I'm Being Rebuilt

Last time I posted was in August.  I just reread my blog post and see that the signs of depression were there already.  In mid-September, for no particular circumstantial reason, I was hit with the most paralyzing depression I've ever experienced.  I've battled it a few times in my past...but this time was different.  It was an all-consuming, dark, quicksand-like muck that I got stuck in and it stripped me of my 'self' quicker than I realized what was happening.  It's hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced it, but I'll try.

It is to have a physical pain that hurts so badly, but you can't quite pinpoint exactly where it hurts...mostly your heart.  It just hurts.  It's dark.  And it makes you want to cry out...but you don't have the energy to cry out, so you just lay down.  And hide.  But...then you have a lot of time, unless you're blessed with the escape of sleep.  And time is the enemy because within that empty time the demons, seeing that the armor is laying on the floor next to you, walk right up to you and sink their teeth in.  The accuser, the deceiver of this world, does his thing and brings to mind every failure, rejection and negative thought you've ever had...and whispers them til you agree...'Yes, yes, I am those things.'  Auto-piloting through the things you can't get out of, canceling the other things.  Things that normally bring joy you just don't do.  Everything seems fuzzy, what truths you had clung to are now just out of grasp and you don't have the energy or desire to grab on to them.  'I'm defeated...I'm so sad.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I can't pray.'  So much sadness, so much hurt but unable to cry and release it.  The feeling of being all alone is overwhelming.  The truth that many love you and want to help you sinks in the mud and the lie of loneliness and rejection rules.

NOT a good spot.  Very scary.  That was mid September.  I visited my doctor immediately, pleading for her to fix me now...and I received some medicine.  Which is great, but it takes 4 or so weeks to take effect.  I had amazing support from family and friends who checked in on me constantly.  I did not want to talk, but the effort was appreciated.  I can not say enough about the friends who 'loved at all times' during this...when I was un-engaged, unmotivated and not fun in any way.  It was probably the hardest for Jeff who couldn't help me, which is what he always wants to do.  With the help of a Christian counselor and the medicine, I started to get back to a level of functioning, one where when the sadness came I could cry at least and work through it.  Not the best, but do-able.

Since then I have been on quite a journey.  Medicines are not quite right and have been changed several times.  Counseling has been hard - very taxing.  But I already see that the reward and payoff is going to be great.  Because of the illness of depression I sought out counseling...but through this I received the opportunity to spend some time looking at who I am.  Typically you don't spend time in deep self-introspection and dissection, uncovering stuff that is 'just fine' buried under all the layers.  I see it now.  I've looked at why I am this way or that way.  I've cried, I've mourned, I've connected dots, I've wished, I've explored, I've shamed myself, I've hated myself, I've asked for forgiveness, I've forgiven, I've loved and I'm allowing others to love me.

And now, I am at a turning point.  I think. (I keep slipping on the side of the pit...soon I'll be away from it.)  God and I have scooped out of me every habit, hurt, hang-up, memory, experience, characteristic, etc - it's all sitting on a table in front of me.  Even many of the things that I'd worked on in the past seemed to only have been patched and the patches were chipping and curling off.  And now, I am ready.  And I will become me.  The beloved daughter that He wants me to be, the person I long to be.  The parts that He wants back in, we'll put back in, some will need to be thrown out, some will need to be replaced or toned down.  I'm being rebuilt...made more like Him.

I'm starting with what I know is in me and can't be taken out - the Spirit...and I'm acknowledging Him.  He is IN me, actually IN me.  All that time that I was so miserable He felt it too, He wept with me.  Now and always, His power is available to me.  His truth is in me.  Who He says I am is a part of me - the foundation that I want to build upon.  The Fruit of the Spirit is in me:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I'm learning a few things as I'm getting ready to rebuild.  I'm not going to be constructed overnight.  In fact, I will not be finished until I meet Him face to face.  Habits and defense mechanisms and chains have been with me for 38 years.  So, I must give myself grace when I slide.  And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

I absolutely must put on the armor each day.  Satan has seen what he did to me and knows my weaknesses.  He will not win though.  But he's still going to try.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

The mind is where the battle is...I fail regularly in the area of taking my thoughts captive...but I have to keep trying.  Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2

Rebuilding is not something I can do.  It's mostly about me becoming a vessel for the Holy Spirit to flow in and through.  It's about letting go of control and the hope to do things perfectly.  It's about submitting fully to Him and His plan, His timing, His control - trust.  It's about Faith.  As I read the title of my blog:  "Never Say Never: My Faith Journey".  I figure that my story can re-start right here at this point in my life.  It always comes down to Faith it seems:

        "Do I believe you God?"

                                     "Do I trust You?"

Welcome back to my faith journey.  Yes, I've taken quite a few months off from writing, but it's time now.  One thing that gets taken off the table today and put back in to me - Expressing myself through the therapy of writing.

I waffled on whether or not to share all of this.  I'm embarrassed.  I shouldn't be.  Why is this disease such a taboo topic?  I know it is hard to support someone who is constantly emotionally draining.  And it may seem as though those who are depressed aren't trying to get better and are just wallowing around.  Maybe some don't put forth effort in healing, but for me it was like trying to get out of a pit that had been rubbed down with Crisco...it is frustrating and seemed impossible at times.  It really stinks though that it's easier and more comfortable and not as messy to support someone who has had a heart attack or a broken bone.

If you know someone who is depressed and you don't know how to support them:  send a card, send flowers, bring a meal or a dessert, give them a hug or several - every time you see them, drop them a text - all you have to say - "I'm praying for you. This won't last forever." All that stuff goes so far even though it doesn't seem like much.

I realize that there is a possibility with me posting this for the world to see that someone might think I'm weak and won't try to understand...I am okay with that.  I'm picking up another few things off of the table and putting them in me - I want to continue to be real, open, honest, genuine, and approachable.  I still want others to feel like they aren't alone.  And one that I've not been so good at but I'm putting in me - I am going to be okay if someone doesn't like me over this or something else.  Not everyone is going to like me.  I will let go of the unrealistic striving for everyone to be happy with me constantly.  Thus, I will share these things.  This is me.  This is part of my story of growing in faith and the beginning of the rebuilding of me.  

There is hope.  Especially with Jesus' help.  He is our hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.  Romans 15:13

Just Bein' a Pest!

I'm still here!  Oh my word has it been awhile since I've written.  I just wanted to share something that Emily and I wrote and shared at a Mother-Daughter Picnic at church on Mother's Day weekend.  It was truly a blessing to be able to do this with Emily and to learn so much while preparing. (I took a lot of this from my last blog post in March)

Southbrook Moms & Daughters

Hello fellow moms!  My name is Amy Kissel and this is my daughter Emily – she is 12 and in the sixth grade. This is the first time that I’ve been a mom to a daughter who is 12 and in the sixth grade!  I sit before you not as an expert in mother-daughter relationships, but as a fellow mom, leaning on God and you lovely ladies as we forge on!  When Kathy called me about a month ago and asked me if I’d like to talk at this picnic about being intentional and purposeful in building our relationships with our daughters – I immediately thought that this would be a great opportunity – I had just recently become very aware of the dangers of the ‘real world’ that Emily is growing up in and how I needed to be praying more for her, educating myself and spending intentional time with her.  I feel as though I may have taken a ‘mom break’ for a few years…I’ve kinda been coasting.  We got through the toddler years, past preschool and into elementary.  Once we got to elementary - for the most part the kids were pleasant to be around and becoming more and more independent by the moment. Woohoo! Mom relaxes, kicks back, starts taking some time for herself….only to have my eyes opened completely wide this year and a kick in the pants to action…wake up!  I have got some important work to do.  So back to Kathy’s question of speaking, ‘yes, yes, I’d like to do that.’  Then…the enemy got a hold of me… ‘What information do you possibly have to convey to these moms??  Some of them seasoned moms – some of them pros at this??’ ‘There are plenty of ladies who have been there, done that and their girls are well-adjusted, pleasant, Jesus-lovin young women ---- those ladies should be up here tellin’ us all what works and what don’t…what in the world do I know about this??!!   Yikes!  What have I done?

But…I continued to pray and asked God to give me some words for this…and in the process realized that this actually was going to be a huge blessing to both Emily and I as I took the time to learn some things, open my eyes and prepare a bit.  You see, Em and I don’t always see eye to eye.  We butt heads, we both take things too personally, and we make each other angry.  I wouldn’t say that our relationship is one that just naturally ‘happens’ and brings joy to each other on a regular basis…but oh how I long for that!  So, I read some books, some articles, talked to some wise moms I am blessed to know and then I asked the question to my facebook friends and family, “moms of tween and teen girls:  what do you do to be purposeful and intentional in your relationship with your daughter/s?”  I got several private messages of encouragement, an invitation to coffee, an ‘oh girl!!’ and a ‘we’ll get through it’ pat on the back…but every time someone replied I got tears in my eyes.  We’re all in this together.  Look around the room…you have a network of support right here – there is so much wisdom...

Being intentional means living with purpose.  Having a goal or specific outcome in mind.

So, if we’re talking about being intentional in nurturing our relationships with our daughters, what would be our goal or specific outcome?  Maintaining closeness and open communication and a healthy relationship –that way when the bumps come, we can work on things together.

We may be quite similar or complete opposites of our daughters..but we must learn to work together, embrace differences and understand them.  Ultimately women want love, understanding and acceptance – we want that…and our daughters want that too.

So, from my talks with other moms, books read and prayers said, I determined this:  In order to build into my daughter’s life it will take: Prayer, Education, Selflessness and Time.

Prayer:  This is our most important step.  Remembering that God loves our daughters even more than we do – I should be talking to Him constantly about her.  She is more important to Him than she is to me!   I admit very ashamedly that I have not been praying for my children very often at all…like I said, I’ve been coasting.   Prayer will bring power to us through the Holy Spirit but it will also alleviate our fears and anxieties!!  Perfect!  We need that, right??!!  Praying with our daughters create a closer bond and allow them to see how much you take to God in prayer.  There are books and lists on things to pray for for her, but just praying simple prayers are good too!  I prayed a ‘help me.  I can’t do this’ prayer recently concerning my parenting and He was quite quick to send me some help.

Education:  I laugh a lot that I 'live in a little Christian-bubble' with a perfect little life and am so naive to what goes on in the world - I look at people 'around here' and think they're all good - that there is nothing really evil going on.  I will not laugh about this anymore.  It isn't funny nor cute that I've been 'sheltered.'  This is the point in my life that I need to educate myself to what kids are into.  What slang word is what, what social media is what, what girls do on Friday nights…What they will face so I can talk to her about it before she faces it. I sat her down before 6th grade sex ed to tell her the Biblical version like many of you did/will because she will learn it – I’d rather she hear it and hear it correctly from me first.  I want to know what’s going on ‘out there’ so when she does need to come to me I don’t have a complete breakdown cause I’m so unaware of what is out there – does that make sense?   I feel like I can easily educate myself on some parenting skills by talking to other moms who are further along on the journey whom I trust.  As I was telling a friend who’s daughter is 5 years further along on her journey about a situation the other day – she quickly pointed out what I could do – I welcomed it.  Yes, please give me some of that wisdom!  Education – A perfect place to look for it would be in the Bible.   What does God say about raising our kids?  Are there other reliable resources out there that I can turn to?  Recently I’ve read some great information about the differences in the world we were raised in vs. what our daughters are facing today.  I need to expect that how I was raised and what worked then is going to be different than what is going to work now.

Selflessness/ Humility:  Jeff just talked to the kids about how he was experiencing some peer pressure with his friends recently and what he did to resolve that.  And I just told Emily how grumpy I was because I was tired last night.  Our kids seeing that we make mistakes, we have to deal with stuff…and how we do it…and sometimes fail at doing it.  Hopefully they are learning a little by example – weaving life lessons into our own stories of experiences.  Daring to be real and allowing them to see that we are not perfect.  Apologies when we need them and asking her to forgive me…  God is helping me with the ability to not take it personal when Emily is in a mood and lashes out at me.  The ability to practice self-control and not lose control and become a 12 year old girl too.  I don’t really need to get the last word in.  He’s teaching me to bite that tongue.  Selflessness – putting others before self --  focus on her and her interests and loves…learn about them and become interested and want to know all about it.  Take the focus off of myself – selflessness.  Listen.  Really listen…not the toddler mom type of listening ‘the half listen’ where the toddler is saying mom mom mom mom and then a bunch of syllables of a sentence you don’t understand and you just smile and nod and say ‘oh…yes, absolutely’ but you have NO idea what they said…  Or the half-listening that I sometimes do when she launches into a story about something that I’m not quite interested in or I don’t really understand.  These are the moments I need to drop what I’m doing and learn all about what I don’t understand and become interested in it because SHE is interested in it – because SHE is important and I love her.  THIS is what is important right now.  God has given my daughter to me to parent…to love…to pour into for this time..and we are only here for a moment.  Ok – remember my facebook question?  Moms of tween and teen girls – what do you do to be purposeful and intentional in your relationship with your daughter/s?   One of my cousins answered my question with this:  “I really think it's the little things that matter most. I purposely read the types of books she loves so we have those to talk about. Add a special touch to her lunch or a special treat in the car when I pick her up at school if she is having a rough week. In addition to right after school, I know the time she is most likely to be talkative is right before bed. Thus even though now with high school soccer she is often up late at night doing homework, I stay up with her so we have that time together when she is most likely to open up.” That is filled with thinking about another more than yourself.  Another slant to Selflessness and Humility – not trying to change her.  Not trying to steer her towards things that I’d love her to do or wear or be more like.  Probably my favorite comment to my facebook question – “Remember she is not you.”  Ouch!   Embrace who she is becoming and what her passions are…even though they aren’t mine – she is different than me!!  I admit I've tried to steer my kids toward things I'd love to see them succeed in...mainly so I can be validated (which is selfish instead of selfless). ..’look what my kid can do’.  I'd love to live through them and have them succeed at things I couldn't.   Emily tried out for volleyball this past year.  I was so proud and so excited that she was doing it.  When she didn’t make the team – guess who cried about it?  It was an eye-opener to me that that particular activity was MY dream and I needed to check myself and my intentions…

Time:  Emily and I don't have a lot in common that we love to talk about.  But, she just read the Divergent book series and she loves to talk about what she's reading.  So, I started reading them too.  It gave us a nice way to talk through some of the books.  Every relationship we have requires effort and intentionality.  Intentionally schedule some time to do something that she enjoys together.  One facebook friend mentioned that she has started watching her daughter’s favorite show with her.  Another says that they do dinner and a movie together once a month.  One says : “Grace and I share a circle journal. She writes a prompt and I respond to it then I write a new prompt and she responds to it. Sometimes it's a doodle, sometimes it's recalling a family memory, sometimes it's a Q &A, We aren't consistent with getting it back and forth, but I always love when it shows up on my bedside table or in my purse. Fun!”  I know that might stress some of you out to have to write in a journal – but others might really benefit from it.  Expressing yourself with writing is a lot easier for some…like me.  I remember when I was a preteen…I wrote my mom a note and left it on the laundry basket “I’m thinking I need a training bra, don’t you think?  They’re starting to get bigger.”  I could NOT utter those words to my mom during that time.  It was awkward and embarrassing.  To this day – I feel like I can communicate so much more eloquently with writing than with speech – so – maybe some of you might want to give it a try!  Other ideas for time together:  Walks, painting toenails, seeing a movie, a weekly breakfast, going to a certain restaurant that the rest of the family hates…  A year ago when I noticed that there were some hormones going on in the house.  I walked into Emily’s room to tuck her in and I told her that I am here…you can talk to me about anything and everything.  You can ask me anything.  This is your time.  Every night.  I will come in your room and tuck you in and if you want to spend time talking…it’s yours.  I’m yours.  It’s been good.  I’ve also realized lately that even though my girl looks more and more like an adult – she still wants hugs, hand holding and cuddles at times – of course if we’re in public I will let HER initiate this so not to embarrass her!  I’d much rather give this to her than her wanting it from someone else.  Emily and I are going to do our first mother-daughter Bible Study this summer with another mom and daughter.

So, to be purposeful takes Prayer, it takes Education, it takes Selflessness and it takes Time.  Oddly enough that spells out “PEST” and oddly enough – this is what Emily and I both have pinpointed as the one characteristic that is most harmful in how I’m relating to her.  I tend to be a nag, a pest…always pointing out what needs to change, what needs to be done.  Yes, I have major control issues – God is helping me with it!  When Pastor Shane spoke a few weeks back about our “Whatever” – our one thing that we need to surrender to God  - I was awakened when Colossians 3:21 hit me over the head.  “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”  I realized that the majority of my interactions with Emily were me being a nag.  I’ve just realized as I’m embarking on this new phase of life that I need to change my parenting – I am not parenting a baby, toddler, or elementary school daughter.  I need to trust how we parented her/what we have taught her up to this point that Emily does know deep down right and wrong... but now realize that it's going to require a different type of parenting – one where she needs to make some decisions on her own, that we don't give advice and correct and teach at every single opportunity but make sure she does know she can ask for advice.  That not every battle (the little things) needs to be fought.  She needs my relationship more than my instruction at this stage of life and to know that we are here and we want to be here. We are now her guide instead of her driver.  We’re still her parent, not her peer, but I am here…I’m present…I’m engaged…I’m available.   I’m slowly relinquishing control a bit at a time while trusting God because He has good things planned for my daughter.  In my absence, He is there.

Emily's Part:

To be purposeful/intentional in our relationships with mom – daughters need to remember to be a PEST too!
P- Pray
Pray with and for her and your relationship.  Spend some time with her to just talk to the Lord.  Have that special time of 1, 2, 5, 10 minutes or however long you feel like praying.
E – Education (remember she can be a source)
Remember that mom went through so much of the things we do…hormones, body changes, friend troubles, being made fun of, crushes, dating, hard choices…she understands a bit of it!!  She knows how to deal with some of the things you are going through.
Ask for help when you need it.  She is always there for you.  You don’t have to face this world alone, she has gone through it and understands what you are feeling and might have some advice if you want it.
S – Selflessness/Humility – part of being selfless is doing stuff when I don’t really feel like it – because it is good for me and our relationship.  It’s also thinking about her feelings, too.
Share your feelings as much as you can.  Don’t keep them curled up in a tiny ball and push them to the back of your mind.  You will end up exploding at someone.  I mean, you saw what happened with Elsa right? Your mom can help you unpack your emotional backpack.  I mean, I know sometimes I am not the best example for this because I am not good at sharing my feelings but, I am trying to get better.
Be kind to her.  Try not to let hormones get the better of you.  Try not yell at her to get out of your room. Remember parents have feelings too!  Realize it is hard at times for mom to see you growing up and not needing her as much.  Sometime she may think that you are still her baby girl and need to be taught when you don’t.  Remind her from time to time that you are not a baby.  Remember that mom does want what’s best for you.  She is not out there to get you, she wants to see you succeed.

Whew!  We're glad to be done - hanging out at the picnic now!

T – Time 
Suggest time together when you feel like you need it.  I usually ask for this when I am emotionally unstable and need answers to my questions.
She will be there…she’s my mom.  She’ll be there even when friends change.  It’s a permanent relationship. And God hand-picked her to be mine.  God knows there is no other mom that would be better fitted to raise you than the one you have now.

Confessions of a Tween's Mom - Eyes are Opened

Over the past couple of months I've been enlightened...well, a bit.  I've learned the definitions of 'fangirling' and 'bronies' and what it means to be 'friendzoned.'  So, I'm now super cool to my now 12 year old daughter...well, not really.

What I've really been clued in to is the crazy, crazy time that our kids are growing up in.  Emily's church youth group leaders had a brunch for moms of sixth grade girls a few weeks ago.  While there I learned that our girls are faced with bad language used by fellow classmates and friends.  The 'F' word, along with all the others, is being said around my Emily every day.  I am proud of her that she's made the decision for now that those words don't need to be said because they're nasty, but she still has to hear them come out of the mouths of most of the kids around her on a daily basis.  It was also shared that the seventh grade girls are dealing mostly with their friends and classmates being anxious, depressed, cutting themselves, and threatening suicide.  It seriously made me scared to hear this.  I left this get-together with my eyes beginning to be opened, but more was to come.  I recently was the 'adult' presence during an activity with Emily and a few other 12 year old girls.  One of them talked very freely about her friends who cut and want to die.  She also brought up the recent news about facebook adding more gender choices than just male and female - to which Emily said, "well that is silly, there are only two."  Right on, girl!  The concern for me continued as I had coffee with a friend who told me how her seventh grade son is dealing with friends who have shown him pornography and how there are sixth grade girls having babies.  Pick me up off the floor and fan me please....this mom has wide-open eyes now.

So, what do we do with this?  Like I said, my immediate response was to be scared for what our children are going to have to come up against.  I truly believe that they are going out into a war zone every day and we have GOT to equip them with the tools to fight well - instead of just being a P-E-S-T.

Pray:  I admit very ashamedly that I have not been praying for my children very often at all.  Prayer will bring  power to them through the Holy Spirit but it will also alleviate our fears and anxieties!  I pulled the book, "Power of a Praying Parent" by Stormie Omartian, off of my shelf and dusted it off since I hadn't opened it since I received it when Evan was born.

"When we don't pray, it's like sitting on the side-lines watching our children in a war zone getting shot at from every angle.  When we do pray, we're in the battle alongside them, appropriating God's power on their behalf.  If we also declare the Word of God in our prayers, then we wield a powerful weapon against which no enemy can prevail."  (page 21)

Educate ourselves:  I laugh a lot that I 'live in a little Christian-bubble' with a perfect little life and am so naive to what goes on in the world - I look at people 'around here' and think they're all good - that there is nothing really evil going on.  I will not laugh about this any more.  It isn't funny nor cute that I'm 'sheltered.'  This is the point in my life that I need to educate myself to what kids are into.  What slang is what.  What they will face so I can talk to them before they face it.

Spend time together/be intentionally involved:  I just recently have told a few friends how Emily and I don't have a lot in common that we love to talk about.  But, she just read the Divergent book series and she loves to talk about what she's reading.  So, I started reading them too.  It gave us a nice way to talk through some of the books and a fun way to connect as the movie comes out later this month.  I am super-glad I did this.  Sometimes opportunities do not just pop up but we have to be intentional to be involved and to work at our relationships.  In some relationships this happens naturally, but in some it doesn't - especially with a hormone-raging, roller-coaster-of-emotions, highly-sensitive tween.  Intentionally schedule some time to do something that she enjoys together.

Talk with our kids:  After we came home from the event where I overheard the talk about cutting and suicide and genders, etc., I talked to her about it.  I asked her what she thought.  I asked her if any of her friends talked like that.  I assured her that she needs to tell me if any of her friends ever talked about hurting themselves.  Jeff has taken her out recently and asked her what her friends are into and who is doing what? We got that idea from a friend in our Lifegroup!  Jeff just talked to the kids about how he was experiencing some peer pressure with his friends recently and what he did to resolve that.  And I just told Emily how grumpy I was because I was tired last night.  Hopefully they are learning a little by example.  We have to keep that dialogue going.  I also had to have 'the talk' with Emily recently before sixth grade health class beat me to it.  I wanted her to hear it from us first and about what God says on the topic.  I knew if she didn't hear it from us it wasn't going to be taught to her at school!

I'm sure that those of you with older kids are way past this stage of eye-opening and have all kinds of ideas on how to keep our kids on the right track.  Please share your experiences with us embarking on this stage!  It definitely helps to talk to others and get ideas and counsel.  And I know that the Wednesday night youth group at our church has been so great for Emily this year - it's a confusing time for middle and high schoolers.  If you have a teen who would like to go, please let me know!  Jeff and I are definitely thankful that Emily has two extremely godly women leading her group at church who are available and invested in Emily's life.  I'm glad that Emily has another choice of someone to talk to...sometimes parents aren't quite enough.

The fear has been replaced for the moment with thankfulness that we have so many tools available to help in raising our children in this world.  2 Timothy 1:7 says, 'For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.'  My fear was/is not from God.  I know that with Him, we can rest in the truth in Proverbs 22:6, 'Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.'  And when the anxiety creeps in again:  'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.' (Philippians 4:6)

He gave us our children for a reason.  He obviously thought we could do it.  We want to do a good job and I know you do, too!  We're far from perfect but we are learning and I'm so thankful that God is equipping us through His word and His people!

Target Practice

In December as I was having lunch with a friend, she threw out a question,  "Would nursing be what you would do if you could work and do anything?"  I feel like the correct answer should be "absolutely" - I mean, I went to school for it and have kept my license current and had just finished the continuing education hours.  I take a lot of pride in saying that I'm an RN.  It took a lot of work.  I enjoyed it while I did it.  I feel like I'm important when I tell people I'm a nurse (that's probably a whole other issue!)  But to be honest - it scares me now.  I have forgotten everything.  Except how to care.  Seriously, I was asked a simple question during a girl scout meeting the other night about head wounds and I wasn't sure of the answer...talk about embarrassing.  Luckily Emily wasn't embarrassed.  Whew!  Back to the question my friend posed:  I answered her honestly and said, "I'm not sure that it would be.  If I could do anything for work - it would be to have a little shabby chic boutique store and make my little painted signs."  But I really felt like that was a far-fetched idea.

I interviewed for another nursing job in December and I still haven't ever heard anything back - which is fine.  Yet, it makes me kind of sad.  I know that every year I don't work is one more year removed from the skills and makes it more likely that I'll have to take some kind of refresher courses in order to ever get back into it.  Yes, the money would be good.  But is that what I'm being called to do right now??  I'm not so sure.  I feel like being available to my family is THE single most important thing I can do.  And if I'm gone 8-9 hours a day I don't know that I can be what I need to be for them. Every nursing position door that I've managed to get my foot in since we've been here has been shut.  Not sure it is the answer.  And it doesn't make me excited to think about going back.

So, this month I've looked into the prices of renting booths to sell my handiwork.  There aren't many openings even though there are lots of shops and the rent is pricey.  I didn't even know if my stuff was cute - I'd only given it as gifts and you never know if people actually like it or are just being nice!   I decided to put pictures on my facebook page <---(click on that to see them) a week ago showing what I make and I started selling them and taking orders immediately!  I didn't even have it completely thought out and people were asking how much and whether I took orders!  Joy just flooded me.  I truly enjoy painting and making these little signs.  Yay!


Now...I wasn't able to start selling these signs without being intentional.  I've wanted to do it for a long time but hadn't done anything about it.  I finally took some steps and got it done after the conversation with my friend when I actually voiced my desire.

Last February I read a book by Anne Ortlund called "Disciplines of the Beautiful Woman."  It wasn't my favorite book ever.  But, I was very much challenged by the author to write down my LIFE PURPOSES, my LIFE GOALS, and my YEAR GOALS.  She pointed out the importance of writing them down.  There's something powerful about it.  It's intentional.  Once it's on paper I can review and revisit them and see them.  I can pray over them and ask God if it is still what He wants of me.  I made my life purposes more general like: Give generously, Trust blindly, Grow continually, etc.  My life goals are more specific like: go on a mission trip, write a Christian women's book, etc.  My year goals are very specific and are more of baby-steps to getting to my life goals at times: Continue blogging and praying about what to write, make daily time with God non-negotiable, etc.  I've loved having these written down so I have direction.  I re-wrote them in January this year and tweaked them a bit.  I pray over them often.

Seems like once God speaks to you about something, it comes up everywhere, right?  "If you aim at nothing, you will hit it every time."  I've heard this quote a lot, but I was really convicted the last time I heard it said by Pastor Kevin.  SO true.  What am I aiming for?  What is life about?  Is it just getting up, going through the motions, hopefully having a few good moments, going to bed, doing it all over and over and over?  What am I trying to accomplish?  Mine and yours main life purposes should be to glorify God in all we do and to become more like Him.  If I haven't thought about it or written it down - been intentional  -- am I going to 'hit the mark?'

I am reading "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope for my women's Bible Study right now.  Renee says, "When we don't know what our heart's desires are, we tend to spend our lives fulfilling the desires of others."  Ugh...what a waste!  I want to do what God wants me to do.  And what brings me joy too!  She adds, "But just as a target is designed to narrow the aim of an arrow, God uses the desires of our hearts to narrow the focus of where He wants our lives to make a mark for eternity."  I want my arrows to leave marks not just whiz around hitting nothing.  But if I don't have anything to aim at - what do I expect is going to happen?  If I don't know what the desires of my heart are??  Well, start by asking God.  He will reveal it.  It made me smile so big when my heart desire came to fruition with painting my signs and selling them!  My heart desire of writing my thoughts and feelings out became something I could do just by sitting down and doing it.  My heart desire of encouraging became something I could do just by taking the time (intentionally) to write a text, email or card out to a sister.

Our new lead pastor, Pastor Shane, (yay!!!!) talked about the importance of  family values a couple weekends ago.  He reminded us, "If we are not intentional to set our values then others around us will do it for us."  It was a great sermon showing us how powerful culture can be on our households.  If we do not talk about what our values are with our children - then the world will tell our children what their values should be.  That. is. scary.  He closed his sermon with a challenge to each of us to go home and establish our values as a family - beliefs that guide us as we seek to glorify God.  Some hints - be specific/not generic, support each value with a Bible verse (God's authority), and write the values out and hang them up (as a reminder and for accountability).

Sunday night the four of us sat down and discussed what we'd like to have as our family values.  We came up with six "We will..." statements that we supported with scripture and hung on a decorative tree thing in our hallway.  We decided on these values together and agreed that we all need to help each other stick to these values.  It had never even crossed my mind to do something like this.

So, this has been a lengthy post, one I've been wanting to write all month.  I've meditated on these subjects for weeks now and it has flowed out through my fingers so quickly.  A lot of times I still feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly in this life - wondering what I'm going to be when I grow up; wondering if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  I'm so thankful that God has shown me over the past year how important knowing and claiming and writing down what my purposes, goals, heart desires, and family values are.  And when I'm feeling like I'm not quite hitting the mark or feeling aimless...it doesn't really come down to whether I'm a nurse or I clean houses and make crafts...am I glorifying Him and making Him greater?

John 3:30  "He must become greater; I must become less."

 

Merry Christmas from the Kissels!

Dear Family and Friends,

Wow!  Has it been another year?  I can hardly believe the end of 2013 is approaching!  As you think of a tree, this year has been one of sending down roots and growing outward for our family.  We were planted here in North Carolina 2 1/2 years ago now.  The ties and stakes have been taken off and our surroundings have become home.  Here is the 2013 Kissel Family Update:

We began the year owning two homes still!  But in March we were so excited to end that 19 month trial in our lives and close on the sale of our Indiana home.  God was still in every detail of our move here - even though our house didn't sell quickly.  He used this time to grow each one of us in our faith and trust of Him as Provider, to teach us a little about His timing, patience, and to be generous - as others had been to us.  It was not a fun time, but we are better for going through it.

This summer we were able to take a fun family vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  First we took a small? detour up the coast to Delaware to see our friend Scott.  We visited Dogfish Head Brewery, ate blue crab, walked the boardwalk at Rehoboth Beach, and saw wild ponies at Assateauge Island, Maryland.  We also drove under the ocean in the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.  Eek.  The Outer Banks were perfect - just sitting on the beach listening to the waves.  Jeff and I snuck out early one morning and watched the sunrise.  We saw the Wright Brothers museum, Roanoke Island, and one of the many lighthouses.

Jeff and I spent a night in Asheville, North Carolina after dropping the kids off in Indiana this summer to spend a week with the grandparents.  We visited several microbrews and did some shopping and driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway in the mountains.






In August we were blessed with an unexpected trip to Hilton Head Island for a few days.  Again, the family enjoyed the beach...until Evan was stung by a jelly fish many times and minutes later sharks were sighted in that same area!  We enjoyed the pools after that!  This trip was one of relaxing, but we did eat at The Salty Dog Cafe - which you can't not do while there.  Beautiful island...wonderful memories.


Miss Emily turned 11 in February, got braces in April, and 'graduated' grade school in June.  She started middle school in August and didn't skip a beat... adjusting within a week.  She started band this year, taking after her mama and playing the flute - quite well I might add.  She is enjoying her Cadette Girl Scout troop this year...it's almost cookie time - you'll be hearing from her soon!  She also is loving Wednesday night youth group at church - there are many other sixth grade girls and they are doing a great job building wonderful relationships with each other.

Little Evan turned 9 in May.  He is finding that third grade is a little more serious and is learning how to put forth his best effort in everything he does.  He...and thus Jeff... joined cub scouts this fall.  So far the boys are enjoying this time together.  They've even gone tent camping..something I never thought I'd see Jeff do.


Jeff still enjoys rooting on his Hoosiers...we meet people from Indiana here often because he's always sporting his swag.  Still my chef, baker, joker, and love of my life...can't imagine life without him.  This year he and some buddies started a podcast, Charlotte Beercast, which is a 'talk show' about craft beer.  He's enjoyed this and getting to know the Charlotte brewers.  This fall Jeff and I launched a new Life Group and have been so blessed already as we've grown to love these five other families.  Jeff spent a weekend somewhere in the NC mountains being manly this fall for a men's retreat and had a great time too.

In January I began cleaning homes a few times a week and have continued to all year long - it's been a blessing for us and I've met some special families through this!  Still involved at school, but not as much. This year I've loved getting more plugged into our church family this year - through a leadership group, a Bible study, our Life Group and serving I've made some awesome sister friends.  Around August it was like a switch was flipped for me and I suddenly found myself feeling completely at home here as the mourning was over!  In October I shared up on stage for about twenty minutes during a women's event...willingly - If you knew me in high school - that is a shocker! ;)  It was a neat experience, allowing God to work through me.  I'm still enjoying writing my blog (which now that you've found your way here I invite you to keep up with us here all year!), crafting and landscaping when I have the time.

This year has been filled with highs and lows...obviously I've written all about the good parts of 2013 and left out the melt downs, bad attitudes, hurts, tears and pain.  Please don't be fooled into thinking our life is perfect.  Our circumstances aren't always good ones, but we have hope and joy in our Lord Jesus Christ. Our attitudes aren't always good ones, but we have forgiveness because of Jesus.

One day He will arrive to gather us home...we hope and pray that you have accepted Jesus as your Savior. Time is short.  As we celebrate this season, take some time to think about Who we are celebrating.  He gave us a way out..a replacement...someone else to pay for what we've done.  Why?  Because He loves you and wants to save you.  As you think on these truths, please contact us if you have questions about them.  Celebrate and sing, "Joy to World, The Lord has Come!" and enjoy the moments of 2014!

Love,
Jeff, Amy, Emily, and Evan

Confessions of a Tween's Mom

My sweet Em

Emily tried out for the volleyball team for middle school last week.  I was super oober proud of her - I never did anything like that when I was her age.  She was brave!  She really hasn't played, but learned in gym class, then some open gyms at the middle school this summer and a summer camp at a local place.  She actually got pretty good quickly - got the over-head serve pretty good.  She didn't make it though :(  She handled it well - we prayed that it would be God's will if she made the team and if not He has something else in mind for her.

I, however, had a hard time with it!  It really hurt!  I really am struggling with wanting to 'prepare' her (actually control the situation - hm...never been a problem for me) for middle school so she doesn't have to go through some of the same hurts I went through!  Evidently one of the things I thought would make her sixth grade experience 'all that' was being on a school team. All my junior high insecurities are showing up with a vengeance.  I'm buying her shoes she hasn't even discovered yet so that she has what everyone else has and polling all moms on the time frame of when is actually the correct time to start shaving legs. I've spent how many years telling her to be herself and now this?  What am I doing?!  I need to back off and just pray!!  And be there for her when she does have problems...  But, does it really hurt to just ask her if she might want to check her braces for food or brush her hair before going out the door?  Just sayin'!

As parents, we want the best for our kids and we want to try to make things as easy as possible on them. We even want them to do things better than we did at their age.  But, we have to remember how we learned to do things better - we failed, we got hurt and we figured out solutions.  And as much as we want the best for our kids...God wants the best for them even more so. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 Thank goodness God doesn't give us everything we ask for.  He protects us from harm by closing some of these doors that we think would be best for our kids!

I think about how much I've messed up in my own life by trying to control things instead of letting God give me His best for me...I definitely shouldn't be trying to control other people's lives too.  I acknowledge that my children are 'fearfully and wonderfully made,' in His image.  They are precious and are His!  Releasing them over to Him, the world and themselves to make the decisions that they need to make in order to be formed into the adults that God wants them to be...this is a hard 'letting go' stage in a parent's life and one I imagine will be ongoing for a good few years in this house.

It's starting to get harder - the parenting thing!  My confused daughter told me the other night, "I don't know why I'm acting like this!"  Oh honey - I know!!  If only it got better after 11!  I still don't know why I'm acting like this!

Merry Christmas from the Kissel Family!

Dear Family and Friends,

It's been a fun year of 'getting our feet under us' in our new area, grieving the loss of old, and enjoying the excitement of new!  We are happy to say that God has been blessing us richly with good friends and feelings of being 'at home' in North Carolina!  We may not have everything we want or desire, but He provides for what we need!  Here is the 2012 Kissel Family update - which we just know that you’ve been waiting for!

We have enjoyed our new church home - we've gotten involved and have met a lot of awesome people.  We’ve been so excited to host many of our ‘old’ friends and our family in our home this year - so many fun memories have been made!  We’d love to have you stay with us if you are out this way!  We've explored a bit around this area and hope to do more in the coming year.  

The whole family is growing in faith and patience, as we still own our Indiana home.  Amy has been actively applying for jobs since the summer with no offers.  Even though things haven’t panned out exactly as we thought they would here - we are still undoubtedly here for a reason that God has not revealed to us yet.  We’re thankful that He has given us peace about being here, when everything else is an unknown to us it seems.  We are enduring.  God is a rock to lean on in times of trouble.  He has helped us through.  Try Him  out if you haven't! ;)

Emily has played more seasons of soccer and enjoys her junior girl scout troop.  She enjoyed a weekend retreat for kids from her Sunday school recently and was baptized on December 2nd!  Emily's sweet and adventurous spirit and pretty smile is going to knock some boys off of their feet.  Fifth grade is upon us and she will soon be going to middle school.  We don't know where time has gone as she approaches her eleventh birthday.

Evan has continued to play baseball and enjoys playing with his legos and his friends.  Always active!  He is a good student in the second grade and always has a smile, a joke, a laugh, a hug, a compliment, or a fart for you!

Jeff spends a bit of time driving to and from work, but has done a great job with his team and still enjoys his job - most days.  He is co-leading our LifeGroup and got to assistant coach Em’s soccer team this year.  Flies his IU flag on his truck proudly and has some stellar Hoosier pride in this Tarheel State!  Still cooking, baking, smoking, grilling, and trying new beers! 

Amy does mom and wife and friend stuff mostly- which is exactly what she loves to do!  She has continued to blog about her thoughts and experiences since we moved - www.evansvillekissels.blogspot.com Still passionate about connecting women together to other women in order that all feel the love of Jesus - you are not alone!  Whether that is through lunches, or groups, or get-togethers, or school functions, or ministries - she loves it!  

We truly hope that your family is well - in all ways!
Have a blessed and Holy Christmas!
Jeff, Amy, Emily, and Evan

In Good Times and In Bad

Winter's cold is chilling, while summer's sun brings warmth.  However, all sunshine and no rain make a desert.  Each season has a purpose.  "Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart" (Gal. 6:9)   (Taken from "Live Beautifully: A Study in the Books of Ruth and Esther" by Lenya Heitzig & Penny Rose)

A very beautiful, tiring weekend we had.  A flight to St. Louis to share in time spent with family, an intimate exchange of vows and a wonderful time of fellowship - meeting people who live life with Jason and Jenny.  I was overwhelmed with happiness for another person.

The Right Door & The Good in Every Situation

Where should I start?  I know I need to write and try to figure out some 'truths.'  My mind is swirling like the leaves in the dreary, windy, cool, gray day today.  

I have told many of you over the last few weeks, "my heart is at home still, but I am willing to do what I need to for my family and go where God leads me."  I guess I'm having a hard time as to where God is leading - I know I need to sit back and remain faithful. Sit back - as in BE PATIENT. Nothing new here.  But I also know that I need to continue having action with my faith - continue trying - continue pursuing other ideas, etc. 

Renew A Steadfast Spirit Within Me!

Last weekend we took a quick trip to Evansville.  It was fun, got to see our parents and Jenny and Jason, saw a few other friends very quickly, checked on our house, and ate some Turoni's, Hacienda, and Donut Bank.  While there I commented how weird it felt to come back after not living there for a year and it felt so normal there -so routine.  We know every place there, every road, every restaurant, etc.  It is weird to not call a place we know like the back of our hand 'home.'  Yet, it didn't feel like home.  And it was frustrating, yet again, to visit and not have a heavy weight looming on us.  I imagine it will be so nice when our house finally sells.  It will be like the loose ends are tied and we can completely close this chapter.

Jeff and I left Em and Ev in Indiana with some eager grandparents and made our way back home.  It has been quiet here, but I've made friends with our kitties again since the kids aren't hogging them.  We have gone on a few dates.  I made Pad Thai for Jeff one night - something he's wanted me to make again for him for at least a year now!  During the days I've kept busy painting a cool design on the foyer wall that I saw on Pinterest, painting the upstairs bathroom, visiting with my friends Stephanie and Wendy, going for walks, running a few errands.  I'm glad I've had things to keep me busy so it wasn't lonely.  I have applied for six or seven nursing jobs now but haven't heard anything yet.  It's been so quiet I have had plenty of time to be in praise and prayer throughout the week, crying out to Him more than I ever have.  I have experienced several bouts of what must be anxiety (I guess that is what it is - my chest feels like it is going to split open almost!) over the last few weeks when I let my mind wander to the 'what if's' and start worrying about the future. 

Psalm 51:10

For the most part I have had an upbeat attitude and a steadfast trust.  The last few days have been a little rough though and I have let fear and doubt creep in.  It's hard.  I could easily choose to go down the 'it's hopeless' path.  I can not believe it has been a year and here we are - in the same position...  (yes, that was kind of a hopeless thought I just typed - see...)

I also went and ate at Chick-fil-A on Wednesday to show my support to the company's owners who will not deny our God, but lift Him up and bring glory to Him by not being afraid to say that they value and believe and practice what the Bible says.  I applaud him - we all need to be so bold!  And as the world gets worse and worse - as it will - we definitely need to expect that these type of situations will come up more and more. 

2 Timothy 3:1-5 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

2 Timothy 4:1-5 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who will judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I give you this charge: Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage —with great patience and careful instruction. For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths. But you, keep your head in all situations, endure hardship, do the work of an evangelist, discharge all the duties of your ministry.

It has amazed me all of the comments I have read from those who are so lost and so angry and hateful - they need Jesus and they need Him before it is too late.  Not to preach gloom and doom... Sometimes there is a place for personal opinion, but some things are God's doctrine that is not to be twisted for convenience and comfort.  Everyone wants to argue their stance, but the bottom line is - if you have not put your trust in Jesus Christ as your Savior admitting your need for help in this life and turning from your sins - when He comes back for us you will have an eternity to regret it.  Since we have moved to this city (I've never lived in a town larger than 120,000) I am constantly amazed at how many houses are everywhere we look.  There are people everywhere - and we are only in the 18th largest city in America!  There are people everywhere!  And so so so many of them are hurting and lost and have no idea that Jesus died for them.  Now, what do I do about this?  I think Christians took a stand this past week, but there are some who are being self-righteous about it and mean and nasty towards a certain group of people.  That doesn't help anyone!  I pray that God gives me opportunities to use the passion that I have developed over the past year on this subject matter in a way that would cause lost people to see a glimmer of Him.

Apart From Him I Can Do Nothing

We spent Easter with Jeff's parents visiting us.  Tony and Sue came down and joined us for a meal.  We even made some cheesy grits to go with our feast to make it truly southern!  The kids are on spring break now and I feel like I have caught up on a bunch around here.  The Silent Auction is coming along nicely.  I need to plan Evan's Mario Brother's birthday party that will be in about 3 weeks.  And I am looking forward to meeting back with my Bible Study on Monday after having the past two weeks off.

I have a nagging unhappy feeling that I can not accomplish two things that seem important to me right now.  I want to lose 5 pounds and I want to get up every morning and have God time before anyone else is up.  Why can I not accomplish either of these things? 

Romans 7:15-24  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.      So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

I know exactly what I need to do to get these 5 extra pounds off before they multiply into more - I even think about it while I shove the extra bites of chips and chocolate in.  I know exactly what I need to do to get up out of bed in the morning so I can have the quiet time with God before anyone else gets up - I even think about it while I hit snooze for the fifth time.  And while the comfort of the food and extra sleep feel good at that minute (even with the voice in my head saying - 'why are you doing this - this is not what you want to do') that next minute and few hours feels miserable for failing again.  Why do I do what I do not want to do?  Because evil is right there with me.  Satan has found a way to get to me that happens to work right now.  I also know that I am choosing comfort right now in these things over comfort in time with Him - that is sad.  And I sure am putting forth my best effort and my willpower.  But I will never win the war with my own strength.  This I know.  So, today, I am claiming John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" and Zechariah 4:6 NKJV "Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the LORD of hosts."

My Bible Study is on "Discovering God's Will For Your Life," and the lesson that I worked on today was about planning to do His will.  I spend a lot of time planning for things in my life.  I plan my whole day, weeks, months - my calendar is my life - I would literally be lost without it.  I feel in control (somewhat) with it.  How much time do I spend planning to do His Will?  I spend a lot of time organizing my time, planning it all out, keeping the family schedule straight - what activity is scheduled at what time and where.  The "Jesus Calling" devotion for April 1st said this:  "Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask my Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me."   Ouch!  Our Bible Study this week reminds me that planning for quiet times, healthy food choices, meals, exercise - all are part of God's will for my life.  But I need to also remember that I can not do any of this apart from Him.  My relationship with Him lately has been somewhat stale.  If I gave any earthly relationship this little attention it would definitely waiver.  Thankfully He is a God who does not waiver and is still right there waiting for me and forgiving me of my lack of effort.  His Spirit wants to help me do better.  He wants me to cling to Him and let Him do some of the planning - follow His lead and release finger by finger that tight grip I have on my time, my schedule, my calendar, my plans.

Open Sores - In More Than One Way

I can not believe how the weather has changed so quickly!  We got sunburned sitting outside on Saturday during Evan's first baseball game.  We had to turn the a/c on and mow the grass.  It's like full fledged summer already!  The grass and trees are so pretty.  We've been working a lot on the landscaping in the backyard.  It is so therapeutic for me to go outside and pull some weeds and get my hands dirty.  Isn't that weird?  Of course now I have a huge blister on my hand - that is not so therapeutic. 

We accepted and signed an offer this past week that will allow a buyer to rent from us and then purchase the house within 9 months.  God answered our prayers, but once again it was not in our time frame and it was not the answer in the neat perfect little gift wrapped package that we expected!  When He answered our prayers after praying for years for a different job/promotion for Jeff - it wasn't exactly what we had planned to move to NC - but it was still an answer to prayer!!  And one that has been good for us!

Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.  

We did not like the idea of renting, but this is the best of both worlds for us and the buyer.  Financially we will be good - rent covering our mortgage.  And the contract that was signed is for the purchase of the home...so it is a binding contract.  While we wish it was all done and over with and we were not going to own two homes for the next 9 months, God has provided for us and He has given us peace about this decision as each little detail about this deal has worked in our favor.  Halleluiah!

Some of you know that I have had some problems lately.  I had to have an ultrasound today and they found what I 'knew' (you know when something isn't right) - two cysts on my left ovary.  One is actually 2 inches big and fluid filled.  The other is smaller, but might be the endometrioma that I had problems with 8 years ago when I was trying to get pregnant with Evan.  The doctor wants to wait 8 weeks and do another ultrasound and see what happens.  Sometimes they go away - sometimes they burst (which apparently doesn't hurt much??) - sometimes they get bigger and cause problems.  The doctor will talk to me at that time what I need to do.  So, just waiting to see.

We are excited what God is going to do through our 'new' small group.  The Life Group we joined in January had about 13-14 couples and their children in it.  Needless to say it was a little overwhelming walking in to that and not knowing anyone.  Well, the time came Sunday that the groups had to 'birth' and become two.  It is neat that all of the couples Jeff and I felt we had connected with are ones that will be in our group.  The leaders of the group are the ones that originally invited us to come and Evan and their son are on the same baseball team this season.  Pastor Rob talked about community yesterday at church - he even asked how many people didn't have family here in Charlotte - almost everyone raised their hand.  Our church family will be our family here.  It is important for us to be part of a healthy community here. Unfortunately I have already been reminded what is not healthy for us.  It grieves me to think how I am starting over completely and having to trust people who I don't know very well and are sure to let me down (because ALL humans will let us down - they are incapable of meeting my needs - only He can do that!). At this point I am going to focus on my relationship with God and His complete acceptance and love for me.  I have been very humbly reminded of my fear to be alone - to not be needed or included.  I hurt - like an open wound.  But, I admit it - that I have a need for significance - like every single one of us - and now I am going to let my Father love on me for awhile.  Very thankful for our Life Group and my Bible Study Group - no, we don't know anyone in these groups that well yet - but we know their hearts and their similar-mindedness - thankful and prayerful for what is to come with our 'family' here.  Resting in His loving arms.

Growing Up

The past few weeks have gone by quickly.  And now, it seems as though spring is here - the flowers on the trees are open, the daffodils are up, the grass is greening, and the trees are all budding.  I love this time of year!!

We had a great visit with my parents.  They stayed for a week and we enjoyed it!  My dad put up wainscoting in the dining room for me - I 'helped.'  After I painted it it looks just exactly the way I wanted it!  It makes me smile to look at it! :)

Evan has started baseball practice - his first game is next Saturday already.  He is doing so much better than last year already and his coach is really great.  It seems like baseball is a big deal here - or maybe it is just that he's a year older this year.  There are some GOOD players out there...wow.  Evan is also enjoying his after school taekwondo that he is doing.  I am helping with the program so I get to watch him each week.  It is well run.  We may have to consider continuing in it after it is over.  Emily starts soccer practice on Wednesday next week.

Unfortunately I had an accident this week.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  The police officer said it was the other driver's fault. It was interesting how all the body shops started calling and telling me that our insurance contacted them and I needed to make an appointment and come get my repairs done.  Too bad that isn't the case.  It's unfortunate how people feel the need to make money.

We had our first women's Bible study at my house on Monday.  It went well.  Three other ladies are doing it with me.  I think it is going to be great!  I am doing an Initials, Inc. party this evening for my friend Alison.  She is in my Bible study too.  I am working on some of the landscaping for around the back part of the house when I can.  It all will definitely need a lot of work.  Good thing I enjoy it.  Love going out there and working.  I'd like to paint a bit more in the house soon too.  Spring is always a busy time with the kids in sports though, so not sure how much more I will get done.  We are so excited to have Jason, Robyn, AJ, and Jillian visiting in just a few weeks and then Chris and Judy, and then my parents again, and then Tyrone, Lynette, and their family for a day! 

Jeff and I continue to pray for guidance, discernment, and to do His will.  We have had 38 showings on our home.  It is constant battle to remain trusting and have faith that His plan is best.  He is growing us though.  And I am glad that we are here.  What an adventure this has been already.  And how we are growing in our faith through this!  We are also growing up - not being right near our parents has helped us with this.  Not that we enjoy not being near them!!  But now that we are...we are forced to 'grow up.'  Seems silly to say when we have been married for 13 years, have two kids, and are 35 years old!  

I definitely have felt closer to the kids and Jeff recently.  I will look at the kids and just try to freeze time for a bit.  I love watching Evan crawl around on the floor with his cars still - I love that he still plays.  But then my heart jumps for joy when I see him doing so much better with baseball this year - actually trying to catch the balls and doing it!  I want to slow time down with Emily who is so pretty and will come out of her room after spending some time getting dressed, doing her hair, getting stuff together in her purse, putting on perfume, and some glittery face stuff...wow...when did that happen?  I went to tuck her in this week and she had used some new shampoo.  It reminded me of the scent she had as a baby.  I just kept kissing her and wanted to snuggle up with her!!  It's good to stop and cherish where they are right now and chisel it into my memories.  Jeff and I are leaning on each other a lot too.  While we are making friends here - we've only been here a few months.  It is hard to not have the friendships like we did in Indiana.  It will come, we must have patience...and I guess in the mean time...I will continue to pour into the three people who matter the most anyway.