Rich or Poor, God I Want You More

I absolutely love it when God speaks to me through every sermon, lesson, song, scripture, cute facebook captioned picture, and so on -- all having the same message!  He knows it takes that much for me to slow down, quiet down and see what He's trying to tell me.  I'm so thankful, however, that He doesn't give up on me, because what He's telling me right now is not something new... He's told me this same thing over and over.  I often wonder why Jeff and I have to tell our kids every single day to hang up their towels and put their dirty clothes in the hamper, but other things we tell them once and they remember, obey and do it??  But, we don't disown them or give up on them because of it...although at times it irritates me to no end.  God doesn't give up on me even though He's having to remind me of the same things yet again.

My women's bible study group is doing Beth Moore's study on Daniel right now.  I've learned a lot about Babylonia and how it was a me-centered society with a lot of glitz and glitter and must-haves.  Sounds a lot like today, huh?  Yup.  One of the last times my parents visited us they said something that included 'you guys live in a very rich area.'  Just stating a fact in a passing statement.  But, I honestly hadn't looked at it that way.  Now, I'm not saying this to brag so stick with me!  I wondered at times since we've been here how we exactly 'fit in' in this area - we aren't rich!  (With money anyway)  As I look back I know I've always struggled with jealousy...it always has looked better 'over there.'  And, now I'm saturated in it.  As I drive to the store I pass house after house that I would have considered mansions a few years ago.  I look at their perfect manicured lawn and pine needle garden, all brick home and sigh.  I walk into the grocery and notice her name brand clothes and purse.  I hear about the private lessons this son or daughter is taking and the third vacation of the year at the beach house.  I try in my own strength to be okay with that and accepting of the place we are in.  Because oh my goodness, how we are blessed!!!  We are SO blessed.  The truth is, there will always be someone who has more.  But to be perfectly content...it takes more than my own strength.  It takes the Spirit's - He's inside me and He is my Helper and wants me to rise above any circumstance I'm in - taking my eyes off of my surroundings and keeping them focused on the One who blesses.  

In the book, "Let. It. Go.: How to Stop Running the Show and Start Walking in Faith" by Karen Ehman, which I just read for our book group, Karen says this:   "No two ways about it.  True godly contentment is unavailable in microwave form; it needs to be patiently and purposefully cultivated.  We must cease making comparisons and instead embrace our current lot in life - our past, present, and future - welcoming all that God will teach us through it.  Only then we will discover the secret Paul knew -- that true contentment isn't merely having what we want; it's wanting nothing more than what we already have."

Last night a friend from cold snowy Michigan posted this on facebook: 

Sitting on the beach, enjoying it all. Thinking "Gosh, if only we lived here."
Chatting with a local who visited an area of snow. She said "my poor children. I feel like they are missing out on life."
Reality is....we must choose to be happy wherever we are. Or the grass will always seem greener ( or the snow. Or the sand....)

There's some wisdom there, huh?

Today my devotion was centered on the parables that Jesus taught in Matthew 13.  Verse 22 is Jesus telling us what He meant in verse 7 about the seeds that fell among thorns that choked them.  He says, "As for what was sown among thorns, this is the one who hears the word, but the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it proves unfruitful."  I, of course, have never noticed this and know it was saved for me for this moment this morning.  I hear the word of God but I also care about the world and what is in it and what I have or don't have.  Riches are deceitful - you think they will bring you happiness, but it doesn't last and so then you move on to your next purchase or want.  And worst of all...I'm unfruitful, unable to be used by God, while I'm tangled up in this longing, chasing of happiness through the world.  

Sunday we sang a song at church called "All We Need" by Charlie Hall.   Wow, thank you Lord.  I will declare moment by moment this prayer...it is a daily, conscious choice to be content, keeping You at the center of my focus and desire.  Thank You for all of these little whispers from You lately....

Rich or poor

Rich or poor God I want You more

Than anything that glitters in this world

Be my all, all consuming fire

You can have it all

You can have all my hands can hold

My heart, mind, strength and soul

Be my all, all consuming fire

Because we have all we need in You

And all we need is You

All we need is You

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The God of Every Story

He's the God of every story.  2013...I have friends who this year have lost a parent or a baby.  I have friends who have separated from their spouses.  I have friends who have gotten diagnoses that were unexpected.  Friends who have lost a job and their income.  Those are big things.  Hard things.  God is in the middle of those things...and He is carrying them - or He's available to carry them if they choose to let Him.

In a county outside of Charlotte on December 1st, a man, Marcus, was shot in the head when he arrived home while burglars were there.  His wife, pregnant with their first child, and family updated their facebook page, 'Praying for Marco,' with this on Friday after they had to make the decision to take him off of life support:  "Marcus burst into heaven at 12:52 p.m. Our loss is so painful, but we know this was gain for Marcus. Tears and grief are eased by the gentle hand of God, holding us, carrying us, wiping our tears. 'As for God, His way is perfect.'"  What a testimony to so many...He's the God of every story.

What about the friends who have a child who has left home for college or military, whose kids are rebelling, a parent in poor health, who have struggled with physical pain, who are trying to determine whether to go back to work or not, who have wrestled with anxiety or depression this year..  What about those who feel like there just isn't a way that ends are going to meet?  Every single thing we go through...we can trust Him.

At the beginning of the month, I was blessed to be able to go to a girl's night out that Renee Swope and Laura Story were at.  Laura sang a song that really made me think a lot.  "God of Every Story" has examples of real people woven through it. (click on the title to hear it)  It also talks about Laura's husband, Martin, and his brain tumor diagnosis seven years ago.  She sings, "You're the God of every story, You see each tear that falls.  We may not understand but one thing is certain.  You are faithful, You are faithful."  As she gives example after example and I sit and think over my friends and acquaintances and what they've faced this year alone.  What Jeff and I've faced this year.  I know for certain... "His ways are higher than we could ever comprehend.  When our world is shaking,  He holds us in the palm of His hand."  It is frustrating beyond belief sometimes that we don't have understanding of 'why' things that happen happen.  But faith is faith because we don't have all the answers!

This morning at church, Pastor Geoffrey taught out of Isaiah 7.  God sent Isaiah to tell Ahaz, who was scared because of the circumstances around him,  "‘Be careful, keep calm and don’t be afraid. Do not lose heart." (Isaiah 7:4)  And in 7:9 God says, "If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all."  God then says that He will send Ahaz a sign...verse 7:14 says, "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."  Immanuel means 'God with us.'  God has given each and every one of us a sign that He loves us and is with us - that He is the God of every one of our stories.  Jesus.  Because of Him, we have hope.  We can believe and trust that there is more.  More than this.  We have hope.  Even through the pain and the tears and hurts of this life...we have a hope - His name is Jesus...and in Him we have eternal life in community with the Creator of the universe and all other believers, in a place (heaven) where there will be no tears or pain or hurts.

If your story isn't going the way you thought it would...if you are scared or frustrated.  Ask Jesus to be with you.  Let Him know that you need Him, that you can't do this life without Him.  That you are sorry for trying to do it on your own.  And allow His power to enter in and guide you as your story in this life plays out and you draw nearer to eternity.  Celebrate the gift of Jesus, Immanuel, 'God with us' in your story.

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You'll Come!

Seems like as of late, I carry around in my head a tune - it is a constant song in there...and it is typically a song that we sing praising the Lord at church the prior weekend.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  So, having a good, true, and lovely song stuck in my head is a good thing!  I just hope that my kids don't start singing "What Does The Fox Say" and mess my peaceful head up!

This week it is "You'll Come" by Hillsong.  This morning I sat down and looked at the lyrics closely and it was such a comfort and reminder to me in this season.

The first words in the song - "I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."  - Yup, need to work on this.  Still.  We seem to always need to be reminded to be patient and wait on the Lord's timing.  Why do we always try to do it ourselves.  We've got it.  We know best. Scoot over, because I'm in a bad spot and I want my way - NOW!

"We are not shaken, We are not moved, We wait upon you Lord."  - Again, I don't want to sound like things are bleak and hopeless, but the season that our family is in is not a pleasant one.  And as I look around and listen to prayer requests from our brothers and sisters, I see the pain and struggles that others are shouldering right now.  Wow.  This life is not fun sometimes, right?  As a friend reminded me gently yesterday, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:2, emphasis added).  One of these years I hope to get better at walking above our circumstances - to be like the tree that is rooted by a stream whose leaves never wither with drought. (Psalm 1:3).  I'm certain we will continue to have opportunities in the remaining years on earth to exercise this skill of being content in all circumstances and not letting the circumstances bring us down - and not being bitter or surprised when things aren't going smoothly.  He says we will pass through rivers and walk through fire, but He tells us plainly that we will not be hurt by the outside chaos around us (IF we have our eyes on Him and not on that chaos.)  Blink long.  Refocus.

This song talks a lot about waiting for the Lord - and I am relating it to our preset situation that we don't necessarily want to be in...BUT, I think that the overall message is we're waiting on His perfect timing for Jesus to come back and gather His sheep up.  "As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, Certain as the dawn appears, You'll Come."  "Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.  You'll come, you'll come."  -Ahh!  A begging to God to rain His Spirit down and overflow our parched hearts...again.  To be filled to overflowing, flooded.  Yes, please.  It makes it all better.  Like I said, man, this life is hard...for so many.  This song is so encouraging to me- so much hope...He is worth having our hope in and He will come!  We must have faith that He will respond to us (answer us) and fill us up while we are living life here - sometimes feeling as we're barely hanging on.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17)

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

So, while we are here.  Rejoice that we have a hope and an eternal glory!  Have faith.  He'll come.  This too shall pass.  Share the good news...there's something better than this...

"Chains be broken, Lives be healed, Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed."

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Primary Concern

I grabbed the book "After The Boxes Are Unpacked" off of my shelf again this weekend.  It's been almost two years, so I felt a little weird...but there was a chapter tucked away just for me still.  Chapter 11 'A Place in Your Heart Called Loneliness' was just what I needed.  How many times lately have I said I'm lonely?  Ugh.  I'm so tired of it.  This little nugget of advice is what I needed to read:

Don't try to fill up your life with people, things, or activities to escape from loneliness.  The emptiness you feel should first be filled by God; then He will bring the right people into your life to ease the loneliness. 

Similarly, my sweet sister-in-law just suggested a month or so ago that maybe God was wanting more of me.  More of my time.  I think she was onto something there!  

My sweet sister

Advice that would have been helpful two years ago probably.  Did I jump in too fast?  I was afraid of becoming lonely when we moved here so I did everything I could to get involved, filling my life with people and activities.  I did what I do best and took control and tried to make things work.  Some of those activities proved to not be the best for me and slowly I'm seeing bit by bit where I fit in.  It is definitely slow-going though.  And I have to guard against comparing how others have adjusted in less time.  Now that my life isn't as noisy, I can tell I'm missing something.  It's not ice cream, even though I've unfortunately tried to fill it with that!  I can't live my life being dissatisfied with my circumstances and where God has me and longing for what I don't have.  I must take this pain to my Father, who knows what it is like to be lonely, and make Him my all...and He promises to give me what I need.  Luke 12:31 promises, 'He will give you all you need from day to day if you make the Kingdom of God your primary concern.'  

Father, please help me to believe your promise in Luke.  Help me to make You and You alone my primary concern!!

A Left Out Puzzle Piece, An Alien? Nope...a Woman

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit?  Am I the only one?  I'm like a puzzle piece in several boxes of puzzle pieces and I seem like all the other pieces - I hang out with them and enjoy them.  But when it comes down to it...I'm not one of the pieces of the puzzle.  Like, the puzzle can be put together without me.  If I was lost out of the box - no one would look for me.  Ok, so that sounds pretty bleak, huh?  I can't help but feel a little sad lately.  Overall I think I'm happy.  I feel blessed here.  It is just a new experience - moving away.  We are coming up on being here for two years.  In the past two years I have gone above and beyond 'getting involved' and making new friends.  And I've met a lot of people, had a lot of fun and made a few good friends.  I guess I assume that two years after moving you are settled in perfectly. I just don't think I am.  I still just can't shake the feelings of loneliness that overcome me every now and then.  I feel frustrated too, that I just don't feel a part of the things I'm involved in.  I literally feel like I could stop doing what I do all the time and no one would notice.   Bleak, huh?  Yeah, I know.

God has been encouraging me over the past week as I've been pondering this (even though I've spent the majority of the week moping).  Being patient would be to my benefit - no big surprise here.  Longing for what I don't have is not going to make things better.  Thanking Him for the gifts He has given me - my husband, my kids, my friends - new and old, and my relationship with Him.  Falling at His feet and repenting for my unhappiness with what I don't have.  Praying over what He is wanting for me, what He is leading me to.  The fact that I have not connected deeply in many of the things that I've been involved in and with the people I've spent time with, requires me to take a look at what I should be doing with my time.  Relationships are important.  We were created for them.  I pray that He brings me deep godly connections in my life and that I would shift my need for those to a more healthier thinking -- I do not NEED people (for my purposes), but I want to LOVE them (for God's purposes).

I am encouraged as I read the first chapters of  "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge this morning.  Man and woman were made in God's image.  As women, we long for relationship, to be wanted, needed, chosen...to belong.  God does too - we were made in His image.  He wants these things too!  Mr. Eldridge says, "This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired."  I was just simply amazed by this...and am somewhat relieved to know that it is 'okay' to desire relationships/to want to belong so much - that it isn't a weakness or insecurity.  It's how God made me and every woman.

I am reminded today that as badly as I want those things...God wants them, too.  When is the last time I showed Him the amount of attention that I'd like shown to me?   And when is the last time that I sought after Him fiercely?  "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

I also am reminded that I do belong.  I may feel like an alien and have a natural hurt inside because I'm lonely.  But...my citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and when the Lord comes back for us, I will belong completely and my heart will be whole.

Image courtesy of Anusorn P Nachol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

In Good Times and In Bad

Winter's cold is chilling, while summer's sun brings warmth.  However, all sunshine and no rain make a desert.  Each season has a purpose.  "Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart" (Gal. 6:9)   (Taken from "Live Beautifully: A Study in the Books of Ruth and Esther" by Lenya Heitzig & Penny Rose)

A very beautiful, tiring weekend we had.  A flight to St. Louis to share in time spent with family, an intimate exchange of vows and a wonderful time of fellowship - meeting people who live life with Jason and Jenny.  I was overwhelmed with happiness for another person.

We don't want to be Ephraimites!

A few of you remember almost a year ago me asking for prayers for us to do what God wanted us to do.  (And if you have kept reading my blog for a year I am super impressed!! LOL)  Yes, it's been almost a year since we've been here in NC.  Unfortunately the loose ends still remain!! 

And so the saga continues... 

The renters/buyers of our home in Indiana can not follow-through.  We were hoping that maybe they just couldn't buy it and would be able to continue renting (since that was covering our mortgage payments) but they are moving out by Monday.  We did have a contract. We will be getting the house ready to go back on the market.  Any prayers would be appreciated!!  We need prayers that we will trust in His plan and fully rely on Him.  Doubt and worry keep creeping in.

I just read about the Ephraimites in the desert this morning and how they first ran off scared when the battle began - even though God had armed them with what they needed and had provided for them in the past. Then they saw a miracle of much needed water gushing from a rock that was struck, but it wasn't good enough and they asked for meat as well.

Psalm 78 ^9-16 The Ephraimites, armed to the teeth,
      ran off when the battle began.
   They were cowards to God's Covenant,
      refused to walk by his Word.
   They forgot what he had done—
      marvels he'd done right before their eyes.
   He performed miracles in plain sight of their parents
      in Egypt, out on the fields of Zoan.
   He split the Sea and they walked right through it;
      he piled the waters to the right and the left.
   He led them by day with a cloud,
      led them all the night long with a fiery torch.
   He split rocks in the wilderness,
      gave them all they could drink from underground springs;
   He made creeks flow out from sheer rock,
      and water pour out like a river.

 ^17-20 All they did was sin even more,
      rebel in the desert against the High God.
   They tried to get their own way with God,
      clamored for favors, for special attention.
   They whined like spoiled children,
      "Why can't God give us a decent meal in this desert?
   Sure, he struck the rock and the water flowed,
      creeks cascaded from the rock.
   But how about some fresh-baked bread?
      How about a nice cut of meat?"

I pray that we will not be like them - that we will remember His faithfulness, that we will not be scared, and that we will not demand more when He already provides for us what we need.  We are ready to trust Him and allow Him to lead us to the promised land in His way.  Please just pray that we can remain steadfast in Him as we face upcoming decisions and financial struggles.  Please pray for clarity.  I am in the process of having my nursing license transferred to NC so that I can search for work, but we have the kids to think of as well - so please just ask that we'd do the right thing and not just panic and do something we shouldn't in this regard.

Our crape myrtle bloomed yesterday.  God has used crape myrtles all throughout our journey to give us peace.

Jeff and I do know that God wanted us here.  If we were in Indiana he would have lost his job.  We have grown tremendously in our faith in the past year.  So, yes, this has drug on and on - the house thing has not gone particularly smoothly, but there IS a plan in this - and we don't have to know the why.  We are called to live not by explanations, but by faith.

It's a New Day!

Happy July!  I can't believe it is July already.  I can't believe that our journey began a year ago in July when Jeff got that phone call!  Wow.  I would not take any of this back.  People have been asking lately whether we feel settled?  Do you like it here?  Yes!  Jeff has felt more at home here than he ever did in our last home.  I feel at home here.  I am settled.  Yes, I like it here.  Is everything perfect and rosy all the time?  No.  In fact, the last few months have been dark for me.

I have spent the last few months feeling sorry for myself...about everything.  I have become someone I really don't like to be around.  I've written about it before, so I won't go into every detail.  I did, however, go into every detail this morning when I confessed it all to God and to Jeff and a friend so that they could pray for me.  I have found that I can not pray lately so I decided to write my prayer, because that I can do.  It worked well.  And because James 5:16  says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." - I confessed my ugliness to two people whom I trust the most to pray for me.  When sin is in the dark it is so powerful.  Bringing it into the light exposes it and the power that it has over you diminishes. 

The end of my prayer went like this:

Lord, I confess each and every one of these ugly sins that disappoint You and me both.  I know that you are a forgiving and loving God and for that I am thankful.  Thank you for forgiving me and please please please help me through this day and the next as I heal from this and move back to the place that I've been in before where these sins are not in charge, but You are.  As I have written my prayer out I know that I need to go back to the basics of relying totally on You for my fulfillment and joy.  Please help me to pour into my relationship with You over the next days.  Help me to take every thought captive and make it obedient to you.  Help me to pour into my family.  And please Lord, help me to see You and to feel loved by You.  Fill me with Your love so that I may overflow - I am receiving it right now.  Psalm 90:14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

I am so excited to report that after I prayed this morning that I felt such a burden lifted.  And I also felt like I should make a phone call and check on a friend who I thought might need it.  Which shouldn't have been a big deal.  But ever since we moved here I have become almost afraid to make that step of making a phone call.  I was reminded this morning by this friend though that I can not sit back and expect things to happen.  God wants us moving and we need to trust that He will lead us right.  We have to take that first step.  So, she was blessed that I noticed and checked on her and I was blessed by her wise words.  And, I could see an answer to prayer immediately - I asked that He would help me to see Him and feel loved by Him.  He sent His love.  It has been so long since I've felt that.  It's been there.  I've just been deadened to it.  I'm sure my sins have prevented me from seeing Him.  My eyes have been closed.  I pray that today is the beginning of my eyes being open again and this season of ugliness being over.  Please pray for me.

The Kissel Happenings

The kids on vacation

The adults on vacation

Evan and Patrick playing at the water park

Kendra and I enjoying a day of girl time in North Carolina!

We've had a pretty good start to the summer.  We enjoyed seeing some friends from Indiana, then we traveled to St. Augustine and enjoyed some time with friends from Washington.  The kids and I have joined the YMCA and have loved the outdoor water parks!  What a blessing to be able to go to a pool any day that we want to -we've never had that luxury before.  We are participating in the library reading program.  Even I have been able to read quite a bit - especially at the pool.  It's been nice.  I've read some really interesting books.  If anyone has read "Uncharted" by Angela Hunt - please let me know!!  I need to discuss this book with someone.  Want to know what you thought!!

Jeff and his group just had their most successful month at work.  Probably has a lot to do with him bribing them with promises of his cooking and baking for them!  He is adjusting to the longer commute to and from work, I think.  His office moved to a different location further from home a couple months ago. 

Jeff and I have agreed to co-lead our LifeGroup after one set of leaders left.  Our group is young and has been through a lot of changes over the last six months or so.  I love that we are leading with a couple originally from Henderson - so that is such a neat bond we have.  I do feel uncertain about this decision at times, but Jeff has really stepped up and is doing a great job with it so far.  My role might just need to be to coordinate and plan stuff - I can do that!  I do think our group is bound to do great things!

Same Title 21 Days Later...

So, twenty-one days ago I wrote the blog entitled 'Stop searching for more, Amy!'  I'm still looking...looking everywhere...for something to make me happier.  It is so dang stupid too!!  We are still on the book of Ecclesiastes in church - learning about how silly Solomon was to try everything he did to try to make himself happy.  And in our Bible Study we just studied a chapter on being content.  Am I learning anything? 

A week ago I realized I had begun being very envious of others.  Comparing my life to theirs is what I was doing - I wanted what they had or were getting.  Why can't I fit in here as well as she is fitting in there?  Why can't I do that to make myself look prettier?  Why can't my entire family participate in that event together?  Why can't my husband be as Godly as that husband appears to be?   Wow...really?  Yeah...  I know, pretty sad.  Hopefully I'm not the only one that has ever been stuck in this nasty cycle.

Envy and comparing ourselves to others just leads to discontent. 

Galatians 6:4  Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.

Romans 12:6 ... let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 ...make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands...

Hebrews 13:5  Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.

Father, forgive me for comparing myself to others and wishing I was different or had more.  I should be minding my own business and remembering that You provide me with all my 'needs' and You will never leave or forsake me.  Help me to be content in my circumstances.  I long for joy to return...for simplicity.  Lord, direct my paths and lead me in the ways You want for me.  Show me where to prune and where you want me to grow!

Life has been a complete whirlwind.  I don't think I was even this busy ever in Indiana.  And I'm not saying this in a good way!!  I have not enjoyed being this strung out...not at all.  It is NOT all it's cracked up to be, people!  And I won't be doing it again.  I felt so out of control.  I couldn't remember my address the other day when asked, I was 20 minutes late to a dentist appointment because I couldn't keep it straight, I ended up sick (big surprise, right?), it just is too much.  Maybe most people can do it...I can't.  Let me take that back - I can - but it is not worth the sacrifices I make in the other areas of my life.

Evan taking a swing during practice

Part of the cafeteria for the Silent Auction

Here's some of the latest.  Evan's baseball this season was really fun.  He had a really great coach - one who was more into making it fun for the boys and teaching them the basics than winning at all costs (which holy cow is it big time out here with baseball.!!!)  His last game was Sunday when they lost the third game in the tournament.  Emily's soccer this season was an awful experience for all of us.  Emily became so discouraged with the lack of direction from the coach, as well as his yelling approach.  Her last game was yesterday too, but after she left the field in tears on Saturday we decided that that was enough and did not attend the game yesterday.  The Spring Fling was Friday, as well as Evan's 8th birthday!  The day was long - was at school for over 14 hours on my feet working.  It was so fun to be a part of things though and to get to know so many other moms at the school.  The auction was a success raising around ten thousand dollars!  I love doing it, but will need so much more than just one other person helping next year in order for me to participate...I just was doing too much of it.  Bible Study has gone well.  Our last meeting was this morning.  None of us know what the fall holds as far as scheduling, so I am not sure that we will continue meeting or not.  I will be praying a lot about this, but I am not positive that I will continue.  Emily had her end of grade testing last week and did fantastic.  We are going to enjoy some girl time tomorrow evening and get our hair cut.  

Em looking cute in Jeff's hat

Went back to the doctor last Tuesday.  The ultrasound showed that the bigger cyst on my ovary is gone - which is what they thought would happen.  But...the smaller one that they thought was the endometrioma - it grew and got bigger.  Big enough to cause some pain - but not huge.  So...now...he said it will probably not go away - most likely will stay this size or continue growing.  So...he said we could go ahead with surgery or wait and see if I have any more issues.  I opted to wait and see.  Will go back in 4 months for another ultrasound unless I decide in the mean time that I can't handle the pain.  And of course, I haven't had any pain since about 2 weeks ago when it was so bad I was about to call.

Friday night we will be able to have some friends of ours stay with us overnight as they travel to South Carolina.  We are planning a big breakfast for Saturday morning and lots of catching up to do!  Tyrone and Lynette left Evansville around the time we did last summer and began their new adventures in Arkansas.

The kids have three weeks of school left.  We then will have Matthew and Kendra here with their family!!  And then we will be traveling to St. Augustine, Florida for vacation and meeting up with Scott and Jill and family!  We are so excited to be seeing our friends!  At some point this summer we plan to come to Indiana for a weekend and drop the kids off - my parents bringing them home in a week.  Jeff and I might just have to check out Charleston, SC for a few nights while we have the alone time. We are also joining the YMCA here - they have an outdoor pool/water park.  Our neighborhood eventually will have a pool but we have to have more houses built still, so not this summer!  I look forward to a lazy summer!!

Stop Searching for More, Amy!

 It is weird that almost anything that I'm asked to do or be a part of or anything I hear anyone else talking about being a part of I have a desire to join and do here.  I think it's just that longing/desire to be rooted here...to belong.  But yet I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities I already have!!  Why do I feel the need to do more?? Repeat after me!  Just say 'no' - it's ok...I'm not going to miss out on opportunities to meet people.  God is supplying the opportunities where I am at- where I am involved...  I don't have to go searching for them and chasing them down. 

So - last Wednesday I went to Coffee Buddies - a group that meets just socially from our church at a local coffee house. It was a fun time and some great conversation.  We also had a very fun potluck Sunday with our LifeGroup - the large group - everyone before we split.  It was a fun, fun time!  Bible study was fun Monday morning - I really feel close to these ladies already! Monday morning I also got to meet with the women's ministry leader and another women's LifeGroup leader - Stephanie.  Stephanie emailed afterwards and asked if I'd like to have lunch sometime.  And as I am writing I am realizing that I am involved in enough ways that I can stop searching for more in order to find a few more friends.  The opportunities are right in front of me.  They are all around.  I'm plugged in.  I am a part of things.  I just need to spend some time now (meaning I won't have it RIGHT NOW) and nurture what is developing.  Pastor Rob is preaching on the book of Ecclesiastes right now.  Solomon tried to get happiness every imaginable way...he searched for and got everything earthly he could imagine...yet he concluded that it was all vanity...all meaningless.  In the end he says, "fear God and keep His commandments." (Eccl 12:13)  It's that simple...nothing on this earth placed on the throne of my heart is going to make me happy.  Only God can.  Stop searching for more, Amy. 

Ready to leave for camp!

Sunday night after Emily had a great time at Girl Scout camp and we had a busy weekend, we decided to have a family night at home and get in bed early to prepare for another busy week.  Well, Jeff had a run in with an axe while splitting some wood for his fire pit.  His left thumb didn't make out so well.  We all got in the car and went to the urgent care then on to the ER for some stitches.  It's our first trip to the ER as a family - can you believe that?  Well, it took FOREVER since he wasn't dying - which I am thankful for!  LOL.  Cafeteria there was closed already, of course.  I did contact my friend Jennifer (her and her husband are our couples LifeGroup leaders - and both doctors) on the way to ask where to go.  I couldn't get a hold of her, but she called later and really wanted to come get our kids, but the doctor had finally come in, so it wasn't really necessary.  I also had a sweet neighbor, Jade, offer to drive up and come get the kids.  I did think several times how spoiled we had been all those years where we just call our parents up and have instant help.  It is hard in a new place to think - crap, where is the nearest hospital??  who can watch the kids??  We ended up home with a stitch and a peeled off nail and bandages - could have been so much worse, so very grateful.  Ate at 9, home by 9:30 and kids to bed going on 10.  And after talking about it afterwards, so many others say please call if anything ever comes up again.  We are already blessed and cared for.

But for some reason I am sad.  I'm so worn out, so stressed out.  I am having increased pain now and debating whether to hang on until May 15th for my next ultrasound of the cyst on my ovary or call in about it.  The reason to wait the two months was to see if it went away.  Well, I know it hasn't. I'm a little concerned with whether surgery is going to be the answer.  Between this and being busy I've got a lot on my mind and feel like I'm chasing my tail day after day. (Making jokes about Solomon a lot - 'this is all meaningless!' - maybe I should be saying that not joking!!)  I've also felt a little ill prepared for the parenting talks that have come up lately. I'm sure you never are prepared - or don't feel like you are.  I just desire with all my heart for Emily to not take some of the same paths that I did...  I remember some of her feelings all too well...and I don't want her to have them.  I want her to have her confidence in the Lord.  I need to be on my knees for her more as she is entering into this time of her life.  On another note - she has asked to be baptized!  Most likely will be toward the end of the summer at a service.  

So, I feel more positive after writing.  Ready to get going with the day and tackle it - being thankful for what I do have, allowing Him to lead me, praying for guidance, and placing Him on the throne of my heart where He belongs.

The Comparison Game - A New Twist...

I am having a hard time with comparisons.  For once I'm not comparing like this: "she is prettier, more athletic, more likeable, etc" but comparing what I did have with what I have (or don't have) now.  Someone asked me how my Bible Study was going and I answered, 'good.'  Evidently it was underwhelming.  Which - oh my, it is going good!!  After she questioned whether I actually meant my 'good' answer I realized that yes, it is going well, but I am comparing it to my old Bible Study in Evansville - a few years of meeting together and bonding AFTER we had already known each other and served together for years and years before that.  What is just beginning here is NEVER going to compare - so why try?  But be thankful for what I am a part of here.  God is blessing me with these Godly women each week!!

The friendships I'm forming here are NOT "Kendra-like" - and probably won't ever be because she and every other friend back home I'm missing is unique.  Kendra is more 'unique' than most - ha ha ha - you like that, Kendra?   I should not be trying to replace her!  Hello???!!!  Doesn't the girl scout song go: Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

The soccer team that Emily is on here is not as good as E-ville, don't work together as well, she's not learning...blah blah blah - you get the point.  Jeff and I have had the hardest time watching on the side-line and comparing almost everything going on (or not going on) with how wonderful the last team Emily was on in Evansville - the one that Jeff got to assistant coach with a buddy and the girls clicked, worked together well, and won every game except one.  We obviously miss it - anyone listening to us would find us quite obnoxious!  Emily even was upset after the past game, as she doesn't have friends on her team - 'like she did in Evansville.'

Our 11 years of living in Evansville, Jeff and I made friends with many 'transplants' - couples who moved to the area from another state.  We always loved getting to know people from other places and the friendships that developed out of it.  Some of our best friends!  What always irritated us though - the comparisons.  Usually though - it was more of the soccer-type comparisons.  "Back home _____ was absolutely top notch.  This type of crap would not be acceptable."  Which considering they were basically putting down Evansville - the place we lived our whole lives and loved - we really didn't like.   Yeah, well, now I understand...  I understand that there are things in the place you lived your whole life that you just like better.  And there are people you don't want to let go of.  And there are things and relationships and groups that will not be replaced.  Since we've been here I've been very conscious of making sure I don't fall into the trap of 'things are not as good here' - of course, God blessed us by moving us somewhere that really is hard to find stuff we don't like!  Just look at these blue skies!! I even made a list on the side of my blog of things we've discovered we love about NC.  But you know what - it is okay that we don't love it all here.   But...it is not good that we are comparing things to how it used to be...because it is going to be different here.  And what 'used to be' has passed and what 'is' is here now.  Does that make sense?  Everything is different here.  I don't have to replace everything I had in Evansville with something identical here.  It's a new time.  Trust.  Be thankful...and gracious...for what we've been blessed with...  Still, allowing ourselves to mourn our losses - there is a time for everything.

Not Comfortable

Normalcy...gosh, I miss it.  I miss feeling totally relaxed, completely comfortable, and at home.  I think when we are uncomfortable we rely on Him more completely.  But, man, to just be totally relaxed...  

I spent some time texting this morning with a friend about how I was feeling.  She, being experienced at this, had such encouragement for me.  I then got a text from a friend that moved away a month before we did.  It was so encouraging for me to see that at that very moment one of my sisters was having a hard time too.  I could then pray for us both instead of making it all about me.  Although I really am even having a hard time praying...it seems like I just keep praying the same things over and over and over...and He has heard them so He knows...so now I am just waiting.  And hoping that in the waiting I am growing and learning.  Because it sure does hurt.

I went to lunch today with two new-to-Charlotte friends.  Christina and Mary Kay are both many many miles away from home just like me.  Lots of reassurance.  It is a blessing to be able to be around these ladies and others who are away from comfort.  We must let go of the past (remember it, love it, and cherish it though!) but move on...agree that this is our life now and step into what He has for us and make the most of it.  It is hard not to dwell on the past and miss it.

Vent Session - FULL of complaints, beware!!! 
I feel like I am stuck in mode "lazy."  I have just kind of stopped...stopped moving on or letting go.  This week has been a hard one - not horrible, but hard.  Jeff is working late every night and is probably under a lot of stress too, meaning he is a little shorter than usual (not in height, LOL).  A few big things that I had to talk through with the kids (and then you always question whether you did good or just scarred them for life!!!)  Increasing concern about the church we visited last week (Elevation) that had to be discussed with Jeff - we decided it is probably not for us since the concern/uneasiness is there.  I've gained 5 pounds and continue to eat to make myself feel better.  Oh, and anytime you profess your freedom of something, like I did in my last few blogs, you'll be sure to be attacked in that area!!!  LOL!  That's been fun.  I have had headaches more days than not for the past three weeks and my tummy has been less than happy.  Trying to fit in all the appropriate visits for our 5 days back in Evansville on the calendar and wondering if we are going to be able to keep up that pace for those days.  We missed a fun SNC concert with front row seats last night in Evansville.  These white walls are bugging me (I know...that is lame!!)  LOL.  I need COLOR - warmth.  It feels cold in here.  I can't seem to get anything accomplished - just scatterbrained and unorganized - not myself.  I just made our first double mortgage payment.  I wonder whether the buyer that looked at our house a second time last weekend is going to make an offer (doesn't look good though).  I wonder how we are going to do this....................sigh.....
Philipians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So... I remember that God is in our tomorrows, so I need not worry or be anxious about things....He is there, therefore it will be manageable in some way or another.  In the midst of these things this week He has provided me with my most "social" week here.  I've been walking in the neighborhood, gone to lunch, gone on a shopping trip - all with new friends. He is there...and He always will be.  I am blessed...


I just reread this, as I always do and He brought to me what I need to focus on. Contentment. To be relaxed is to be content.  I thought I was 'ok' with being here now, but I probably need to revisit that...am I content?  Am I truly joyful and at peace right now?  I want to be! Lord help me to be joyful, peaceful, content!  I want to move on and see what You have for us here!  I want to enjoy being here and what You have for us!  Thank you for the encouragement you have provided through old and new friendships this week! 

Philippians 4:12 says, "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."      -Please make it true of me!