Jesus Came For The Broken

The season of healing continues for me.  Although pain and sadness has abounded through this season, I am confident that the work that He started in me is being strengthened and made better.  I know that He has purposed this season in my life for healing, growing and learning - making the circumstances what they are and opening my eyes to what was unseen and peeling layers that haven't seen light in years.

Just recently I can see how there is a specific desire and passion welling up in me as I learn more and more about Jesus.  Let me share.

Jesus came, He says in Luke 4:18, for this purpose:  'The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free'

Thanks to my friend, Sean Glaze, for this beautiful picture!

Psalm 34:18 says, 'The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.'

In the Beatitudes in Matthew 5:4, Jesus taught, 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.'  A promise.

Psalm 56:8 says, 'You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.'  I have always hated crying, but He hurts with me and must think that my tears are important and significant enough to save.

Matthew 9:11-12, 'When the Pharisees saw this, they said to His disciples, "Why is your Teacher eating with the tax collectors and sinners?" But when Jesus heard this, He said, "It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick."'   - Jesus chose to hang out with those who were sinners, who were choosing a lifestyle that wasn't godly, who were mourning and weeping, who were broken and hurting.  He wasn't drawn to those who were pretending to have it all together and to already be righteous, like the Pharisees.  Those who could not humble themselves enough to admit their weakness missed out!!

So, over and over we're shown how much Jesus loved and comforted those who were a hot mess!!  I am taking extreme comfort in the fact that in my weakness, He is strong.  But I'm wrestling with this: If we are the hands and feet of Jesus - shouldn't we be doing what He did?  Shouldn't we be weeping with those who weep (Jesus wept)?  Shouldn't we be comforting those who are broken?  I realize that we do not live in the biblical times of weeping and wailing and tearing your clothes when you are sad, but I bet those people were healthier.  I bet that they grieved well.  I bet since emotions were shown when needed, others were not scared by it and knew a bit more how to comfort and encourage. Of course in these days, we need to have grace that not all understand what to do to help those who are hurting!  Some though, are gifted in mercy-showing and encouragement and prayer.  We live in a time where emotions have become 'bad.'  Why over the years has it become the norm to stuff and ignore and deny our emotions?

Many, many, many people are suffering silently and some are brave enough to show that they are a very blessed mess.  Whether they are trying to be perfect, trying to earn love, depressed, anxious, hurting physically, mourning a loss of relationship through death, divorce, a move, or an ended relationship, trying to be all to everyone, facing an addiction, being abused in some way or another or living through the consequences of bad choices - wow, I could go on and on and on.  People are hurting...badly...and most of us just push that emotion away and fill our time with more stuff, more serving, more things, better things...  I know.  But sometimes He allows us to break and that emotion that we thought was gone...well, it makes an untimely appearance.  He has said to me, 'Amy, you can't keep it up, always trying harder.  You are tired and weary and I have come to give you rest.  You are unwell and I am your Physician.  You are broken and I long to make you whole.'

I close my eyes and see the church filled with open arms to allow others to wail and tear their clothes in sadness...filled with those who are accepting and understanding when it takes years to heal and change ...who are comfortable around emotions of all kinds.  I'm seeing heaven I'm sure - Jesus, really.  But, as a friend recently said, "And if my Lord showed compassion for the lost and broken of the world, how much more should we not show that same love and compassion to our own who are suffering in silence.  You are not alone.  You will never be alone."  

Another small step of being more like Jesus.  It seems these new desires and passions are spurring me to explore opportunities to allow others to have a safe place to express their emotion and be accepted while doing so.  I trust that He will reveal more of what He wants me to do with this when the time is right, for now I'm resting in all I've learned.

The God of Every Story

He's the God of every story.  2013...I have friends who this year have lost a parent or a baby.  I have friends who have separated from their spouses.  I have friends who have gotten diagnoses that were unexpected.  Friends who have lost a job and their income.  Those are big things.  Hard things.  God is in the middle of those things...and He is carrying them - or He's available to carry them if they choose to let Him.

In a county outside of Charlotte on December 1st, a man, Marcus, was shot in the head when he arrived home while burglars were there.  His wife, pregnant with their first child, and family updated their facebook page, 'Praying for Marco,' with this on Friday after they had to make the decision to take him off of life support:  "Marcus burst into heaven at 12:52 p.m. Our loss is so painful, but we know this was gain for Marcus. Tears and grief are eased by the gentle hand of God, holding us, carrying us, wiping our tears. 'As for God, His way is perfect.'"  What a testimony to so many...He's the God of every story.

What about the friends who have a child who has left home for college or military, whose kids are rebelling, a parent in poor health, who have struggled with physical pain, who are trying to determine whether to go back to work or not, who have wrestled with anxiety or depression this year..  What about those who feel like there just isn't a way that ends are going to meet?  Every single thing we go through...we can trust Him.

At the beginning of the month, I was blessed to be able to go to a girl's night out that Renee Swope and Laura Story were at.  Laura sang a song that really made me think a lot.  "God of Every Story" has examples of real people woven through it. (click on the title to hear it)  It also talks about Laura's husband, Martin, and his brain tumor diagnosis seven years ago.  She sings, "You're the God of every story, You see each tear that falls.  We may not understand but one thing is certain.  You are faithful, You are faithful."  As she gives example after example and I sit and think over my friends and acquaintances and what they've faced this year alone.  What Jeff and I've faced this year.  I know for certain... "His ways are higher than we could ever comprehend.  When our world is shaking,  He holds us in the palm of His hand."  It is frustrating beyond belief sometimes that we don't have understanding of 'why' things that happen happen.  But faith is faith because we don't have all the answers!

This morning at church, Pastor Geoffrey taught out of Isaiah 7.  God sent Isaiah to tell Ahaz, who was scared because of the circumstances around him,  "‘Be careful, keep calm and don’t be afraid. Do not lose heart." (Isaiah 7:4)  And in 7:9 God says, "If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all."  God then says that He will send Ahaz a sign...verse 7:14 says, "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."  Immanuel means 'God with us.'  God has given each and every one of us a sign that He loves us and is with us - that He is the God of every one of our stories.  Jesus.  Because of Him, we have hope.  We can believe and trust that there is more.  More than this.  We have hope.  Even through the pain and the tears and hurts of this life...we have a hope - His name is Jesus...and in Him we have eternal life in community with the Creator of the universe and all other believers, in a place (heaven) where there will be no tears or pain or hurts.

If your story isn't going the way you thought it would...if you are scared or frustrated.  Ask Jesus to be with you.  Let Him know that you need Him, that you can't do this life without Him.  That you are sorry for trying to do it on your own.  And allow His power to enter in and guide you as your story in this life plays out and you draw nearer to eternity.  Celebrate the gift of Jesus, Immanuel, 'God with us' in your story.

Image courtesy of digidreamgrafix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You'll Come!

Seems like as of late, I carry around in my head a tune - it is a constant song in there...and it is typically a song that we sing praising the Lord at church the prior weekend.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  So, having a good, true, and lovely song stuck in my head is a good thing!  I just hope that my kids don't start singing "What Does The Fox Say" and mess my peaceful head up!

This week it is "You'll Come" by Hillsong.  This morning I sat down and looked at the lyrics closely and it was such a comfort and reminder to me in this season.

The first words in the song - "I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."  - Yup, need to work on this.  Still.  We seem to always need to be reminded to be patient and wait on the Lord's timing.  Why do we always try to do it ourselves.  We've got it.  We know best. Scoot over, because I'm in a bad spot and I want my way - NOW!

"We are not shaken, We are not moved, We wait upon you Lord."  - Again, I don't want to sound like things are bleak and hopeless, but the season that our family is in is not a pleasant one.  And as I look around and listen to prayer requests from our brothers and sisters, I see the pain and struggles that others are shouldering right now.  Wow.  This life is not fun sometimes, right?  As a friend reminded me gently yesterday, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:2, emphasis added).  One of these years I hope to get better at walking above our circumstances - to be like the tree that is rooted by a stream whose leaves never wither with drought. (Psalm 1:3).  I'm certain we will continue to have opportunities in the remaining years on earth to exercise this skill of being content in all circumstances and not letting the circumstances bring us down - and not being bitter or surprised when things aren't going smoothly.  He says we will pass through rivers and walk through fire, but He tells us plainly that we will not be hurt by the outside chaos around us (IF we have our eyes on Him and not on that chaos.)  Blink long.  Refocus.

This song talks a lot about waiting for the Lord - and I am relating it to our preset situation that we don't necessarily want to be in...BUT, I think that the overall message is we're waiting on His perfect timing for Jesus to come back and gather His sheep up.  "As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, Certain as the dawn appears, You'll Come."  "Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.  You'll come, you'll come."  -Ahh!  A begging to God to rain His Spirit down and overflow our parched hearts...again.  To be filled to overflowing, flooded.  Yes, please.  It makes it all better.  Like I said, man, this life is hard...for so many.  This song is so encouraging to me- so much hope...He is worth having our hope in and He will come!  We must have faith that He will respond to us (answer us) and fill us up while we are living life here - sometimes feeling as we're barely hanging on.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17)

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

So, while we are here.  Rejoice that we have a hope and an eternal glory!  Have faith.  He'll come.  This too shall pass.  Share the good news...there's something better than this...

"Chains be broken, Lives be healed, Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed."

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Ouch! Growing Pains!

God's been working on me these past few weeks.  It's always exciting to realize but sometimes it is a bit painful.  Just like when my little Evan wakes up grabbing his legs at night crying from the growth pains, I sometimes want to grab my heart and cry out!!  But it's necessary for his little bones to grow bigger and stronger and for my heart and spirit to grow more like Jesus.  Let's face it though, when it is pointed out to you glaringly that you are not doing what you should be doing, it hurts!

My 'aha' moment was two-fold over the past week.  Through the book I've been reading, "Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life" by Emily Freeman, God opened my eyes to see that I have a false sense of entitlement or 'right' to certain things.  It's been torturous to me for as long as I can remember to find out that I've let someone down, hurt someone, or that someone doesn't like me for some reason.  The thoughts surrounding any of these circumstances have driven me to some dark places in my past.  As I've learned about and accepted who I am in Christ - how HE loves me, accepts me, wants me, is proud of me - a lot of these circumstances that come up do not lead to obsession on my part.  But yet it still is something I struggle with and I still get a sick feeling and my heart skips a beat when I find out that someone has said something mean about me.  Why?

I have held myself to a standard that even Jesus did not attain on this earth.  Jesus was not liked by everyone.  I am realizing that I think I have a 'right' to these things:  a good reputation, to be accepted, to not hurt anyone or let anyone down, to be liked by everyone, to not have conflict.  Another way to look at it - I should be able to control these things.  I should be good enough to have these things.  Um, well, if I did not have the Holy Spirit living in me I might need to work so incredibly hard at these things.  But since I have Him I can release these burdens I've put on myself...  I am not a failure because I unintentionally hurt someone.

I do not need to run and hide back to my old way of life, much like Peter did after betraying Jesus.  Jesus will be standing on shore of my life every time I mess up ready to feed me - just like He was for Peter who felt like a failure and felt like he couldn't measure up.  Read this story about Peter in John 21.  "The Restoration of Peter"  I'd never really heard this story before and it was told to me twice this weekend.  Not by coincidence.  He wants me to relate to Peter I'm sure.  Peter denied Jesus (failed) three times.  Yes, on my own I can not attain 'like Jesus' status.  I can not keep a good reputation or not hurt others or have everyone only have rosy things to say about me.  But, if I let go of these standards and surrender these things to Jesus, He can take care of it.  He can act through me.  I can be at rest.  I can say, 'it's okay' - and mean it - when something is said about me that's not positive.

Jesus also did not live here on this earth without saying some hard stuff.  I imagine it even hurt some people. I know a lot of people didn't want to hear some of what He said and went the opposite direction.  But He didn't wring his hands and obsess about those who didn't accept Him.  He had a job to do and He could not lose focus!

God is revealing to me how saying the hard stuff will get me further in relationships than ignoring it or skirting around it.  And by further I mean either a stronger, healthier relationship or the assurance that I was honest even if the relationship is wounded.  I avoid confrontation like the plague...I always have - because IF I say 'that' to them (even in love) I may lose a friendship or hurt them deeply.  There is my perceived control and my self-made standard that everyone needs to like me.  I do have a few spiritually mature friends who are close enough that I don't have a problem saying the hard stuff - even if I shake uncontrollably the whole time.  But in three weeks time God has shown me in three separate situations that my lack of trusting God, my fear of man and my perceived 'rights' to a good reputation, not hurting anyone, and everyone liking me has damaged some relationships. If I would have been honest and said some things that may have stung instead of worrying so much about how to actually do it without hurting her, maybe things would have ended differently.  If I would have said 'Is something bothering you?  Things don't seem to be moving on the way I'd hoped and I think I may be hurting you?'  instead of just remaining quiet and letting the relationship fizzle things may be different now.  If I would have communicated the things that were bothering me instead of just retreating silently, maybe I wouldn't have been unfriended, on the receiving end of the silent treatment, and things would be different.  Ouch.

He so clearly opened my eyes this weekend and told me - 'Amy, if you are going to claim to be the transparent, open, and honest individual that you are, then you have got to be these things when it is uncomfortable and the threat of hurting someone with honesty is there.  You've got to be honest and transparent in all circumstances, not just the easier ones. You've got to let go of control and your idea that you must be liked by all.'   Agh!  Ouch!  Again, fear of man, has tripped me up - and He is teaching me even more facets of how it affects things.  And in two areas that I am most passionate about and want others to 'get':  who we are in Christ and how the world longs for real/transparent/honest people.  God taught me an important lesson in these last few weeks.  Yes, it hurt.  I hate that I didn't realize I was being that way - especially since it hits home in the two areas I'm most passionate about.  But - I am not perfect (another 'right' I apparently need to let go of!)  But praise Him that He gently showed me the truth and is refining me and preparing me for the future!

Image courtesy of  adamr / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Left Out Puzzle Piece, An Alien? Nope...a Woman

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit?  Am I the only one?  I'm like a puzzle piece in several boxes of puzzle pieces and I seem like all the other pieces - I hang out with them and enjoy them.  But when it comes down to it...I'm not one of the pieces of the puzzle.  Like, the puzzle can be put together without me.  If I was lost out of the box - no one would look for me.  Ok, so that sounds pretty bleak, huh?  I can't help but feel a little sad lately.  Overall I think I'm happy.  I feel blessed here.  It is just a new experience - moving away.  We are coming up on being here for two years.  In the past two years I have gone above and beyond 'getting involved' and making new friends.  And I've met a lot of people, had a lot of fun and made a few good friends.  I guess I assume that two years after moving you are settled in perfectly. I just don't think I am.  I still just can't shake the feelings of loneliness that overcome me every now and then.  I feel frustrated too, that I just don't feel a part of the things I'm involved in.  I literally feel like I could stop doing what I do all the time and no one would notice.   Bleak, huh?  Yeah, I know.

God has been encouraging me over the past week as I've been pondering this (even though I've spent the majority of the week moping).  Being patient would be to my benefit - no big surprise here.  Longing for what I don't have is not going to make things better.  Thanking Him for the gifts He has given me - my husband, my kids, my friends - new and old, and my relationship with Him.  Falling at His feet and repenting for my unhappiness with what I don't have.  Praying over what He is wanting for me, what He is leading me to.  The fact that I have not connected deeply in many of the things that I've been involved in and with the people I've spent time with, requires me to take a look at what I should be doing with my time.  Relationships are important.  We were created for them.  I pray that He brings me deep godly connections in my life and that I would shift my need for those to a more healthier thinking -- I do not NEED people (for my purposes), but I want to LOVE them (for God's purposes).

I am encouraged as I read the first chapters of  "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge this morning.  Man and woman were made in God's image.  As women, we long for relationship, to be wanted, needed, chosen...to belong.  God does too - we were made in His image.  He wants these things too!  Mr. Eldridge says, "This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired."  I was just simply amazed by this...and am somewhat relieved to know that it is 'okay' to desire relationships/to want to belong so much - that it isn't a weakness or insecurity.  It's how God made me and every woman.

I am reminded today that as badly as I want those things...God wants them, too.  When is the last time I showed Him the amount of attention that I'd like shown to me?   And when is the last time that I sought after Him fiercely?  "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

I also am reminded that I do belong.  I may feel like an alien and have a natural hurt inside because I'm lonely.  But...my citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and when the Lord comes back for us, I will belong completely and my heart will be whole.

Image courtesy of Anusorn P Nachol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Our Daily Bread

I have enjoyed this past week opening up the windows and sleeping with them open, listening to the sounds of nature and the fountain on the pond.  The cool breeze coming in and blowing the curtains gently - so peaceful.  I worked on my craft room this week, making it more of a cozy place and enjoyed sitting in front of the window at my desk and creating some.

Dwelling on Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

These are the very first verses that made sense to me and brought me comfort 15ish years ago when Jeff took me to church with him. I ripped it out of the bulletin in the old sanctuary at CFC that day and took it back to college with me, pinning it on my bulletin board.  This passage was tucked into Pastor Kevin's message yesterday at church and was the 'one thing' I needed to hear - making sense and bringing me comfort again.  I need to dwell here this week. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  To trust means to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something/someone.  What do I truly trust in with all my heart - without abandon - childlike - completely - with my full being/passion/everything I am?  That's a pretty big claim - "with all my heart."  Not just most of my heart - but all of it.  Do I believe in the reliability, truth, ability and strength of the Lord with all my heart?  Do I believe wholeheartedly He is who He says He is?

Lean not on your own understanding.  The understanding I have right now is definitely not firm enough to be leaned on - it would be like leaning on something that you quickly realize is on wheels, falling awkwardly (then looking around to see if anyone saw that!)  But, if I leaned on God - He is a rock and a firm foundation, not to be shaken or moved.  Psalm 18:2 says, "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."  I like to plan and I like to control.  I take what I know (or think I do) and I try to find a solution - the best solution. One problem is my own understanding is not complete!  I know only fraction of what is going on and why.  Yet I obsess over what I do know or imagine I know or think I know and work myself into a tizzy trying to manipulate the universe into lining up perfectly so that each part of the puzzle falls just right and THEN and only then I will be content and happy and all will be well in my world.  Whew! Just reading that sentence exhausts me...no wonder every few weeks or so I hit a wall and cry out to God saying "I can't do this anymore, please help us!"  That's a lot of energy spent spinning my wheels on things that I won't succeed at.  Why am I looking at things and saying "I know what needs to happen here?"  We've been taught to be problem-solvers, leaders, and planners. But, my understanding is not His understanding.  They are not equal, not the same. Isaiah 55:8 says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.

In all your ways submit to Him. All my ways would include everything I do, hence 'all.'  My ways = my physical actions, my thoughts, my speech, my interactions with others, my desires and wants...  To submit means to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person - or in our case, God.  Do I, in all my ways, accept, bow down, and step aside to allow God to be in control - in the driver's seat?

And He will make your paths straight.  The first three points have been the IF and now this is the THEN.  IF I do this, this, and this, THEN He will do this.  It is a promise - it doesn't say He might, it says He will.  I picture 'making my paths straight' as a clear understanding of what to do, where to go, and where He wants me.  No confusion and lots of clarity. (Sunny clear skies and a working GPS.)  Straight roads are easier to drive than curvy ones (I know from experience since we have a lot of mountain curves on our trip to Indiana.)  They also get you where you are going faster than roads with lots of bends do.  When we do not trust in Him but trust instead in what we think we understand and we do not let Him be in control, I imagine our paths are foggy, curvy, hard to navigate, dark, stormy, with lots of detours, pit stops, standstills, and accidents.  (And isn't it annoying when you are on a long trip and you come to one of these?)  It does not, however, mean that our drive will be perfect.  We may have some of these hardships along the way, but with our trust in Him and not in ourselves with Him in the driver's seat then we are not thrown off course, but prepared, ready, and able to handle what comes into our path.  We throw our hands up and say, "I don't understand, and that is okay.  I trust you with every ounce of my soul.  Your plan is perfect and You will work everything out for my good.  I yield to Your plan in my actions, thoughts, interactions, and wants.  I know that You will bring me clarity as to what to do, where to go, and where you want me!  Now allow me to enjoy the beauty of the drive since You've got it under control!"

A Desert...(not a dessert sadly!)

I wanted to write two days ago.  I started writing 3 or 4 different times.  It just didn't feel right. The majority of my blogs since last August have shown how much I have clung to God and how much my relationship with Him has grown - not that that is why I started my blog or what it has to be about.  It just sort of happened that way.  What a journey spiritually I've been on.  You see, I could not have survived this move without Him.  Anyone who knew me five years ago - even a year ago - would have said "no, she'd never be able to move away from everything she knows."  And they are correct!  I could not - but with Him I could!  While I thought for sure that when we moved last August I was going to be in a depressed and dark place - He took me to a mountain top spiritually - allowing me to cling to Him and experience relationship with Him like never before...and growing my faith tremendously.

But now...we are settled.  The 'time of change' the 'challenging experience' is pretty much over.  Things seem normal.  And now...I am in a valley spiritually.  A desert.  I wish I could say I don't know why.  Any relationship that I don't spend any time with at all is bound to suffer.  So, being the awesome, forgiving, and patient God that He is - He is still right there even though I've not had time for Him.  So I cry out.  Several times over the past few weeks.  Yet, silence.  I know He is there.  I just have not been in constant communion with Him like I was when I felt like I needed Him to survive.  I guess it is humanness to not cling to Him like you are dying when everything is going well and normal and comfortable...  I need Him in order to survive every day though - not just during 'challenging experiences.'  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't enjoy times of change and hardship - but wow...the comfort I had in Him was like nothing else.  And now that I've been there...I miss it.

Instead of blogging two days ago I read this devotion on Psalm 63, When God Feels Far Away.  Here is a portion of it:

It begins with permission to declare the desert:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

It begins with a statement of the present reality. But then it moves to a memory:

I have seen you in the
sanctuary

and beheld your power
and your glory.

The Psalmist remembers who God has been, the times that were rich and vibrant and emotionally satisfying. And once he remembers who God is, even if he can’t feel God now, the Psalmist can move forward and praise:

Because your love is
better than life,

my lips will glorify
you.

 Ah...perfect.  

The effects of not spending time with Him don't just end with me not feeling close to Him and missing Him...my whole life is affected!  My last few blogs are evidence.  I have struggled with comparisons, jealousy, depression, anger, a judging spirit, and a need to please man and earn their acceptance.  I've felt confused as to what He wants me to be doing.  I've tried to make my loneliness (from not being with Him) better by eating, shopping, praise from others, busyness, and being a 'part' of things.  This seems like the theme of Ecclesiastes...I've mentioned this before.  Solomon tried to put so many things in that God-sized hole in his heart and none of them worked. 

I confess that I didn't want to blog two days ago, because others in my life seem like they are walking so closely to Him and I am ashamed that I am not.  But, it is normal for all of us to have mountains and valleys and He knows what is best for me.  So, I will put that ungodly comparison out of my mind, mind my own business, and move on.  He is not done with me yet.  He still seems quiet as I start to call out to Him again, but "because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you!"


KISSEL UPDATES:

Emily and Mrs. Plyler

Evan and Mrs. Gordon

Emily and Evan are enjoying their last day of school today!  I will have a fifth grader and a second grader in a few hours...which I can hardly believe.  There are some new families who have moved in across the pond from us and they have kids Emily and Evan's ages - they are thrilled to have some new friends close by!  Emily received an award for being on the honor roll every grading period and she has gotten perfect attendance this year. She competed on the Knowledge Bowl at school, too.  Evan's teacher has kept him in the top of the reading groups in his class this year and seems to have a knack for spelling like his Dad.  I'm so proud of them.  They both have had great experiences this year, as have I, and we have been blessed at this school! 

I agreed to coordinate a Welcome Wagon for our school's new families for next year.  Since it is definitely a passion of mine to connect people to other people for support and encouragement - this fits in perfectly.  As I thought about it I remembered the Ministry to New Mothers theme verse 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  Obviously being in a school it isn't a Christian based group or anything, but my desire for doing this stems from the comfort I received so I can comfort others since I've been there...just like it was for the ministry to moms.  A group of us (10 moms were excited about this!) will be writing up a booklet for new parents this summer.  

Jeff and I celebrated 14 years of marriage on Wednesday. We didn't do anything special...but we did do a lot of reminiscing.  I am so thankful that as we have changed, grown, matured, endured stuff, made mistakes, celebrated, hurt - we have become even closer. The saying is true - "I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." Jeff is truly a gift to me...every day.

We are looking very forward to some fun summer weeks ahead, spending time with old friends and new ones!

Apart From Him I Can Do Nothing

We spent Easter with Jeff's parents visiting us.  Tony and Sue came down and joined us for a meal.  We even made some cheesy grits to go with our feast to make it truly southern!  The kids are on spring break now and I feel like I have caught up on a bunch around here.  The Silent Auction is coming along nicely.  I need to plan Evan's Mario Brother's birthday party that will be in about 3 weeks.  And I am looking forward to meeting back with my Bible Study on Monday after having the past two weeks off.

I have a nagging unhappy feeling that I can not accomplish two things that seem important to me right now.  I want to lose 5 pounds and I want to get up every morning and have God time before anyone else is up.  Why can I not accomplish either of these things? 

Romans 7:15-24  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.      So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

I know exactly what I need to do to get these 5 extra pounds off before they multiply into more - I even think about it while I shove the extra bites of chips and chocolate in.  I know exactly what I need to do to get up out of bed in the morning so I can have the quiet time with God before anyone else gets up - I even think about it while I hit snooze for the fifth time.  And while the comfort of the food and extra sleep feel good at that minute (even with the voice in my head saying - 'why are you doing this - this is not what you want to do') that next minute and few hours feels miserable for failing again.  Why do I do what I do not want to do?  Because evil is right there with me.  Satan has found a way to get to me that happens to work right now.  I also know that I am choosing comfort right now in these things over comfort in time with Him - that is sad.  And I sure am putting forth my best effort and my willpower.  But I will never win the war with my own strength.  This I know.  So, today, I am claiming John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" and Zechariah 4:6 NKJV "Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the LORD of hosts."

My Bible Study is on "Discovering God's Will For Your Life," and the lesson that I worked on today was about planning to do His will.  I spend a lot of time planning for things in my life.  I plan my whole day, weeks, months - my calendar is my life - I would literally be lost without it.  I feel in control (somewhat) with it.  How much time do I spend planning to do His Will?  I spend a lot of time organizing my time, planning it all out, keeping the family schedule straight - what activity is scheduled at what time and where.  The "Jesus Calling" devotion for April 1st said this:  "Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask my Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me."   Ouch!  Our Bible Study this week reminds me that planning for quiet times, healthy food choices, meals, exercise - all are part of God's will for my life.  But I need to also remember that I can not do any of this apart from Him.  My relationship with Him lately has been somewhat stale.  If I gave any earthly relationship this little attention it would definitely waiver.  Thankfully He is a God who does not waiver and is still right there waiting for me and forgiving me of my lack of effort.  His Spirit wants to help me do better.  He wants me to cling to Him and let Him do some of the planning - follow His lead and release finger by finger that tight grip I have on my time, my schedule, my calendar, my plans.

Impeccable Timing and Two Revelations

Have you ever just praised God for the timing of the perfect encouragement that He sent to you?

I had a rough weekend.  I was really missing our friends - especially those who we got together with as a family.  It is awesome to have friends that you can just call up and say "hey, want to hang out tonight" and not go to the trouble to clean the house up or make a perfect meal or worry when your kid is being mean and icky to their kids.  You can be yourself completely and sprawl out on the couch while you are visiting.  :)  Man, I miss them!!  Tears come still today thinking about it!  I am still mourning this loss.  As Kendra reminded me yesterday - I've had many losses, I have to work through the grief of each of them.  I keep thinking I'm done.  LOL!  I am so grateful that God is blessing me with lots of friends here - there are so many potential wonderful girlfriends here!  I am excited when I see that and He keeps introducing me to such amazing women.  But, I have only known them for short times - so that level of comfort is not there yet completely - but gosh, it is definitely getting there - I feel blessed today. Although this weekend my outlook on life just was very blah (for lack of better words.)
 

I got a note/package in the mail on Monday from my sister-in-law, Jenny.  She sent me something a friend of hers makes - a little bottle that has tiny tear shaped beads in it with the verse Psalm 56:8 on it.  The attached card says "The tears in a bottle remind us that God knows our every sorrow.  We all know or have known sorrow.  God promises that we are never alone and that He will wipe away every tear.  Revelation 21:4"   Jenny wrote me the most encouraging note to go along with it.  She reminded me Matthew 11:28-30 says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Also 2 Corinthians 12:10 which says, "That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."    I of course, shed some more tears for His bottle.  I happen to love the verses about Him bottling our tears!  I was so in awe of His impeccable timing of when I needed this encouragement.  She lives away from home as well and understands  a lot of my struggles.  I wrote her an email and thanked her for her encouragement.  Her email back to me this morning that I read reminded me of a few things:  He is always there to pick me back up.  I am never alone even if I feel that way.  He uses these hard times for good.  Just to name a few.  So thankful for my 'sister' this morning!  So, then, I turn on the radio like I always do when I'm getting ready.  A song by Mandisa called 'Stronger' is on.  (Click on the words and just listen to it!)  I was singing along since I've heard the song a billion times and all of a sudden I heard the words.  More words 'just like' the ones from Jenny.  It was super cool.  Thanks God! 

So, I've had two revelations over the past two days.  First one was yesterday while I was enjoying the awesome weather and sunshine and doing some yard work. I of course have been thanking God for the beautiful weather this winter.  But, it is not typical here evidently for it to be THIS warm during the winter (I can always hope that this is the new typical though).  I know Indiana is having a very mild winter, as well.  I was struck how grateful Jeff and I need to be that it is mild because it costs a lot less to heat our two homes!!  So, praise God!   Second one this morning - if I can boast and brag and share about God's impeccable timing to encourage me at JUST THE RIGHT TIME...why would I not trust Him with the timing of everything else that goes on in my life?  Just sayin'!  Something for me to meditate on today.

My Understanding vs. His Plan

Proverbs 3:5-6 
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

These were the first verses that made sense to me after I was saved 15 years ago.  The first ones that I tore out of a bulletin at CFC and took back to college with me and pinned up on my bulletin board.  I think it comforted me to know it was safe to trust Him and that I shouldn't trust myself and my ideas over Him.  But, it has continued to be one of my favorite passages - it always, always seems to apply.

The devotion out of Jesus Calling for January 27th (I was off a day this morning - oops!):

Trust is a golden pathway to heaven.  When you walk on this path you live above your circumstances.  My glorious Light shines more brightly on those who follow this path of Life.  Dare to walk on the high road with Me, for it is the most direct route to heaven.  The low road is circuitous:  twisting and turning in agonizing knots.  There the air hangs heavy, and dark, ominous clouds predominate.  Relying on your own understanding will weigh you down.  Trust in Me absolutely, and I will make your path straight.

This week I continue to struggle with anxiety over the timing of the house sale.  Shocker, huh?  Ha ha ha...believe me, I wish I could get past this!  The devotion above described how I've been - twisting and turning in agonizing knots - heavy air - dark clouds - weighed down.  And why?  Because I am leaning on my OWN understanding.  MY understanding says - life will be better if we don't have two house payments.  But, I am not trusting Him with all my heart.  I do at times.  I want to all of the time.  But it is a constant and conscious submission that I have to exercise.  I used to think that I was weak when I had to give Him things over and over, but now I know that this is a part of life.  And, as I continue to turn things over to Him and exercise my faith and trust Him with all of my heart - habits are formed and I get better at it...  I'm getting there - so thankful for continued reminders, teachings, and rebukes that He sends my way through songs, devotions, somethings someone says, a sweet message, etc.  He is so patient with us...and so caring.

Lord, help me to walk with You above my circumstances as I completely trust You with all of my heart.  Let me not think about and dwell on what 'makes sense' to me.  Help me to submit fully to You - You have control - it is better that way - because your plans for me are good.  I have been complaining that I can't fully enjoy it here because our house hasn't sold - that is a lie because I can do all things in You.  You can allow me to enjoy life to the fullest now - not later after things are 'better' but NOW.  Forgive me for pouting, for wanting my way - and thinking that my way makes more sense.  Lord help me to rest in Your plan, Your perfect plan.  I want to enjoy the straight path that You make for me - no more twisting, knotted path that I make for myself.  Please help me to draw from the strength that You have placed in me and to trust in You completely.  Thank You that You are so patient and caring with me.  Amen.

Some Things We Know

We had a very fun week with Judy here!  Some highlights of this week:  Stepping in mud and getting paint on us while showing Judy and Sue our house Tuesday.  Some awesome slaw at a restaurant.  Watching fast cars go fast at the Bojangles Pole Night for the big NASCAR race at the Charlotte Motor Speedway (and enjoying it!)  Both of the kids getting straight A's on their first report cards!  Bead shops, Quilting shops, Antique shops, Fabric shops, Yarn shops, and Consignment shops in Davidson, Concord, Kannapolis, Huntersville, Mooresville, Stallings, and Monroe!  (Don't worry, I barely bought anything!)  Eating at a Mexican restaurant who had their doors open since it was so nice out and being startled by the bird flying around above our heads.  Me receiving an early Christmas present - my first sewing machine!!! Which I am SO excited about!  Trying shrimp and grits and loving it.  Emily learning how to crochet a bit.  Sue, Judy, and I being so in to shopping and eating that we had to call Jeff away from work to go pick up the kids from school because we weren't going to make it there in time. Oops!

Our house is coming along awesomely...is that a word?  Jeff and I and the kids stopped by this afternoon and walked through it.  They have trim up, cabinets in, tile in, counter tops on, some appliances in, light fixtures up, toilets in.  The outside looks almost complete.  It rained for a few days this past week so the yard did not get worked on, but the stone is done, gutters on, sidewalks and driveway poured.  It looks so neat.  It is really exciting.  I never ever ever dreamed that we'd be doing this right now.  It just goes to show how unpredictable life is.  Not always are the changes good...sometimes they are bad, but sometimes the good comes with a lot of hard....  Some things we KNOW about this change in our lives:

• We have been blessed beyond measure straight from God.  James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.   

• Yet we are hurting and are mourning a loss.  John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

• He comforts us!  Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

• And He gives us strength through His Spirit and through others who have done this before. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.  2 Corinthians 1:3-4  Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. Who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. 

• And He prepared us for this already.  Ephesians 2:10 For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Thank you Lord~

Thank you for Jeff's promotion - for the recognition in the workplace that he has received.  Thank you for providing a warm, safe, and loving environment for us to stay while our house is being built.  Thank you for a new beautiful house!  We realize that these are straight from You!  Thank you for loving on us when we are sad and allowing us to mourn, but then allowing us to tap into that Strength who lives in us.  Thank you for surrounding us with encouragement from so many and especially those who have been comforted by You before and are able to comfort us with the comfort You gave them.  Thank you for preparing us for this - for shaping us into the people that You wanted and needed us to be in order to give us these blessings and be available for the next "good thing" You will have us do.

Not every blessing comes up all roses all the time.  God has promised that we will have trouble in this world - even amidst all the great things.  I am thankful that while we are enjoying our blessings and praising Him for them, we can also call on Him for comfort since this blessing is causing pain, too!  Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers!

"Blessings" by Laura Story - Click here to listen to a great song to go with my thoughts tonight!