on this stuff?  Have you seen what goes through my mind in a given hour, God?  The answer...yes...He has.  Verse 9 goes on to say, "Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."  Wow, that's exactly what I need...peace.  Romans 8:6b says, "The mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace."  

These everyday thoughts that I just wrote down definitely don't line up with what God wants me to be thinking on.  It is not lovely, right, or true...  Here's what He'd like me to think about:  I am tired - God will give me rest.  Thank you God.  "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)  I feel alone - God says I'm never alone. Thank you God. He also says He will give me the desires of my heart...might just need to be patient...  "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6)  and "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." (Psalm 37:4)  My spirit is downcast...just think about what He has done for me!  The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy." (Psalm 126:3)  Jane Doe...first of all this is my perception, it is not truth.  But then I need to remember that Jesus, perfect Jesus, did not gain approval from everyone so why do I think that I should?  "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." (John 15:8)  Why do I think I've failed when someone does not like me?  It is okay that others do not like me.  I will live at peace with everyone as far as I can and then leave it into God's hands. "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)

Here is what the goal is - "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." (2 Corinthians 10:15)  Yes, a lot of my 'changed' thoughts above were scripture.  But I know that it is truth.  Sometimes it's hard to judge what is and isn't truth in my confuddled brain of mine.  But I know that God's word is true, so I will start there.  I will allow God to transform me into a new person - one thought at a time.  And intentionally choose to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy .  And the God of peace will be with me.

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." (Romans 12:2 NLT)

My Story - A New Creation!

My Senior Picture

Practice makes perfect!  Well, maybe not...but it does help.  God wants me to practice telling my story evidently.  In the past two weeks I've shared my story three times.  Each time I'm becoming more passionate about telling it...and better.  It has taken me years to be able to articulate it sensibly -- and also for me to even make sense of the why's and how's.

I grew up knowing that God existed and created the earth and there was a heaven.  That's where my knowledge ended and the lies began.  Lies of who I was.  As I made my way through junior high and high school, I was rejected repeatedly by friends and enemies.  I was bullied and picked on by boys and girls a like.  I was told that I was going to get my butt kicked more than once - never knowing what the reasons were.  I was a good girl, a pretty girl, and a talented girl - which most likely added fuel to the fire.  I was also painfully shy.  I was scared to talk to the popular kids for fear of more rejection.  Every time I was called a name or something was said about me, I put it on like a piece of clothing.  Soon I had layers and layers and layers on me.  I allowed those comments to define me.  I did have some sweet friends and a loving family - so life wasn't awful by any means, but those comments are what I allowed myself to focus on.

As a 15 year old girl who more than anything wanted to be accepted, I was thrilled to begin dating a boy a year older than I.  The following four years I believed him as he told me I was not thin enough, not in shape enough, not smart enough, and not pretty enough.  He never actually hit me, but it hurt like it sometimes.  He said no one else would ever have me.  I believed him.  I wanted to marry him...I begged him to marry me.

I was always searching for something to make the pain less/to fill that gaping hole inside of me.  Whether it be 'love' from others, succeeding in whatever I was doing, or doing whatever everyone else was doing in order to just fit in and be accepted.  I was miserable a lot and wanted to die more than a few times.  I had developed a fear of rejection and a pretty ugly addiction to approval.

My boyfriend of four years left me with no self-confidence, damaged, and used, God sent me a friend to help me through the pain.  Jeff loved me and accepted me in a way I had not experienced yet.  Before long we were in love and starting our premarital counseling at his church.  During that time a question was asked:

If you died today, would you go to heaven?      Yes    No   Maybe

Well, I believed in God, but was that enough?  I was a pretty nice person.  I really didn't know the answer, so I circled maybe.  Over the next few days I was introduced to Jesus - who was a substitute for the sins I had committed - past and future.  I gave my life to Him, asked Him for forgiveness, knowing I needed a Savior - someone to direct my path.

A New Creation

The past 16 years or so of having Jesus in my life, He has shown me who I really am.  He has opened my eyes to the lies I believed as truth.  I was blessed to have a mentor counsel me through a lot of the hard parts of it!  It has been a process, but one that I am so thankful for!  Every single area of my life was affected by the lies I believed.  I am not worthless.  I am not damaged and used.  I am not what those kids said I was.  He says I am precious to Him and loved.(Isaiah 43:4)  I am significant.  He created me for a purpose. (Ephesians 2:10)  He wanted me.  I have a new life in Him (2 Corinthians 5:17) and He has forgiven me of my sins.  I no longer have to search for something to fill that hole inside of me to make me feel better.  He sent the Holy Spirit to live inside of me and fill that space. (Acts 2:38)  When I feel down - He is always there - He will never leave me.  (Deut. 31:8)  I am completely accepted by Him through Jesus - so I never have to worry when I am rejected by others.  I have confidence through Christ. (2 Corinthians 3:4-6)

This is just a bit of what God says about me.  You know what?  He says it about you, too!  Check out this list of truth - it's one that I love reading over and instilling in myself and my kids whenever I get a chance.  Who I Am In Christ.  <---Click on it.

As I was tucking Emily into bed last week, she asked me if I had ever been bullied when I was her age.  I shared my entire story with her.  I also was able to tell her that what those kids at school say about her is not who she is.  She is defined by her Maker and He says wonderful things about who she is.  I was so in awe of God's timing.  I had to prepare and share 'my story' to a group of ladies at church for a leadership group.  Just a few days later I had the opportunity to share with Emily and pray for those who are treating her meanly.  Then I shared again during a women's Bible study last week how I had developed a fear of rejection and how God helped me overcome it.  He is giving me some opportunities to practice.  "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."  (1 Peter 3:15)  He asked me to prepare and He will guide me in the rest.

No matter what junk is in your past, God can use it to grow you and shape you and to help others.  He can turn the pain into joy and the tears into laughter.  "Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5).  I've seen it first hand and I want you to experience it too!  You can be created anew, too!



I encourage you to check out this video on youtube that a sweet sister in Christ sent after I shared in my Bible study last week:  Video about God's Love

Taking the Time to Allow Debridement

And...life is busy again.  So many things to do.  Just made a to-do list.  That always helps me feel less overwhelmed actually.  This week holds:  Emily's first Jr. Scout meeting, a few Spring Fling Thing meetings, a few basketball coaching meetings for Jeff, and our first dinner out with another family on Friday!

Over the last week I've slowly put pictures up on the walls.  I am on a quest to move anything out of the garage that I possibly can.  Our garage is teeny and our priority is to both park in it.  I also have been moving large rocks from the pile in the next lot over and making an outline of where our area of landscaping will be that holds our picnic table, smoker, firepit, etc.  I just asked our builder if he knows any guys that would give us a few scoops of dirt to help us out for a small fee...both Jeff and I have been doing so much lifting, carrying, and odd over the head work that our necks and backs are a mess!  Jeff grilled out a few times this week.  We went to some garage sales on Saturday and found some shelving for my craft room that was cheap.

I, emotionally, have had a hard week I think.  Between not interacting with too many people and no cable tv to flip on during the day - I'm lonely I think.  I need to be filling my void with God and I am filling it with food instead. 

The kids were off on Thursday afternoon and Friday, so they both invited a friend over.  Evan's friend Brayden played on Thursday afternoon.  He reminds me so much of his friend Colin from home.  And he said "yes mam" when I asked them to start cleaning up.  Wow!  Emily had Carissa over on Thursday and she stayed the night.  We got in the van to go get Wendy's for dinner and the radio came on.  Carissa:  "I love this song!  Is this 91.9 (the local Christian station)?"  Me:  "Yup"  Emily:  "Are you a Christian?"  Carissa:  "Yes, are you??"  Emily:  "Yes"  - which lead to some neat conversations at dinner.  I was SO thrilled.  They stayed up late doing hair, makeup, games, movies, little skits, and laughing more than I've heard Emily laugh in months.  It was so neat.  They had so much fun that they convinced Carissa's parents that Emily then needed to go spend the night at her house, but we just let her go spend the day there...too little sleep for Emily makes her not very much fun to be around ---who's daughter is she??  I reminded Emily how we had been praying for a good friend and how Carissa is becoming one.  God is faithful.

Yesterday we visited church number 2.  This one was the one that my new friend Wendy and her husband attend.  It right over the border in South Carolina - Transformation Church.  The pastor is Derwin Gray - he used to play football for the Indianapolis Colts and the Carolina Panthers - then he went to seminary.  He was an extremely dynamic speaker and preached doctrinally sound.  It was a 25 minute drive though which would most likely limit our involvement some and all 4 of us felt more 'at home' at the church the previous week.  This church is doing some amazing things though in South Carolina and just announced that they are expanding to another building and another city!  They are definitely reaching people in an area that is "poor and multi-cultural" as Pastor Gray put it!  We have 3 more to visit.  All four of us are praying for God to show us the right church!

So, as I was carrying rocks yesterday afternoon I had a lot of time to think.  And last night I had a lot of time to hurt with the heating pad - ha ha ha.  First of all, I find this type of work not even work...I know, weird, right?  Love getting in the dirt and creating gardens that are peaceful and nice to look at.  It was so pleasant out - breezy and cool enough to not get sweaty.  Tons of geese on the lake and I LOVE the sound of the fountain on the lake.  Water is so soothing to me and it always has been.  Which, off track for a second - when I can HEAR water it is soothing to me...love the ocean, rain showers, a fountain, a babbling brook in Gatlinburg, even a bubble bath running.  You don't even notice water that is not moving unless you can see it - and water that doesn't move just gets nasty and weird stuff growing on it - unfit for use.  Jesus is the living water inside us.  He says in John 7:38: "Whoever believes in Me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."  and John 4:14:  "but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  The water (the Spirit in us) is living and moving - you can hear it and see it from our actions...it is soothing and a comfort for us.  It is a source of strength and peace.  In the Bible there are so many analogies about us being like water that is moving - living water, peace like a river, righteousness like waves...  But not so many about us being like water that is puddled up with sludge on top attracting mosquitoes.  Let His peace flow through us like water would - touching every open spot, every hole, nook, cranny...  Let it soak and debride and cleanse... And let His Word flow on out of us to others in everything we do....I SO needed this this morning.  Guess I really didn't get off track...  I was going to write about something else that I was thinking about while I was moving rocks, but He blessed me with the reminder that I CAN be at peace if I take the time to let Him touch every single hole of emptiness that I have right now.