Flowing Water

Memories of hot summer afternoons poking my stick into the twigs and soggy leaves and breaking apart the little dams that had formed in our backyard creek.  Pieces of dark gray slate lay in places and when the water flowed, I found it more pleasing.  So, I did my job and helped the creek along by breaking up those dams.  And sometimes 'saving' some crawdads into a gallon ice cream bucket of water.  Ew.

I have shared this before, but I absolutely love moving water and always have.  Babbling mountain streams flowing over rocks with the lush green foliage draped over the sides - richly nourished and completely healthy -- one of my favorites.  I take pictures...they never are the same as being there and hearing and watching as the water turns white in places where it gets all stirred up because of the force of the flow...I don't have to unclog the dams in those streams because the force of the water just finds a different way around it.

 

The ocean waves breaking on the beach, water running to fill my bathtub with bubbles, the fountain in our neighborhood pond, a sprinkler watering the new grass seed...  why do I love all of this?  They all bring me a sense of peace...

In my last post I mentioned that making changes in my life, breaking chains/habits that have been there for years, can not be done on my own.  I've been devouring books on healing, growing, breaking chains, etc.  What has the Lord consistently had me take away?

Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, saying, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, 'From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water.'" But this He spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. (John 7:37-39)

These scriptures tell about how Jesus was going to give the Holy Spirit to believers.  The Spirit lives inside of us and is our Helper. He is part of the Trinity, He is fully God.  He LIVES IN US!  The power of God is inside of us.  When I can not do it - He can.  Am I stepping aside and letting that living water flow from my innermost parts?  Do I even remember most of the time that He lives in me?

I have been meditating on how often in the Bible, water - especially moving water - is used to describe things.  As I close my eyes and look at the Spirit inside of me and focus on an actual flow coming out of my soul, my spirit, my heart, my belly (however you want to word it) it calms me.  I allow that water to flow through my entire body, visualizing it getting in every crack, working it's way around any dams that may be there or busting right through them, filling the voids where I ache and long for something to make me feel significant, secure and satisfied.  And after the healing water of the Spirit covers me completely, still flowing and moving, I visualize it coming out of my core and spilling over through my words and my actions -- things that will affect those around me.  And when I am actually 'in the Spirit,' God can pour His healing water over those I interact with.  I am at that point allowing the Spirit to use me as a vessel - I'm a living sacrifice.  Not my will but His be done.

Now, this is easy if you sit down and think on it...but we are busy and we are pulled in twenty directions and we are irritated and rubbed the wrong way and we have the flesh fighting the Spirit...we want our own way.  And honestly I'm not sure how often I've actually thought on the Spirit being in me and WHY He's in me in the past 18 years of being a Christian.  The Living Water will flow through us when we are allowing it to, but when we are not  - it stops.  Maybe it gets through every now and then.  Maybe.  What does water that is left with no movement do?  It grows stagnant, diseased, stinky, it attracts bugs...dams probably get stronger and stronger.  You get the point.

This is what I want to be...productive for the Lord and intentionally being nourished by the flow of the Spirit EVEN WHEN my circumstances are not great:

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.  (Jeremiah 17:8)

Revelation 22 describes a piece of Heaven.  "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city."  (v1-2)  I'm certain that you will find me on a bench listening to that sweet flow and soaking in the constant presence of the Lord.  I hope you'll come sit with me for a bit.

Image courtesy of alexisdc / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm Being Rebuilt

Last time I posted was in August.  I just reread my blog post and see that the signs of depression were there already.  In mid-September, for no particular circumstantial reason, I was hit with the most paralyzing depression I've ever experienced.  I've battled it a few times in my past...but this time was different.  It was an all-consuming, dark, quicksand-like muck that I got stuck in and it stripped me of my 'self' quicker than I realized what was happening.  It's hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced it, but I'll try.

It is to have a physical pain that hurts so badly, but you can't quite pinpoint exactly where it hurts...mostly your heart.  It just hurts.  It's dark.  And it makes you want to cry out...but you don't have the energy to cry out, so you just lay down.  And hide.  But...then you have a lot of time, unless you're blessed with the escape of sleep.  And time is the enemy because within that empty time the demons, seeing that the armor is laying on the floor next to you, walk right up to you and sink their teeth in.  The accuser, the deceiver of this world, does his thing and brings to mind every failure, rejection and negative thought you've ever had...and whispers them til you agree...'Yes, yes, I am those things.'  Auto-piloting through the things you can't get out of, canceling the other things.  Things that normally bring joy you just don't do.  Everything seems fuzzy, what truths you had clung to are now just out of grasp and you don't have the energy or desire to grab on to them.  'I'm defeated...I'm so sad.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I can't pray.'  So much sadness, so much hurt but unable to cry and release it.  The feeling of being all alone is overwhelming.  The truth that many love you and want to help you sinks in the mud and the lie of loneliness and rejection rules.

NOT a good spot.  Very scary.  That was mid September.  I visited my doctor immediately, pleading for her to fix me now...and I received some medicine.  Which is great, but it takes 4 or so weeks to take effect.  I had amazing support from family and friends who checked in on me constantly.  I did not want to talk, but the effort was appreciated.  I can not say enough about the friends who 'loved at all times' during this...when I was un-engaged, unmotivated and not fun in any way.  It was probably the hardest for Jeff who couldn't help me, which is what he always wants to do.  With the help of a Christian counselor and the medicine, I started to get back to a level of functioning, one where when the sadness came I could cry at least and work through it.  Not the best, but do-able.

Since then I have been on quite a journey.  Medicines are not quite right and have been changed several times.  Counseling has been hard - very taxing.  But I already see that the reward and payoff is going to be great.  Because of the illness of depression I sought out counseling...but through this I received the opportunity to spend some time looking at who I am.  Typically you don't spend time in deep self-introspection and dissection, uncovering stuff that is 'just fine' buried under all the layers.  I see it now.  I've looked at why I am this way or that way.  I've cried, I've mourned, I've connected dots, I've wished, I've explored, I've shamed myself, I've hated myself, I've asked for forgiveness, I've forgiven, I've loved and I'm allowing others to love me.

And now, I am at a turning point.  I think. (I keep slipping on the side of the pit...soon I'll be away from it.)  God and I have scooped out of me every habit, hurt, hang-up, memory, experience, characteristic, etc - it's all sitting on a table in front of me.  Even many of the things that I'd worked on in the past seemed to only have been patched and the patches were chipping and curling off.  And now, I am ready.  And I will become me.  The beloved daughter that He wants me to be, the person I long to be.  The parts that He wants back in, we'll put back in, some will need to be thrown out, some will need to be replaced or toned down.  I'm being rebuilt...made more like Him.

I'm starting with what I know is in me and can't be taken out - the Spirit...and I'm acknowledging Him.  He is IN me, actually IN me.  All that time that I was so miserable He felt it too, He wept with me.  Now and always, His power is available to me.  His truth is in me.  Who He says I am is a part of me - the foundation that I want to build upon.  The Fruit of the Spirit is in me:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I'm learning a few things as I'm getting ready to rebuild.  I'm not going to be constructed overnight.  In fact, I will not be finished until I meet Him face to face.  Habits and defense mechanisms and chains have been with me for 38 years.  So, I must give myself grace when I slide.  And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

I absolutely must put on the armor each day.  Satan has seen what he did to me and knows my weaknesses.  He will not win though.  But he's still going to try.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

The mind is where the battle is...I fail regularly in the area of taking my thoughts captive...but I have to keep trying.  Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2

Rebuilding is not something I can do.  It's mostly about me becoming a vessel for the Holy Spirit to flow in and through.  It's about letting go of control and the hope to do things perfectly.  It's about submitting fully to Him and His plan, His timing, His control - trust.  It's about Faith.  As I read the title of my blog:  "Never Say Never: My Faith Journey".  I figure that my story can re-start right here at this point in my life.  It always comes down to Faith it seems:

        "Do I believe you God?"

                                     "Do I trust You?"

Welcome back to my faith journey.  Yes, I've taken quite a few months off from writing, but it's time now.  One thing that gets taken off the table today and put back in to me - Expressing myself through the therapy of writing.

I waffled on whether or not to share all of this.  I'm embarrassed.  I shouldn't be.  Why is this disease such a taboo topic?  I know it is hard to support someone who is constantly emotionally draining.  And it may seem as though those who are depressed aren't trying to get better and are just wallowing around.  Maybe some don't put forth effort in healing, but for me it was like trying to get out of a pit that had been rubbed down with Crisco...it is frustrating and seemed impossible at times.  It really stinks though that it's easier and more comfortable and not as messy to support someone who has had a heart attack or a broken bone.

If you know someone who is depressed and you don't know how to support them:  send a card, send flowers, bring a meal or a dessert, give them a hug or several - every time you see them, drop them a text - all you have to say - "I'm praying for you. This won't last forever." All that stuff goes so far even though it doesn't seem like much.

I realize that there is a possibility with me posting this for the world to see that someone might think I'm weak and won't try to understand...I am okay with that.  I'm picking up another few things off of the table and putting them in me - I want to continue to be real, open, honest, genuine, and approachable.  I still want others to feel like they aren't alone.  And one that I've not been so good at but I'm putting in me - I am going to be okay if someone doesn't like me over this or something else.  Not everyone is going to like me.  I will let go of the unrealistic striving for everyone to be happy with me constantly.  Thus, I will share these things.  This is me.  This is part of my story of growing in faith and the beginning of the rebuilding of me.  

There is hope.  Especially with Jesus' help.  He is our hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.  Romans 15:13

Confessions of a Tween's Mom - Eyes are Opened

Over the past couple of months I've been enlightened...well, a bit.  I've learned the definitions of 'fangirling' and 'bronies' and what it means to be 'friendzoned.'  So, I'm now super cool to my now 12 year old daughter...well, not really.

What I've really been clued in to is the crazy, crazy time that our kids are growing up in.  Emily's church youth group leaders had a brunch for moms of sixth grade girls a few weeks ago.  While there I learned that our girls are faced with bad language used by fellow classmates and friends.  The 'F' word, along with all the others, is being said around my Emily every day.  I am proud of her that she's made the decision for now that those words don't need to be said because they're nasty, but she still has to hear them come out of the mouths of most of the kids around her on a daily basis.  It was also shared that the seventh grade girls are dealing mostly with their friends and classmates being anxious, depressed, cutting themselves, and threatening suicide.  It seriously made me scared to hear this.  I left this get-together with my eyes beginning to be opened, but more was to come.  I recently was the 'adult' presence during an activity with Emily and a few other 12 year old girls.  One of them talked very freely about her friends who cut and want to die.  She also brought up the recent news about facebook adding more gender choices than just male and female - to which Emily said, "well that is silly, there are only two."  Right on, girl!  The concern for me continued as I had coffee with a friend who told me how her seventh grade son is dealing with friends who have shown him pornography and how there are sixth grade girls having babies.  Pick me up off the floor and fan me please....this mom has wide-open eyes now.

So, what do we do with this?  Like I said, my immediate response was to be scared for what our children are going to have to come up against.  I truly believe that they are going out into a war zone every day and we have GOT to equip them with the tools to fight well - instead of just being a P-E-S-T.

Pray:  I admit very ashamedly that I have not been praying for my children very often at all.  Prayer will bring  power to them through the Holy Spirit but it will also alleviate our fears and anxieties!  I pulled the book, "Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian, off of my shelf and dusted it off since I hadn't opened it since I received it when Evan was born.

"When we don't pray, it's like sitting on the side-lines watching our children in a war zone getting shot at from every angle.  When we do pray, we're in the battle alongside them, appropriating God's power on their behalf.  If we also declare the Word of God in our prayers, then we wield a powerful weapon against which no enemy can prevail."  (page 21)

Educate ourselves:  I laugh a lot that I 'live in a little Christian-bubble' with a perfect little life and am so naive to what goes on in the world - I look at people 'around here' and think they're all good - that there is nothing really evil going on.  I will not laugh about this any more.  It isn't funny nor cute that I'm 'sheltered.'  This is the point in my life that I need to educate myself to what kids are into.  What slang is what.  What they will face so I can talk to them before they face it.

Spend time together/be intentionally involved:  I just recently have told a few friends how Emily and I don't have a lot in common that we love to talk about.  But, she just read the Divergent book series and she loves to talk about what she's reading.  So, I started reading them too.  It gave us a nice way to talk through some of the books and a fun way to connect as the movie comes out later this month.  I am super-glad I did this.  Sometimes opportunities do not just pop up but we have to be intentional to be involved and to work at our relationships.  In some relationships this happens naturally, but in some it doesn't - especially with a hormone-raging, roller-coaster-of-emotions, highly-sensitive tween.  Intentionally schedule some time to do something that she enjoys together.

Talk with our kids:  After we came home from the event where I overheard the talk about cutting and suicide and genders, etc., I talked to her about it.  I asked her what she thought.  I asked her if any of her friends talked like that.  I assured her that she needs to tell me if any of her friends ever talked about hurting themselves.  Jeff has taken her out recently and asked her what her friends are into and who is doing what? We got that idea from a friend in our Lifegroup!  Jeff just talked to the kids about how he was experiencing some peer pressure with his friends recently and what he did to resolve that.  And I just told Emily how grumpy I was because I was tired last night.  Hopefully they are learning a little by example.  We have to keep that dialogue going.  I also had to have 'the talk' with Emily recently before sixth grade health class beat me to it.  I wanted her to hear it from us first and about what God says on the topic.  I knew if she didn't hear it from us it wasn't going to be taught to her at school!

I'm sure that those of you with older kids are way past this stage of eye-opening and have all kinds of ideas on how to keep our kids on the right track.  Please share your experiences with us embarking on this stage!  It definitely helps to talk to others and get ideas and counsel.  And I know that the Wednesday night youth group at our church has been so great for Emily this year - it's a confusing time for middle and high schoolers.  If you have a teen who would like to go, please let me know!  Jeff and I are definitely thankful that Emily has two extremely godly women leading her group at church who are available and invested in Emily's life.  I'm glad that Emily has another choice of someone to talk to...sometimes parents aren't quite enough.

The fear has been replaced for the moment with thankfulness that we have so many tools available to help in raising our children in this world.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.'  My fear was/is not from God.  I know that with Him, we can rest in the truth in Proverbs 22:6, 'Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.'  And when the anxiety creeps in again:  'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.' (Philippians 4:6)

He gave us our children for a reason.  He obviously thought we could do it.  We want to do a good job and I know you do, too!  We're far from perfect but we are learning and I'm so thankful that God is equipping us through His word and His people!

He is Doing a New Thing!

Don't you love this time of year?  I love getting back into a routine after school starts.  New school supplies, new Bible studies, new opportunities, groups, clubs.  God's all about changes and seasons and newness, too.  He may let us stay in one place for awhile, but He'll usually at some point pick us up and turn us around and pat our back in a different direction.  'Ok, you've done what I want you to in this place, now I need you to go over here for awhile.'  Or 'Girl, you are spinning your wheels and I never even told you to go that way...how about you go this way now.'  (Just so you know I have a picture of a wind-up toy stuck up against a wall in my head right now!)  Sometimes it is a big relief when things finally change.  Sometimes you know it is the path He wants you on, but it is one of the hardest things you'll ever do.

Visiting with a few of my sisters in Christ in Indiana this July!

As those parts of my heart have healed mostly from moving away from my family, friends, work, church, and community - I was finally able to have a relaxing visit in my hometown this summer and call upon friends to meet up and I didn't feel like my heart was going to be shredded to pieces while doing so!  But other places in my heart are still raw.  Over the past two years He's had me on a few different roads and I've stopped and started and trudged along and recently really felt lost on the foggy road.  Disconnect and loneliness was really taking a toll on me.  The rabbit trails I had taken on my own since being here were not filling the void - even though I tried hard.  This summer was full of fun family time but it was also hard on me emotionally as I felt so alone.  Depression.  God was always there though.   Sometimes waiting on God to change our season is so hard!  Here is what to remember during the wait though!   2 Corinthians 4:17:  "For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!"

The last few weeks have been lighter, my outlook has changed.  I'm looking forward to so much!  I'm a part of things - not just in them - but a part of them.  He is directing our family on a few different paths than what we were on.  He's pushing me out of my comfort zone in a few ways that makes me have butterflies in my belly and a smile on my face at the same time when thinking of actually doing what I've said I'll do!   He's providing blessings of uplifting conversations and new friendships and connections - encouragement.  Maybe it was all there before - it probably, actually was.  The eyes of my heart may have been hardened and closed.  Yes, Lamentations 3:22-23 says "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."  His compassion, love and faithfulness is always with us - new every morning for us.  He remains the same.  I just was not in a place of recognizing it.

God encouraged me this morning with Isaiah 43:19 while doing a Bible study.  "See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland."  I've read it before, loved it, was encouraged by it.  But it came alive and personal again this morning.  It's a promise.  And it was Him talking to me.  I can sense the change lately.  I can sense the newness.  I can sense the excitement.  And the hope!

Do I feel happy all the time?  Is everything just peachy in my life?  No!  But to have hope and a promise of a new thing...and a promise that seasons change and don't last forever...  To have a God who is personal enough and loves me enough to point out to me this morning that it is He who is taking care of me and changing things - "See??  I am doing a new thing!"  To give me hope...

Thank you Jesus...thank you...

Timeless Advice

SOLD and CLOSED!

I just read our pastor's blog a bit ago and enjoyed reading a few scriptures he referenced from Deuteronomy about Moses instructing the people of Israel before they entered the promised land.  I became curious at what all Moses instructed them on, so I looked it up.  

I've compared several aspects of our journey over the past 19 months to what the Israelites experienced - constant/perfect provision from God, grumbling/complaining attitude, the need to remember what God has done for us...  So, I thought it'd be good for me to read up on what God wanted Moses to tell the Israelites after they were finally getting what they had sought after for so long.  He had quite a bit to instruct them on, but a few things stood out to me as timeless advice for us.

• Praise Him and give Him thanks!  When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Deuteronomy 8:10
• Don't forget Who got us here - Who worked it out for us.  Remember!!  Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.  Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.  He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions.  He brought you water out of hard rock.  He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you.  You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me."  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:11-18
• Worship the Lord, obey Him, love Him and serve Him.  And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?  Deuteronomy 10:12-13
• Guard against worshiping other gods - like money, relationships, things, hobbies, etc.  Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Deuteronomy 11:16
• Intentionally and regularly place the word of God in our hearts and minds and in our kids' hearts and minds.  Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-20

There's really nothing about these instructions that screams 'You-just-got-what-you-wanted-and-God-has-answered-your-prayers - you-had-better-be-on-guard!'  I wouldn't guess that we'd need to be especially on guard, but the Israelites sure were warned about a lot.  We need to take care to continue to cling to God like we have during our journey.  I can see a big exhale coming.  Relaxing...  slacking...  But we can not slack on our relationship with God...ever.  When I relax and am not diligent about guarding my heart and my mind, the devil can get in quietly and damage is done.   

In the past month while starting to relax some and waiting for our closing we have already been attacked in several ways.  We forgot His faithfulness - we started worrying.  But He quickly taught us the importance of revisiting and remembering His loving care for us.  I allowed a 'vacation' to begin once an offer was made on the house - it was unintentional, but it happened.  My reliance on Him relaxed and I wasn't diligent in my time with Him.  Slowly and quietly my mind was eaten up with lies and untruths about almost every area of my life.  Satan said, "Look here, she is relaxing, she is taking a break, and I know where I can get to her and make her ineffective for Christ.'  I was so thankful that last weekend God brought me to familiar scriptures through friends and books that He wanted me to camp on:  Philippians 4:6-9 says, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.'

So, yes, this season is ending.  Finally.  Another begins though and we will always have struggles.  Circumstances shouldn't dictate our happiness.  Our faith in God will give us joy if we allow it to.  It has been hard, but God has taught us so much while shaping us into people who reflect Him a bit more clearly.  He has sustained us. God has done great things for us and we will sing for joy!  

Faith - It Ain't Easy!

We are on the verge of a big change, not sure what it is.  I've not felt this 'unsettled' since before we got the call to move to Charlotte.  I am confused, yet He is making my path pretty clear.  The confusion is just basically not understanding what He is doing.  But who said we need to understand it.   He has closed door after door for me with jobs thus far.  He has made clear our budget and what we can and can not do.

Weary and Broken

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 41:28-31

This has been a long two weeks.  Loooonnnggg.  I am tired and weary and am stumbling and falling.  Right now I need to hope in the Lord so that my strength is renewed.  So I can walk, run, and soar over my circumstances and not become bogged down.  I know.  I have heard.  He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth.  He is not someone we can understand.  He does not become tired or weary.  He gives His own strength to the weary and gives His own power to the weak.  I am so thankful that His Spirit is inside of me, picking me up right now as I stumble along.  I need a recharge!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12

On the morning of August 22nd I woke up at 4am with a headache.  It was so dark and quiet in the house.  It was raining.  A steady hard rain.  I was praying myself back to sleep.  Praying about the sell of our house.  God spoke to me.  He said 'soon.'  I knew it was Him...no question.  I was so at peace, thanking Him.

Since that moment, it seems like I have been battling.  The rulers, authorities, and powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil are present and trying to make themselves known - that is not a joke.   I definitely am not battling with any human right now...well, except my flesh maybe.  I know what I believe yet I question myself. I need to claim what I heard and Who I heard it from - He told me that it would be 'soon' - I need to cling to it. The devil is trying to tell me that I didn't hear it or it wasn't Him. He is also letting me entertain feelings of complete hopelessness on the whole situation.

Since that morning...

• Jeff's company had a consulting group (or whatever you call them - probably could insert some not so nice names here!) in to make some 'suggestions' on how to save the company money.  They made some decisions on cutting some jobs/positions out here and there and reorganizing some others.  They have known this for a few weeks now - us knowing that Jeff would find out on August 30th.  What a weight to carry around.  I'm proud of Jeff - he handled it so well - giving it all to God and letting Him have complete control of it instead of worrying day in day out.  He found out yesterday that his position was going to be fine.  I always felt pretty positive about it - Jeff has done wonderful things with his department since he moved here and has been recognized for it.  But you just never know...and being in the situation we are in... Ugh.  So, praise Him for protection for Jeff's job - once again!
• Our church home of 34 years in Indiana went through some hard changes last week - that had most likely been brewing for a few years.  Many mistakes were admittedly made in handling the changes and unfortunately has left many disheartened and so broken.  We are hurting too for the divisiveness this has caused amongst the body.
• Our church home of 9 months in North Carolina went through some hard changes last week.  Our lead pastor stepped down.  There was inconsistency between his behavior and the standard for spiritual leaders as listed in 1 Timothy 3:1-7.  We are so sad - we so enjoyed his preaching.  And so burdened to pray for him and his family.  What is affecting us the most though - the fallout from this - the ripple effect that goes throughout the families in the congregation.  As life group leaders, Jeff and I are in the midst of this - trying to check in on and comfort and encourage our friends and the church leaders.  Jeff has been incredibly strong through this - speaking truth and God's encouragmenet into lives here and in Indiana.  As a couple, we have decided that our church has handled this the best that they could - taking many steps to prevent it from happening, we agree with the plan they have moving forward so that this is less likely to happen again, and we are letting go of the want to know 'what in the world happened??'  There are several couples/people that I feel we have grown closer to through these past few weeks of this hard, sad time.  So, praise Him for giving us friends - once again!
• I still have not heard a thing from the 7 jobs I have applied for.  But, I will praise Him for providing for us, Jeff's job stability, and more time at home!
• Our house has been for sale for 14 month now (minus the few months the renters were in).  This has been where I have struggled the most...for a year now...wow.  God wants me to trust HIM.  Our sense of security and stability should be found in Him, who never changes and never fails - not our situations, our relationships, our finances, our jobs, our homes, our churches... He wants me to learn this and accept this. I am being broken...I do believe.  God and I have been in a tug of war over this for a year.  I am tired.  Of course, He is not pulling  - I am.  He'll let me keep trying to control it.  Our poor realtor got the brunt of my frustrations this week.  I hear suggestions and advice and I think - ah! maybe that will work - maybe that will sell it.  All the while, God is standing patiently right by my side saying - 'Just give it to Me.'  So I give it to Him, I wait a while...then I take it right back...thinking - you aren't doing anything, so I will try.  “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mark 9:24)  I really do believe.  THIS is what spiritual warfare is all about...I believe.  I do!!!  Then self gets in the way.  Then the devil whispers - 'this is hopeless...it's been 14 months!  take action - you need to do something.'  Then I say - "Get away from me."  Then I'm ok for an hour...maybe.  Exhausted.  Weary.  I will persevere.  God gave me encouragement a week and a half ago.  I will NOT let the devil stomp out my hope.  And as our Indiana neighbors celebrate because they just sold their house in about a month so they could relocate out of state, I will choose to celebrate with them.  He can't make us all have cookie-cutter stories and experiences, so our situation is what we need. Them selling quickly is what they need.  I wrestled Him last night for awhile over this...at least it was a nice night out - full moon, pretty fountain to look at - hopefully no mosquito bites - we'll see!
• I went to the doctor for a UTI on Monday, but am feeling much better from the drugs.  Having palpitations though.  I know that is from stress though.  The three day weekend will help I'm sure.
• The kids started school on Monday.  They love their teachers!  I'm so glad.  
• Emily pulled out her last tooth without us knowing and put it under her pillow to see if the Tooth Fairy would come.  Jeff and I talked to her last night and now my baby girl is another step closer to being an adult.  There were tears...mostly hers.  But she accepted things really well.  And once again, Jeff stepped in and did an amazing job explaining things to her.

So thankful that God has provided us with a great community, growing friendships (new and old), a good school, a good job for Jeff.  That my husband has stepped up and been so strong through this since I've struggled.

I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, but God - You never will.  Give me strength to trust what you say.  That You're good and Your love is great.  I'm broken inside.  I give you my life.
(click on it - it's a song I've been singing over and over and over in my head for weeks...)

Please pray for me to rest in Isaiah 41:28-31...thanks friends.

Some of What I've Learned

A year ago today we left the comforts of a lifetime in Indiana cornfields and drove to the blue skies of North Carolina. We went through some crazy emotions of loneliness, sadness, anger, excitement, happiness, and jealousy.  We got used to setting our GPS every time we went anywhere.  We got used to introducing ourselves and telling where we came from.  Slowly we have put down roots in NC and cut ties in Indiana.  And today, one year later...we are blessed beyond measure - we love it here.  Our home is here and it is truly where we want to be.  God has done this.  I never wanted to leave Indiana. 

In a year's time you can learn a lot.  Especially when you are grieving on so many different levels.  Especially when most everything/everyone you know is gone.  Here are some of the things I've learned.

• It's ok to cry - even in front of others!
• Getting involved in what we love right away was good for us in so many ways.
• Writing makes it much easier for me to express my emotions, pick things apart, and release my frustrations.
• It's one thing to have a lot of acquaintances, but to have one or two real sister in Christ friends is absolutely a blessing like no other!  Getting redirected back to His promises over and over and over and over by these women have helped me get through this.  Their patience is amazing.  
• Grieving takes quite a while.  Once you think you have one thing dealt with another pops up.  You can't rush it or will it to end.  You have to experience it so it is dealt with when it does end.
• If you've gone through a big move in the past - you understand - you can relate - and you encourage those who are going through it SO much.  I felt so much more comforted when I was talking to or with those who 'got it.'  Not that those who haven't can't - but just not to the same level.
• We have really fun and special times with our family when we see them now since we aren't seeing them every other day.
• When making new friends - you can't wait on them to make the first, second, third moves.  I have to get off my butt and invite invite invite!  Most are too busy to think of doing it themselves, but love it when you do.
• My passion is still connecting other women to other women in order that every woman feels encouraged and loved and a sense of belonging and knows His peace and love through others.
• Another passion of mine is emerging - a sense of urgency that the lost in our own little worlds would know Him and what He has to offer before this life is over. 
• Some friends I thought were friends weren't such good friends.
• Some friends I thought weren't friends were good friends.
• I love to belong to a women's Bible study, but I don't love to lead them.
• Jeff and I are each others family here. He and the kids are most important to me.  Period.
• It is hard to keep in touch with friends when you move, but those "pick up where you left off with" ones are precious.
• You can endure anything for a time.  We drove 2 hours a day for 10 weeks when we first got here last year.  We have now had our house on the market twice - but since July of last year have had this burden.  And not just endure - live...and live joyfully...and learn and grow!!
• We were saved from a situation in Evansville where Jeff would have lost his job earlier this year.  The loose ends of this transition are not tied up yet - but this is where God wanted us.  
• We have no regrets about moving here - because this is where God told us to go.  If we would have stayed because of fear or doubt, I am positive we would have regretted it.
• Jeff and I CAN do handy things around the house without my mom and dad - we just had to try!
• Sunshine, blue skies, and working in landscaping makes me giddy happy!
• It is a pain to move to another state.  Just the work for all of your stuff is enough.  But, the switching of driver's license/plates/registration, voting, address changes, insurances, utilities, nursing license, etc - it has been a job to get it all switched!  
• Talk to new people like they are old friends - it's easier and more comfortable :) They get to see who I am immediately!
• Surround myself with those reflect Him and help me to be a better me.  I need not bother with drama of relationships that I know are not healthy for me.
• It is fun to have the ability to have guests stay with us.  We have been so happy to have had so many people pass through Charlotte and see us or come just to see us!
• Tithing is important and an act of obedience and trust.  I'm learning to do it with a joyful heart.
• Time with Emily is becoming more and more important as these years go by.  We now are having 'girl time' every single night were we can talk about anything and do some devotions together.  
• Patience - ok, well, I'm haven't learned this one.  I'm 'learning' this one.  Everything has been about waiting this past year. 
• It's ok to let a mess go in the house.  I can not stay on top of it as easily here...and it is ok.
• Being by myself is ok.  Being over-committed so I'm not by myself is not ok.
• "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21

Home!

My mom is the best!

We're home!  I can say that joyfully.  Being in Evansville made us realize that home is in North Carolina now.  Although we aren't 100% settled here, we are definitely not at home in Evansville.  We had a nice visit.  It was a learning experience for us though.  We tried to do entirely too much.  It is hard to think that maybe we can just jump right back into the life that we left 5 months ago.  It is amazing how life just continues to go on when 4 people are removed from it.  Not that I didn't expect it to go on -- I definitely did.  And, it doesn't even really hurt too much, it is just interesting to observe.  We think we are so significant and even when we are involved in tons of different ways in our hometown - just 5 short months later, there is no trace of our presence - just life continuing on without us.  Don't misunderstand me - I am not having a poor me moment.  It is humbling.  I watched a Criminal Minds episode with my parents a few nights ago and it was about a mother who was totally flipping out on the one year anniversary of losing her son in a terrible accident.  She observed how the world just continues on while grieving was her entire existence for a year.  Not suggesting that I am going to flip out and shoot people!!!  Just seeing that others experience this.  Thank goodness that in big life changes those who know Jesus as their personal Savior have a Constant in their life that NEVER changes at all.  Even when life goes on in Indiana, He came with us to North Carolina and will be with us no matter where we are.   

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

That gives me peace about this change -- a peace like none other.  It is okay that our circles in Indiana are shrinking, for He is widening our circles in NC.  I am ready.  I am looking forward to it.  I feel incredibly blessed that instead of coming home to NC sad and homesick this year at Christmastime, I came home happy from our visit and expectant of all that He has in store for us at home!  Thank you Lord!

A special birthday cake

My favorite Christmas Tradition

We had fun staying with my parents, visiting with many in my extended family, Chris and Judy, Jenny and Jason, and some friends!  We got to carry on traditions of Christmas socks for Judy, Jenny, Emily, and I - Christmas sugar cookies made by mom - extended Lottes family celebration - pulling Uncle Dave's beard - a lunch with Aunt Kathy - ornaments given to the kids by Aunt Jenny (and a tacky snow globe for me from her!).

Aunt Tammy and Uncle Dave

What a blessing that we still got to do all of this even though we live so far away.  It is my hope that we will continue to get to spend Christmas with family - even if it isn't on the day.  We also enjoyed a few beers with Jimmy and Tiffany, a meal and special cake and great fellowship with Matthew and Kendra, and a dinner with some soccer friends.  I enjoyed a cookie exchange with my sister friends and a lunch with my eldest friend and mentor.  Jeff enjoyed a day visiting at the old office with his friends. Emily got to play with her friend Emma for a morning and Evan got to play with his friend Colin for a morning. It was a lot packed into a few days and Jeff and I ended up with colds.  We were greeted back home by two attention-starved fur balls and a pile of Christmas cards and a sweet birthday gift from another friend from Indiana.  Blessed.

Some prayer requests please:

• I have contacted the lady who does most of the ministry to women at the church we will call home.  I let her know that I am interested in serving the women of the church and am praying about how that might look.  We will meet together after the New Year.  I am excited, but do not want to do any more or less than what God wants of me at this time.

• For our house to sell soon!

Merry Christmas to my family and friends!  Remember Him this year and join me in meditating on what our gifts might be to Him on the day of His birth.

Some Things We Know

We had a very fun week with Judy here!  Some highlights of this week:  Stepping in mud and getting paint on us while showing Judy and Sue our house Tuesday.  Some awesome slaw at a restaurant.  Watching fast cars go fast at the Bojangles Pole Night for the big NASCAR race at the Charlotte Motor Speedway (and enjoying it!)  Both of the kids getting straight A's on their first report cards!  Bead shops, Quilting shops, Antique shops, Fabric shops, Yarn shops, and Consignment shops in Davidson, Concord, Kannapolis, Huntersville, Mooresville, Stallings, and Monroe!  (Don't worry, I barely bought anything!)  Eating at a Mexican restaurant who had their doors open since it was so nice out and being startled by the bird flying around above our heads.  Me receiving an early Christmas present - my first sewing machine!!! Which I am SO excited about!  Trying shrimp and grits and loving it.  Emily learning how to crochet a bit.  Sue, Judy, and I being so in to shopping and eating that we had to call Jeff away from work to go pick up the kids from school because we weren't going to make it there in time. Oops!

Our house is coming along awesomely...is that a word?  Jeff and I and the kids stopped by this afternoon and walked through it.  They have trim up, cabinets in, tile in, counter tops on, some appliances in, light fixtures up, toilets in.  The outside looks almost complete.  It rained for a few days this past week so the yard did not get worked on, but the stone is done, gutters on, sidewalks and driveway poured.  It looks so neat.  It is really exciting.  I never ever ever dreamed that we'd be doing this right now.  It just goes to show how unpredictable life is.  Not always are the changes good...sometimes they are bad, but sometimes the good comes with a lot of hard....  Some things we KNOW about this change in our lives:

• We have been blessed beyond measure straight from God.  James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.   

• Yet we are hurting and are mourning a loss.  John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

• He comforts us!  Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

• And He gives us strength through His Spirit and through others who have done this before. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 

• And He prepared us for this already.  Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Thank you Lord~

Thank you for Jeff's promotion - for the recognition in the workplace that he has received.  Thank you for providing a warm, safe, and loving environment for us to stay while our house is being built.  Thank you for a new beautiful house!  We realize that these are straight from You!  Thank you for loving on us when we are sad and allowing us to mourn, but then allowing us to tap into that Strength who lives in us.  Thank you for surrounding us with encouragement from so many and especially those who have been comforted by You before and are able to comfort us with the comfort You gave them.  Thank you for preparing us for this - for shaping us into the people that You wanted and needed us to be in order to give us these blessings and be available for the next "good thing" You will have us do.

Not every blessing comes up all roses all the time.  God has promised that we will have trouble in this world - even amidst all the great things.  I am thankful that while we are enjoying our blessings and praising Him for them, we can also call on Him for comfort since this blessing is causing pain, too!  Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!

"Blessings" by Laura Story - Click here to listen to a great song to go with my thoughts tonight!

Rainy Afternoon Tears

It is raining and I am crying.  I have cried more in the past few weeks than I have all year...I just don't do it much.

So, I think that weekends are going to be the hardest for us for awhile.  The routine of the week - even the driving - gives us purpose and direction.  When the weekend arrives, we have no real responsibilities, no plans, no energy, no desire to drive anywhere...which leads to me laying around, thinking about home, family, and friends and becoming sad.  Am I depressed?  I hope not.  I hope I am just mourning.  I was feeling rather abandoned by God today - which means I am the one that left - because His Word says He will never leave me or abandon me.  I know better than to not be spending tons of time with Him right now.  There is an enemy who would so love to destroy me with this change.  So, on goes some klove (this song was on:  "Lift Me Up" by The Afters ) and "devotions on major life changes" was my google search.  Here are some of the tidbits I took from these that I need to remember.

A great acronym:
Christ
Has
A
New
Gift
Each
Second

During this change each minute has a gift from God/a blessing for me if I choose to see it.  Will I look for/expect them?  Will I see this change as an opportunity to grow closer to Him as I see Him intimately involved in my life in every moment, or will I choose to feel as though He is not there?

Another devotion entitled, Crossing Rivers, was fantastic.  Click on the words to read it.  I have always loved devotions about our "path" and how God guides us on our path and what happens when we lose our way, etc.  In fact, a few years ago I started collecting verses and hope to one day write something up about our path in life according to His Word.  Anyway, this devotion was so pertinent to my path and this change.  It does feel like I am walking right into a rushing river right now.  I feel like if my focus falters I can be swept under so easily right now.  It is unfamiliar, it is hard, it is exhausting just standing here, it feels like I am not going to make it to the other side.  All around me people are rushing around, in their familiar, busy, and comfortable lives as I stand here hoping to not go under.  I am already in so far that I can't turn around.  We are committed.  Jeff has a job, God is blessing us, Tony and Sue are blessing us, the kids are enrolled in school, they have started building our house.  We are in this.  I have to keep going - staying in the middle of the river is not an option.  I can try to flounder and use up my strength, I can call out to those on the shore I left and ask for help but their replies are distant (although they do lift me up some).  If I call out to Him and rely on Him to carry me I can do this.  This is of Him.  I did pray about entering this river and did follow His lead.  This was NOT my doing, nor my decision to walk into this crazy river!  Like His children of Israel, He will get me to the other side.  He may not part the waters completely for me though.  It may be extremely challenging, but I need to let Him carry me to the other side.

The other part of this devotion talks about making sure you have a firm foundation built on Him so that you can make it through the downpours that come unexpectantly.  So, it hit me how our builder for our new home has told us no less than 3 times how our house is going to be built on solid and firm ground.  When we walked around on our lot the day we purchased, we noticed some really cool rocks.  We asked the builder if they could scoop those over to the side for us to use in our landscaping later.  He agreed.  The pile has gotten quite large...like taller than me!  When I drove by last week and saw them digging the footers I pulled over, rolled down the window, and took some pictures.  I even heard the metal of the shovel scraping the rock as they tried to dig.  Yes, I don't believe this house is going to go anywhere.  It will be built on firm foundation.  This was something the builder was excited to tell us and I was excited to pass on to my dad - because it is a good thing!  You don't want to exactly pass on to others, 'Guess what?  They are building our house on a swampy, low area, with some sand in it!'  Well, I am glad our house isn't going to sink, but I want to be prepared in life too - when the downpours come (which they will) I want to say 'Yes, I don't believe this girl is going anywhere...He is my foundation and He is true and sure and will not sink, nor will I!!' 

"Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:  And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." (Matthew 7:24-27)


Help me Lord, to see you in every moment blessing me during this change.  Help me to make You my foundation daily. Help me to rise above my circumstances and allow you to carry me through this river to the other side!

Holding Pattern

The sky today is perfect sky blue with no clouds and no wind.  I can hardly believe that there was a hurricane yesterday 200 miles from us that caused such damage.

This morning we went to the club that Uncle Tony is a part of - he flies radio control airplanes as a hobby.  We got to see him do some neat tricks.  And of course, the wind picked up while we were there.  One plane got stuck in the trees, but was retrieved!   This afternoon Emily and I got to do some shopping together and then I helped her with a project for school.  It was nice to spend some time together just the two of us.

Friday I had the opportunity to talk on the phone to my friend during my commute to pick up the kids.  It was the first time I was able to talk to a friend from home since the week before.  I really was amazed at how this lifted me up yet really made me sad at the same time.  I have been a little 'off' this weekend and I just wonder if it is beginning to sink in a bit.  Bible study in Evansville started up yesterday.  An event I really wanted to take Emily to on Friday took place in Evansville.  I can't ride to Monday Bible study with my neighbor anymore, or eat lunch with my buddies on Tuesdays. It's coming out as shortness with the kids and Jeff...they just can't do anything right right now :(  I am sad and probably need a good cry.

I also have realized that I really don't feel as though we have actually moved.  We are in a holding pattern (just like a plane- a maneuver designed to delay an aircraft already in flight while keeping it within a specified airspace.) And we will not land and reach our destination until we move in in the beginning of November. Holding patterns aren't exactly comfortable and all you want to do is land and get on with life.  So...I hope that I can use this time to it's fullest instead of looking to just pass the time quickly so we can land and go about our life.  This IS my life, even in the holding pattern.  We spend so much time just wanting to get to that next point.  It will come soon enough.  And God probably has something to teach me right now while I am holding.

And, since I have realized that I don't think it is going to be really real until November when we move in and start establishing our routines, I have decided to wait and look at taking the study on "After the Boxes are Unpacked" in January.  I think it will be so much more applicable then vs. now.  So, I will be starting the Jonah study at the ginormous church starting on September 13.  

I am not sure what else to say.  I need this right now, so I will share:    
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”~Joseph Campbell     Now, a better way to say it:  "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21  "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11