A Season of Healing

My mother-in-law just told me yesterday that she's heard that you should expect one week recovery time for every day spent in the hospital.  She told me this after I turned the keys over and she drove me home after we shopped at two stores and I was ready to fall over.

In November I started having severe pelvic pain.  My doctor was perplexed after an exam and ruling out a few things.  It persisted for a few weeks so she ordered a CT scan.  She called me with the results which showed several ovarian cysts and a 'spot' on my small intestines which might want to be looked at but 'was most likely nothing.'  A consult to a GI doctor was made which led to setting up a colonoscopy - just to get a look since my grandmother had colon cancer.  A consult with a GYN led to an ultrasound of my ovaries and news that the cysts were resolving on their own - good news.

In the mean time, I figured out that the lump that I'd had in my groin that ached was most likely a hernia - thank you Google - you'd think that nursing school would have clued me in!  My doctor set me up with a general surgeon consult.  When Dr. Matthews walked in the room, he and Jeff hit it off since they both attended Indiana University and grew up in Indiana. I think I disappointed them when they had to stop talking about the Colts embarrassing loss and get on with the appointment.  Dr. Matthews' conclusion: Yes, I have an inguinal hernia.  Yes, it would be best to get it repaired. But then, he asked what had been told to us about the CT scan and asked why I had it done.  I told him that I was having a colonoscopy later that week but they had all said 'it's probably nothing.'  He burst our bubble right there and said, no...that is something there...some kind of growth - probably on the outside of the bowel but in the wall of the bowel.  He mentioned a few things that it could be but wanted to wait and see if the GI doctor saw anything inside of the bowel.  So, we left knowing that the colonoscopy was more of a necessity than we thought.

The colonoscopy was uneventful...yes, the prep is as bad as everyone says it is.  The GI doctor saw the area during the procedure and agreed with Dr. Mathews that something was on the outside of the small intestines right where it hooks to the large intestines.  They talked.  Dr. Matthews called me and suddenly we were talking about the possibility of a bowel resection - cutting a section out and sewing it back together...and a long hospital stay.  He mentioned the scary "C" word (cancer) this time when he went over the list of what it 'could' be.  Surgery was scheduled.

I woke up on that afternoon to learn that the 3 1/2 hour surgery led to him and his team seeing the tumor - which looked much like a carcinoma - and proceeding with a right hemicolectomy -removal of a portion of the small bowel, the ascending part of the large intestines, the appendix and some lymph nodes.  Oh - and they repaired my hernia, too.  The tumor had pretty much eaten up the entire appendix and was attached in the bowel wall.  They sent it all to pathology with a promise to know something in 5 or so days.  Recovery in the hospital was hard, but I did it. Lots of nausea and bloating and pain and shots and weird things happening to my body.  No food for 6 days, no appetite, lots of talking about gas and poop.  Fun times.  On the third day Dr. Matthews came in and said 'we got the pathology report back early.  It was an endometrioma and completely benign.'  And the rejoicing began.  6 days after surgery, I went home.

Is anyone still reading?  That was a lot of technical, medical information.  As I think back over the past 7 or 8 months, struggling through depression and the work that I did in counseling to try to heal emotionally...the steps I've been taking to dig in deeper with God and become healthier spiritually... Apparently my body also had some physical ailments that needed attention and healing.

Our bodies are amazing...intricate.  I find it crazy that my physician could separate apart all of that goop inside of me and cut the right parts out and sew the right parts back together. I couldn't tell one part from another when we dissected cats in college!  But my doctor obviously knows the inside of the body well.  I trusted him completely.  God the Physician, God the Healer...He knows my body even better.  He knows every cell, every hair, every drop of blood, every tear, every time my mind is sick, every part that needs healing, every part that is broken.

This is obviously a season for me - a season of healing.  I'm struggling, 15 days after surgery, to accept this.  I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm bruised, I'm swollen, and my mind isn't healthy again.  As much as the doctor 'fixed me'...I'm still so broken and in need of fixing. I trusted God that my doctor would take care of what was wrong with my organs...now, I need to trust that my Doctor will take care of the rest of the mending and heal me.  And maybe I could be patient while He does this.  But I'm so tired. I'm tired of not being well...for 7 months I've not been myself and I've been in pain - whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual - pain.  

Jesus is here to bind our brokenness.  He is that soothing balm for our pain.  If we were not sick we wouldn't look to our Physician. If we were not lost we would not need a Savior.

Jesus, let me praise You and remember You. Come and heal me of ALL my diseases...renew my joy! Satisfy my desire to be healthy again and light a fire in my heart for bringing You glory. Amen.

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.  Psalm 103:1-5

Image courtesy of taoty at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm Being Rebuilt

Last time I posted was in August.  I just reread my blog post and see that the signs of depression were there already.  In mid-September, for no particular circumstantial reason, I was hit with the most paralyzing depression I've ever experienced.  I've battled it a few times in my past...but this time was different.  It was an all-consuming, dark, quicksand-like muck that I got stuck in and it stripped me of my 'self' quicker than I realized what was happening.  It's hard to explain to anyone who has never experienced it, but I'll try.

It is to have a physical pain that hurts so badly, but you can't quite pinpoint exactly where it hurts...mostly your heart.  It just hurts.  It's dark.  And it makes you want to cry out...but you don't have the energy to cry out, so you just lay down.  And hide.  But...then you have a lot of time, unless you're blessed with the escape of sleep.  And time is the enemy because within that empty time the demons, seeing that the armor is laying on the floor next to you, walk right up to you and sink their teeth in.  The accuser, the deceiver of this world, does his thing and brings to mind every failure, rejection and negative thought you've ever had...and whispers them til you agree...'Yes, yes, I am those things.'  Auto-piloting through the things you can't get out of, canceling the other things.  Things that normally bring joy you just don't do.  Everything seems fuzzy, what truths you had clung to are now just out of grasp and you don't have the energy or desire to grab on to them.  'I'm defeated...I'm so sad.  I don't want to be here anymore.  I can't pray.'  So much sadness, so much hurt but unable to cry and release it.  The feeling of being all alone is overwhelming.  The truth that many love you and want to help you sinks in the mud and the lie of loneliness and rejection rules.

NOT a good spot.  Very scary.  That was mid September.  I visited my doctor immediately, pleading for her to fix me now...and I received some medicine.  Which is great, but it takes 4 or so weeks to take effect.  I had amazing support from family and friends who checked in on me constantly.  I did not want to talk, but the effort was appreciated.  I can not say enough about the friends who 'loved at all times' during this...when I was un-engaged, unmotivated and not fun in any way.  It was probably the hardest for Jeff who couldn't help me, which is what he always wants to do.  With the help of a Christian counselor and the medicine, I started to get back to a level of functioning, one where when the sadness came I could cry at least and work through it.  Not the best, but do-able.

Since then I have been on quite a journey.  Medicines are not quite right and have been changed several times.  Counseling has been hard - very taxing.  But I already see that the reward and payoff is going to be great.  Because of the illness of depression I sought out counseling...but through this I received the opportunity to spend some time looking at who I am.  Typically you don't spend time in deep self-introspection and dissection, uncovering stuff that is 'just fine' buried under all the layers.  I see it now.  I've looked at why I am this way or that way.  I've cried, I've mourned, I've connected dots, I've wished, I've explored, I've shamed myself, I've hated myself, I've asked for forgiveness, I've forgiven, I've loved and I'm allowing others to love me.

And now, I am at a turning point.  I think. (I keep slipping on the side of the pit...soon I'll be away from it.)  God and I have scooped out of me every habit, hurt, hang-up, memory, experience, characteristic, etc - it's all sitting on a table in front of me.  Even many of the things that I'd worked on in the past seemed to only have been patched and the patches were chipping and curling off.  And now, I am ready.  And I will become me.  The beloved daughter that He wants me to be, the person I long to be.  The parts that He wants back in, we'll put back in, some will need to be thrown out, some will need to be replaced or toned down.  I'm being rebuilt...made more like Him.

I'm starting with what I know is in me and can't be taken out - the Spirit...and I'm acknowledging Him.  He is IN me, actually IN me.  All that time that I was so miserable He felt it too, He wept with me.  Now and always, His power is available to me.  His truth is in me.  Who He says I am is a part of me - the foundation that I want to build upon.  The Fruit of the Spirit is in me:  love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

I'm learning a few things as I'm getting ready to rebuild.  I'm not going to be constructed overnight.  In fact, I will not be finished until I meet Him face to face.  Habits and defense mechanisms and chains have been with me for 38 years.  So, I must give myself grace when I slide.  And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  Philippians 1:6

I absolutely must put on the armor each day.  Satan has seen what he did to me and knows my weaknesses.  He will not win though.  But he's still going to try.  Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8

The mind is where the battle is...I fail regularly in the area of taking my thoughts captive...but I have to keep trying.  Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Romans 12:2

Rebuilding is not something I can do.  It's mostly about me becoming a vessel for the Holy Spirit to flow in and through.  It's about letting go of control and the hope to do things perfectly.  It's about submitting fully to Him and His plan, His timing, His control - trust.  It's about Faith.  As I read the title of my blog:  "Never Say Never: My Faith Journey".  I figure that my story can re-start right here at this point in my life.  It always comes down to Faith it seems:

        "Do I believe you God?"

                                     "Do I trust You?"

Welcome back to my faith journey.  Yes, I've taken quite a few months off from writing, but it's time now.  One thing that gets taken off the table today and put back in to me - Expressing myself through the therapy of writing.

I waffled on whether or not to share all of this.  I'm embarrassed.  I shouldn't be.  Why is this disease such a taboo topic?  I know it is hard to support someone who is constantly emotionally draining.  And it may seem as though those who are depressed aren't trying to get better and are just wallowing around.  Maybe some don't put forth effort in healing, but for me it was like trying to get out of a pit that had been rubbed down with Crisco...it is frustrating and seemed impossible at times.  It really stinks though that it's easier and more comfortable and not as messy to support someone who has had a heart attack or a broken bone.

If you know someone who is depressed and you don't know how to support them:  send a card, send flowers, bring a meal or a dessert, give them a hug or several - every time you see them, drop them a text - all you have to say - "I'm praying for you. This won't last forever." All that stuff goes so far even though it doesn't seem like much.

I realize that there is a possibility with me posting this for the world to see that someone might think I'm weak and won't try to understand...I am okay with that.  I'm picking up another few things off of the table and putting them in me - I want to continue to be real, open, honest, genuine, and approachable.  I still want others to feel like they aren't alone.  And one that I've not been so good at but I'm putting in me - I am going to be okay if someone doesn't like me over this or something else.  Not everyone is going to like me.  I will let go of the unrealistic striving for everyone to be happy with me constantly.  Thus, I will share these things.  This is me.  This is part of my story of growing in faith and the beginning of the rebuilding of me.  

There is hope.  Especially with Jesus' help.  He is our hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.  Romans 15:13

Taking a Break from the What-If's

I was reflecting yesterday about howI used to spend large amounts of time worrying about things that had already happened.  Like...how I could have reacted differently in situations.  Or I replayed hurtful words from others over and over in my mind.  I was stuck in the past and was wasting time and energy on things that I could not change.  Over the past years I've gotten a handle on this with God's help, not to say I don't find myself dwelling on the past at times, but I'm not wasting away my years by obsessing about the past.  I'm moving on, confident of the hope in Jesus, forgiveness and grace lavished by Him...

So why did I start thinking about what I used to do?  Because I found it kind of weird that now I'm doing the opposite - I'm worrying about the future instead of the past.  Recently I've found myself throwing large amounts of time toward thinking about and planning out future scenarios - how things are going to play out...I'm not exactly obsessing or myself sick on it, but I'm spending a lot of time thinking about it..and worrying about how things will work out and all the details it will ensue - being the planner (aka control freak) that I am!

“You can’t worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you’ll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can’t worship God and Money both.

“If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds. 

“Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.  (Matthew 6:24-34, The Message)

This passage (I know, it's long, but it's SO good in The Message version!  Don't you agree?)  I've read many times and it just came to mind.   Well, the last verse is actually what came to mind - and I had to google it because I couldn't remember where it was.  But the first verse about not being able to serve two masters/gods is interesting...it mentions money but you can replace it with anything - in this certain case -- 'my own control' must be my god...  Ouch.  Jeff and I both had job interviews in December and we've not heard anything yet.  I have planned out/played out every scenario in my head of what happens if and when or if not and is it right or wrong?  Yet, we've not been offered anything yet.  And just this week there has been a buzz about school redistricting.  We moved into this particular neighborhood because of the schools that our children would attend.  We are on the line of moving to a different school - which would still be a good school, but not nearly as acclaimed as where we are.  This also could cause our house value to plummet.  The school board has not revealed which neighborhoods will be affected - this will happen next week.  But, of course, I'm scouring the numbers that they have released, researching the potential schools we may end up at and thinking through all of the things this might mean for us.  So...much of my last week or so has been useless.  Useless in the sense that all those thoughts I've had could have been filled with prayer for us or others or praise for what God has done or is doing.  I can not do a thing by getting worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow.  None of us are even promised tomorrow.

The part in the above scriptures "What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving."  I need to hear that!  Relax!  I can look to the future and be prepared and see if there is any action I can take, but beyond that - the thinking and worrying -- it's useless.  I'm worshiping 'my own control' instead of turning these situations over to God who has complete control and knows my future.  Do I trust Him with it?  I know I sure do make a mess out of things often when on my own.  And so many times my knee-jerk reaction of what I think we need is not really the best for us.  He promises to be there to help me when hard things come.  I trust Him, but I need help with my unbelief, Jesus!!  So, what am I doing with today?  Am I wasting it by dwelling on the 'what if's' or the past?  If so, then I'm unavailable to be used by Him.  Today I choose to fill my mind with praise that God has me in the palm of His hand, He has good plans for us and He will be there in hard times.  I choose to fill my mind with prayers of 'how do you want to use me today for your purposes, God?  I choose right now...this moment...not yesterday or tomorrow...and I relax.

Image courtesy of dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The God of Every Story

He's the God of every story.  2013...I have friends who this year have lost a parent or a baby.  I have friends who have separated from their spouses.  I have friends who have gotten diagnoses that were unexpected.  Friends who have lost a job and their income.  Those are big things.  Hard things.  God is in the middle of those things...and He is carrying them - or He's available to carry them if they choose to let Him.

In a county outside of Charlotte on December 1st, a man, Marcus, was shot in the head when he arrived home while burglars were there.  His wife, pregnant with their first child, and family updated their facebook page, 'Praying for Marco,' with this on Friday after they had to make the decision to take him off of life support:  "Marcus burst into heaven at 12:52 p.m. Our loss is so painful, but we know this was gain for Marcus. Tears and grief are eased by the gentle hand of God, holding us, carrying us, wiping our tears. 'As for God, His way is perfect.'"  What a testimony to so many...He's the God of every story.

What about the friends who have a child who has left home for college or military, whose kids are rebelling, a parent in poor health, who have struggled with physical pain, who are trying to determine whether to go back to work or not, who have wrestled with anxiety or depression this year..  What about those who feel like there just isn't a way that ends are going to meet?  Every single thing we go through...we can trust Him.

At the beginning of the month, I was blessed to be able to go to a girl's night out that Renee Swope and Laura Story were at.  Laura sang a song that really made me think a lot.  "God of Every Story" has examples of real people woven through it. (click on the title to hear it)  It also talks about Laura's husband, Martin, and his brain tumor diagnosis seven years ago.  She sings, "You're the God of every story, You see each tear that falls.  We may not understand but one thing is certain.  You are faithful, You are faithful."  As she gives example after example and I sit and think over my friends and acquaintances and what they've faced this year alone.  What Jeff and I've faced this year.  I know for certain... "His ways are higher than we could ever comprehend.  When our world is shaking,  He holds us in the palm of His hand."  It is frustrating beyond belief sometimes that we don't have understanding of 'why' things that happen happen.  But faith is faith because we don't have all the answers!

This morning at church, Pastor Geoffrey taught out of Isaiah 7.  God sent Isaiah to tell Ahaz, who was scared because of the circumstances around him,  "‘Be careful, keep calm and don’t be afraid. Do not lose heart." (Isaiah 7:4)  And in 7:9 God says, "If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all."  God then says that He will send Ahaz a sign...verse 7:14 says, "Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."  Immanuel means 'God with us.'  God has given each and every one of us a sign that He loves us and is with us - that He is the God of every one of our stories.  Jesus.  Because of Him, we have hope.  We can believe and trust that there is more.  More than this.  We have hope.  Even through the pain and the tears and hurts of this life...we have a hope - His name is Jesus...and in Him we have eternal life in community with the Creator of the universe and all other believers, in a place (heaven) where there will be no tears or pain or hurts.

If your story isn't going the way you thought it would...if you are scared or frustrated.  Ask Jesus to be with you.  Let Him know that you need Him, that you can't do this life without Him.  That you are sorry for trying to do it on your own.  And allow His power to enter in and guide you as your story in this life plays out and you draw nearer to eternity.  Celebrate the gift of Jesus, Immanuel, 'God with us' in your story.

Image courtesy of digidreamgrafix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Merry Christmas from the Kissels!

Dear Family and Friends,

Wow!  Has it been another year?  I can hardly believe the end of 2013 is approaching!  As you think of a tree, this year has been one of sending down roots and growing outward for our family.  We were planted here in North Carolina 2 1/2 years ago now.  The ties and stakes have been taken off and our surroundings have become home.  Here is the 2013 Kissel Family Update:

We began the year owning two homes still!  But in March we were so excited to end that 19 month trial in our lives and close on the sale of our Indiana home.  God was still in every detail of our move here - even though our house didn't sell quickly.  He used this time to grow each one of us in our faith and trust of Him as Provider, to teach us a little about His timing, patience, and to be generous - as others had been to us.  It was not a fun time, but we are better for going through it.

This summer we were able to take a fun family vacation to the Outer Banks in North Carolina.  First we took a small? detour up the coast to Delaware to see our friend Scott.  We visited Dogfish Head Brewery, ate blue crab, walked the boardwalk at Rehoboth Beach, and saw wild ponies at Assateauge Island, Maryland.  We also drove under the ocean in the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.  Eek.  The Outer Banks were perfect - just sitting on the beach listening to the waves.  Jeff and I snuck out early one morning and watched the sunrise.  We saw the Wright Brothers museum, Roanoke Island, and one of the many lighthouses.

Jeff and I spent a night in Asheville, North Carolina after dropping the kids off in Indiana this summer to spend a week with the grandparents.  We visited several microbrews and did some shopping and driving on the Blue Ridge Parkway in the mountains.






In August we were blessed with an unexpected trip to Hilton Head Island for a few days.  Again, the family enjoyed the beach...until Evan was stung by a jelly fish many times and minutes later sharks were sighted in that same area!  We enjoyed the pools after that!  This trip was one of relaxing, but we did eat at The Salty Dog Cafe - which you can't not do while there.  Beautiful island...wonderful memories.


Miss Emily turned 11 in February, got braces in April, and 'graduated' grade school in June.  She started middle school in August and didn't skip a beat... adjusting within a week.  She started band this year, taking after her mama and playing the flute - quite well I might add.  She is enjoying her Cadette Girl Scout troop this year...it's almost cookie time - you'll be hearing from her soon!  She also is loving Wednesday night youth group at church - there are many other sixth grade girls and they are doing a great job building wonderful relationships with each other.

Little Evan turned 9 in May.  He is finding that third grade is a little more serious and is learning how to put forth his best effort in everything he does.  He...and thus Jeff... joined cub scouts this fall.  So far the boys are enjoying this time together.  They've even gone tent camping..something I never thought I'd see Jeff do.


Jeff still enjoys rooting on his Hoosiers...we meet people from Indiana here often because he's always sporting his swag.  Still my chef, baker, joker, and love of my life...can't imagine life without him.  This year he and some buddies started a podcast, Charlotte Beercast, which is a 'talk show' about craft beer.  He's enjoyed this and getting to know the Charlotte brewers.  This fall Jeff and I launched a new Life Group and have been so blessed already as we've grown to love these five other families.  Jeff spent a weekend somewhere in the NC mountains being manly this fall for a men's retreat and had a great time too.

In January I began cleaning homes a few times a week and have continued to all year long - it's been a blessing for us and I've met some special families through this!  Still involved at school, but not as much. This year I've loved getting more plugged into our church family this year - through a leadership group, a Bible study, our Life Group and serving I've made some awesome sister friends.  Around August it was like a switch was flipped for me and I suddenly found myself feeling completely at home here as the mourning was over!  In October I shared up on stage for about twenty minutes during a women's event...willingly - If you knew me in high school - that is a shocker! ;)  It was a neat experience, allowing God to work through me.  I'm still enjoying writing my blog (which now that you've found your way here I invite you to keep up with us here all year!), crafting and landscaping when I have the time.

This year has been filled with highs and lows...obviously I've written all about the good parts of 2013 and left out the melt downs, bad attitudes, hurts, tears and pain.  Please don't be fooled into thinking our life is perfect.  Our circumstances aren't always good ones, but we have hope and joy in our Lord Jesus Christ. Our attitudes aren't always good ones, but we have forgiveness because of Jesus.

One day He will arrive to gather us home...we hope and pray that you have accepted Jesus as your Savior. Time is short.  As we celebrate this season, take some time to think about Who we are celebrating.  He gave us a way out..a replacement...someone else to pay for what we've done.  Why?  Because He loves you and wants to save you.  As you think on these truths, please contact us if you have questions about them.  Celebrate and sing, "Joy to World, The Lord has Come!" and enjoy the moments of 2014!

Love,
Jeff, Amy, Emily, and Evan

You'll Come!

Seems like as of late, I carry around in my head a tune - it is a constant song in there...and it is typically a song that we sing praising the Lord at church the prior weekend.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  So, having a good, true, and lovely song stuck in my head is a good thing!  I just hope that my kids don't start singing "What Does The Fox Say" and mess my peaceful head up!

This week it is "You'll Come" by Hillsong.  This morning I sat down and looked at the lyrics closely and it was such a comfort and reminder to me in this season.

The first words in the song - "I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."  - Yup, need to work on this.  Still.  We seem to always need to be reminded to be patient and wait on the Lord's timing.  Why do we always try to do it ourselves.  We've got it.  We know best. Scoot over, because I'm in a bad spot and I want my way - NOW!

"We are not shaken, We are not moved, We wait upon you Lord."  - Again, I don't want to sound like things are bleak and hopeless, but the season that our family is in is not a pleasant one.  And as I look around and listen to prayer requests from our brothers and sisters, I see the pain and struggles that others are shouldering right now.  Wow.  This life is not fun sometimes, right?  As a friend reminded me gently yesterday, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:2, emphasis added).  One of these years I hope to get better at walking above our circumstances - to be like the tree that is rooted by a stream whose leaves never wither with drought. (Psalm 1:3).  I'm certain we will continue to have opportunities in the remaining years on earth to exercise this skill of being content in all circumstances and not letting the circumstances bring us down - and not being bitter or surprised when things aren't going smoothly.  He says we will pass through rivers and walk through fire, but He tells us plainly that we will not be hurt by the outside chaos around us (IF we have our eyes on Him and not on that chaos.)  Blink long.  Refocus.

This song talks a lot about waiting for the Lord - and I am relating it to our preset situation that we don't necessarily want to be in...BUT, I think that the overall message is we're waiting on His perfect timing for Jesus to come back and gather His sheep up.  "As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, Certain as the dawn appears, You'll Come."  "Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.  You'll come, you'll come."  -Ahh!  A begging to God to rain His Spirit down and overflow our parched hearts...again.  To be filled to overflowing, flooded.  Yes, please.  It makes it all better.  Like I said, man, this life is hard...for so many.  This song is so encouraging to me- so much hope...He is worth having our hope in and He will come!  We must have faith that He will respond to us (answer us) and fill us up while we are living life here - sometimes feeling as we're barely hanging on.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17)

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

So, while we are here.  Rejoice that we have a hope and an eternal glory!  Have faith.  He'll come.  This too shall pass.  Share the good news...there's something better than this...

"Chains be broken, Lives be healed, Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed."

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Christ Alone; Cornerstone

Christ alone; Cornerstone,

Weak made strong; in the Savior's love

Through the storm,

He is Lord, Lord of all.

This has been playing in my head since Sunday morning when we sang it at church.  It's a powerful song. Click on the words to hear it!  But I also wondered a bit about what I was singing.  What is a cornerstone?  A cornerstone is a stone at the corner of a building uniting two intersecting walls.  Such a stone, often inscribed, laid at a ceremony marking the origin of a building.  It was very important in ancient days - being a large stone, the beginning of the structure, that held up the whole building.  So, that stone had utmost importance - everything else was dependent on it being correct and strong.

I love analogies/word pictures.  I love the picture of us (weak stones) held up and made strong by Jesus, who is of utmost importance, correct, strong, level, the origin of us.  The storm called life is blowing all around us, but that Cornerstone will support us.  We can completely depend on Him.  He is our Rock, our Love, our Shelter, our All.

Recently I, and many others, have noticed how 'under attack' Christianity and the church is.  Is the attack getting worse or are we getting worse?  Probably both.

Paul wrote, "There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” (2 Tim. 3:1-5)   

Paul also warned, “For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear.” (2 Tim. 4:3).

We are here for a short time.  Now is the time to link arms with our brothers and sisters in Christ, lay aside our emotions which can not be trusted, believe that Christ is our Cornerstone supporting us in the storm, and run this race together until the day of His return .

"Together, we are his house, built on the foundation of the apostles and the prophets. And the cornerstone is Christ Jesus himself. We are carefully joined together in him, becoming a holy temple for the Lord."  (Eph.2:20 NLT, bold type mine)

 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Heb 10:23-25)

Image courtesy of George Stojkovic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Reflections on a Small Part of God's Creation

We had a great time on the beach in the Outer Banks over the past few days.  Each time I've been to the beach recently, I am more and more in awe of God's amazing creation and just how big He is!

The way the waves just continue coming...over and over and over...and don't stop.  The quantity of itty bitty grains of sand on one beach...the way it feels on your bare feet.  The vastness of the water.  The continuous breeze and the sound of the water - the waves crashing.  The colors, the sounds, the smells, the emotions that make the 'real world' melt away...  The way the waves are SO powerful that it can totally pull you under or knock you down, even hurt when it smacks you in the back!

The trillions of grains of sand on the beach reminds me how He knows how many hairs are on my head and I don't doubt at all that He knows how may grains of sand are on the beach - He is all knowing.  It is purely amazing.  Psalm 139:17-18 (NIV) says, "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them, Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I am awake, I am still with you." His thoughts about me are more numerous than the grains of sand!!  He thinks about me constantly!!  (and you too!) Whoa...

This visit to the beach, Jeff invited me to get up with him for the sunrise on the beach one morning.  Which, on a side note, was such a romantic thing!  We looked it up online - what time to expect the sunrise.  Of course, it listed it to the exact minute.  We have faith that the sun will rise every morning and we know the exact time to depend on it to come up.  Sitting on the beach watching the orange sun peak just over the blue horizon I was struck with the beauty of it all.  God, even more sure than the sunrise, is dependable - showing up on time.  More so than the things we have faith in here on this earth -- the seasons changing, the sun rising and setting, our next breath and heartbeat without thinking about it -- God is worthy of our faith and worthy to depend on.  He is on time.  It is nice that we can pin a time on the sunrise, the tides changing, a flight taking off (sometimes), and the beginning of the school day...but sometimes we don't know the time of events.  We don't know when we will die, or when we will conceive, or when to expect the next storm in our lives.  But God does...and He is on time.   Always...

We can try to predict the sunrise time, a storm coming, and reactions of others.  But we can't predict exactly what to expect from God.  Although He is always dependable and has proven that He can be trusted, He is God and we do not know His ways - so he is unpredictable to us.  But He is in control fully.  Unpredictable to us yet fully in control.  Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV) says, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." 

I had to sit down and reflect about the wonder and beauty of the ocean and how it allows me to draw near to God.  How it makes Him so amazing and so big in my eyes.  My hope is that I can find the same beauty and wonder in each and every day - because it is there - my eyes just need to be open and my heart needs to be looking for it.  A piece of Him - every day - every place.

This is All God. This is All God's Plan.

While listening to the radio this morning I heard the hosts talking about Kevin Ware (the Louisville basketball player who broke his leg during the game last weekend - in case you've been living under a rock.) Evidently he told CNN in an interview, "This is all God. This is all God's plan. He would never let anything happen that He wouldn't want to happen. He controls everything. Without God there is no us. This is just another situation that is going to mature me and get me to a better mindset." .......Wow!


In the past two days I've read two chapters in two different books that have focused on the hope found in verse Romans 8:28. "We know that God causes all things to work together for good." I think that the 'coincidence' that I read these chapters and heard Kevin's interview in a matter of 24 hours may be God telling me that I need to meditate on this verse and just what it means.


ALL things. ALL people. ALL tragedies, disasters, trials, illnesses, sins. Every time a door is closed - every time we are removed from a wonderful experience, like Kevin Ware, and not allowed to continue. Every thing that happens to us and around us and by us - the big things, the small things, the good and the bad. He uses it all to bless us, make us more Christlike and to bring Himself glory. If we completely believe (have faith) "that God causes all things to work together for good" then we have hope. We have comfort. We can release bitterness and anger over our circumstances. We realize that our circumstances are not an accident --there is a purpose to what is happening to us and around us. We have a reason to 'let go and let God.' We don't have to know 'why' this is happening like this - but just that He is going to work all things together for good. He is for us, not against us. It may hurt...but He meets our needs by giving us strength to get through it.


Our whole outlook on life can change. For the positive. Instead of wondering why God allowed that person to consistently grumble about the negative and talk down to us at work..know that He has a plan. He will use this for good. He allowed this to happen. And, it might, just might...not be about us. Instead of groaning in frustration that our kids are sick again and all of the plans we had for the day will have to be rescheduled, we realize that it is part of God's plan to give us rest, our children attention and extra cuddle time. Instead of falling to pieces over the loss of a job, we know that He is using this situation to grow us and our family and He has plans for good for us. We also need to remember that how we react to these circumstances in our lives is how a lot of people form their opinions on what Christianity is about.


Sometimes, stuff happens that makes us just say 'why? Why would you do that? It's so awful. They want children so badly, God..why did you let another one of their babies die? They have already lost one house, why again? Children shouldn't have to die of cancer, God! In these why moments it looks like there is really no good to come out of it... This is when we have to acknowledge our humanness and humble ourselves...and fall back on faith...trust that even though we don't have any explanation as to 'why?' and we see no 'good in this situation' - God knows what He is doing (better than us) and He promises that He will cause all things to work together for good.


And so then, with renewed strength, we go on... And when the next thing comes into our lives that challenges us, we know we are exactly where we are supposed to be, God has us in the palm of His hand, and we look at it as an opportunity to grow our faith and relationship with God. And when CNN interviews us about our challenge, we say, 'this is just another situation that is going to mature me...this is all God's plan.'

Timeless Advice

SOLD and CLOSED!

I just read our pastor's blog a bit ago and enjoyed reading a few scriptures he referenced from Deuteronomy about Moses instructing the people of Israel before they entered the promised land.  I became curious at what all Moses instructed them on, so I looked it up.  

I've compared several aspects of our journey over the past 19 months to what the Israelites experienced - constant/perfect provision from God, grumbling/complaining attitude, the need to remember what God has done for us...  So, I thought it'd be good for me to read up on what God wanted Moses to tell the Israelites after they were finally getting what they had sought after for so long.  He had quite a bit to instruct them on, but a few things stood out to me as timeless advice for us.

• Praise Him and give Him thanks!  When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Deuteronomy 8:10
• Don't forget Who got us here - Who worked it out for us.  Remember!!  Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.  Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.  He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions.  He brought you water out of hard rock.  He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you.  You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me."  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:11-18
• Worship the Lord, obey Him, love Him and serve Him.  And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?  Deuteronomy 10:12-13
• Guard against worshiping other gods - like money, relationships, things, hobbies, etc.  Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Deuteronomy 11:16
• Intentionally and regularly place the word of God in our hearts and minds and in our kids' hearts and minds.  Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-20

There's really nothing about these instructions that screams 'You-just-got-what-you-wanted-and-God-has-answered-your-prayers - you-had-better-be-on-guard!'  I wouldn't guess that we'd need to be especially on guard, but the Israelites sure were warned about a lot.  We need to take care to continue to cling to God like we have during our journey.  I can see a big exhale coming.  Relaxing...  slacking...  But we can not slack on our relationship with God...ever.  When I relax and am not diligent about guarding my heart and my mind, the devil can get in quietly and damage is done.   

In the past month while starting to relax some and waiting for our closing we have already been attacked in several ways.  We forgot His faithfulness - we started worrying.  But He quickly taught us the importance of revisiting and remembering His loving care for us.  I allowed a 'vacation' to begin once an offer was made on the house - it was unintentional, but it happened.  My reliance on Him relaxed and I wasn't diligent in my time with Him.  Slowly and quietly my mind was eaten up with lies and untruths about almost every area of my life.  Satan said, "Look here, she is relaxing, she is taking a break, and I know where I can get to her and make her ineffective for Christ.'  I was so thankful that last weekend God brought me to familiar scriptures through friends and books that He wanted me to camp on:  Philippians 4:6-9 says, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.'

So, yes, this season is ending.  Finally.  Another begins though and we will always have struggles.  Circumstances shouldn't dictate our happiness.  Our faith in God will give us joy if we allow it to.  It has been hard, but God has taught us so much while shaping us into people who reflect Him a bit more clearly.  He has sustained us. God has done great things for us and we will sing for joy!  

Remembrance - A Stack of Stones

Rocks at Dungeness Wildlife Refuge in Sequim, WA 6/17/09

It's been awhile in the making.  I can not say that I've mastered anything yet, but I can say our whole family has learned a ton.

God has allowed us to own two homes for well over a year now.  I do believe that He has wanted to teach us, grow us, and mold us.  A few weekends ago in church our pastor mentioned that myrrh does not get it's pleasing fragrance until it is crushed.  We have to be pushed and squeezed a bit in order to grow and then produce the fruit.  It sure does hurt sometimes.  But, God probably smiles that we are finally learning some of what He has wanted to open our eyes to.

As we go through the steps to prepare to close on the sale of our Indiana house in mid March, we are still learning.  But two things are glaringly obvious to us now.

1. God wants us to trust Him completely. 
2. God wants us to give generously.  

Yet these are the areas that He will continue to mold in us.  A couple weeks ago, as Jeff and I were heading to our Life Group we drove in silence.  We were both in turmoil on the inside which led to us being pretty icky to each other, too.  I was worried about the house inspection and whether it was going to cost us too much to do repairs.  And Jeff was worried about a reorganization that had happened at work and what kind of changes that would bring to him and his work environment.  We walked into group and everyone could see that we were struggling.  We didn't want to be there - we were just plain grumpy.  Everyone loved on us though and as we dove into our study on generosity and giving, Jeff began relaying the story of our journey over the past 20 months.  Each step along the way of something 'happening' to us, God in turn provided.  The way that we were convicted last February to tithe faithfully even though we had two house payments and we never turned back.  How we did not go without anything that we needed the past year.  Yes, there were some times of want and being rather tight, but we never went without.  God even taught us in the midst of things to have a heart of generosity...we still are in awe of how someone here obeyed God's nudge and gave us money in November to get our van brakes changed.  That money - a gift from someone who did not reveal themselves - changed my heart more than it provided us just extra money - although that was a blessing too!  It helped me even more in my journey of trusting God, too - it felt like it was straight from Him - "just trust Me, guys," He said.  We hogged the conversation at our group for quite a time remembering and revisiting God's faithfulness along the way.  By the end of group, we were cracking up and joking around, the weight had been lifted.  And we were wondering why we were not trusting God with these little things when we can share about how He has taken care of us so intimately for years and years.

The power of remembrance is amazing.  God made us and He gave us the ability to recall certain times - our memories.  Some hurt, some are so precious.  Memories are so powerful - so much emotion wrapped up in them when they are recalled - you can be whisked away back to that time and place in a blink of an eye.  When we take the time to tell our stories or really think through and visit memories of times when God was faithful - our faith in Him and our relationship with Him is strengthened.  We are renewed, re-energized  and strength is given to us.  We look at the history of the relationship and find that He is to be trusted, He won't leave us or forsake us. He will provide for those who love Him.  I'm sure it is the last thing that the devil wants of us - to remember how faithful and true God is.  He wants us to go with how we 'feel' in the moment - and turn around and go home and not go to Life Group (which is the only thing that we did discuss on that quiet ride to group.)  The devil wants us to wallow in our worries.  Just like the Israelites who witnessed many miracles and acts of faithfulness by God and continued to grumble and complain and worry that God was not going to provide - Jeff and I were reverting back to our human-ness. 

I never want to forget this experience we've had, witnessing His loving care and provision - His faithfulness, over these past months.  I never want it to be far from my mind.  It comforts me.  I want to revisit this in order to build my faith in Him.  I want to share it in order to help other's faith in Him.  In Joshua 4:20-24 Joshua stacked stones in order to serve as a reminder of God's faithfulness.  Hanging on our fridge, is the card that the anonymous gift of money came in - to serve as one of the reminders of His faithfulness to us - our little stack of stones.

Joshua 4:20-24  And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan.  He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their parents, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.'  For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over.  The LORD your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over.  He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."

Let Me Be Singing When The Evening Comes!

Movin' right along - last week of January already.  It's proving to be a colder winter in North Carolina than it was last year.  We've all been immersed in our 'stuff.'  Life.  Although it is slower than it could be!  The kids not participating in any winter sports has left us with more evenings at home and free weekends.  We've discovered Duck Dynasty as a family and found some good board games.  I've taken lots of long hot bubble baths to stay warm while Charlotte has seen two Winter Weather Advisories!  Jeff's stayed warm making chili for two different chili cook-off contest.  We saw a Charlotte Bobcats game thanks to a coworker handing Jeff some tickets.  Evan had his Young Author's Day at school.  We've done some crafts and painted the man cave.  Jeff and Evan took in Monster Jam and Emily and I went to a Girl Scout Bingo night.  It's been a nice, slow January enjoying my favorite people.

I'm not sure if my eyes are just more open to seeing how God blesses us over and over or if we are just being so much more blessed lately.  Most likely the former.  

After spending six months actively looking for and applying for per diem nursing jobs and getting nowhere after the interviews, Jeff and I were kind of at a loss.  We continued to cry out to God wondering what He was doing - we need the extra money, I was taking steps to get jobs, and He was closing doors.  In late December someone I am friends with on facebook, but had only spoken to once at church, posted that she needed someone to clean her house occasionally and needed suggestions of who to use.  I quickly sent her a message telling her how I cleaned for my grandpa regularly and a few friends occasionally in Indiana and I'd love to do her house.  After discussing the details, I got off of the phone completely elated, completely praising God for the opportunity.  That, in turn made me start wondering - is this something that I could pursue and fit perfect into my schedule with the kids, Lord?  I sent an email to all of the friends I've made here.  I posted on the church women's page.  Within a day I had another couple from church who wanted me to come and clean every week!  Still looking for a few more.

I really do think that if I could work full-time I would be able to get one of the nursing jobs here - they would feel more comfortable re-training me.  Right now though...God has closed the door...for this season.  Yes, I think I might be a little sad about that.  But I'm even more thrilled about the opportunity which God provided at just the right time, one that helps us financially, and fits into my schedule perfectly.  

In July 2011 (no, that's not a typo!) we put our house up for sale in Indiana. Since that time, it's been for sale, leased-to-own ending in a broken contract, for sale again, and then a few months back some friends contacted us wanting to rent our home from us while their new home is being built.  It was perfect timing.  We would be able to take the house off the market for awhile during the market slump and the winter months.  We'd have our mortgage covered through spring!  I can not even tell you how much of a blessing it is that Scott and Lori have been in our house!  Did we want it to sell?  Yes.  We still do.  But...God provided just what we needed - and I'm positive He will continue to.

Our house will be going back up for sale on February 1st...with our friends wanting very much to make the house look perfect to show for us while they are there.  We will be able to have it for sale AND have our mortgage covered for a few months!  God has used this thorn in our side - the selling of our home - as a way to grow us in our faith.  We have had to throw up our hands and let Him have it, trusting Him in His timing, His plan, and His provision.

I can't believe we've lived here for a year and a half.  What a journey it's been.  I am excited to have joined a women's Bible study group and also a leadership group with 9 other women who I already know God has great things planned for.  Jeff is getting ready to start up with a men's group and we still do our couple's group too.  Jeff is considering HOA involvement, while I'm tossing around some more PTO involvement for next year.  I am thankful for what He is providing in these areas - connection and growth.  

I hope that months from now I can still say I'm thankful for what God is doing.  No matter what He does - what the circumstances are - we can still have joy.  We can still praise Him.  He works everything together for our good.  I am thankful for seeing where He is working and being able to point it out and claim it!  Part of the song,  10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord, O my soul) by Matt Redman, says "The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning; It's time to sing Your song again; Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me; Let me be singing when the evening comes!"

My prayer for the coming months of house drama - Whatever may pass...let me be singing when the evening comes, Lord!

Merry Christmas from the Kissel Family!

Dear Family and Friends,

It's been a fun year of 'getting our feet under us' in our new area, grieving the loss of old, and enjoying the excitement of new!  We are happy to say that God has been blessing us richly with good friends and feelings of being 'at home' in North Carolina!  We may not have everything we want or desire, but He provides for what we need!  Here is the 2012 Kissel Family update - which we just know that you’ve been waiting for!

We have enjoyed our new church home - we've gotten involved and have met a lot of awesome people.  We’ve been so excited to host many of our ‘old’ friends and our family in our home this year - so many fun memories have been made!  We’d love to have you stay with us if you are out this way!  We've explored a bit around this area and hope to do more in the coming year.  

The whole family is growing in faith and patience, as we still own our Indiana home.  Amy has been actively applying for jobs since the summer with no offers.  Even though things haven’t panned out exactly as we thought they would here - we are still undoubtedly here for a reason that God has not revealed to us yet.  We’re thankful that He has given us peace about being here, when everything else is an unknown to us it seems.  We are enduring.  God is a rock to lean on in times of trouble.  He has helped us through.  Try Him  out if you haven't! ;)

Emily has played more seasons of soccer and enjoys her junior girl scout troop.  She enjoyed a weekend retreat for kids from her Sunday school recently and was baptized on December 2nd!  Emily's sweet and adventurous spirit and pretty smile is going to knock some boys off of their feet.  Fifth grade is upon us and she will soon be going to middle school.  We don't know where time has gone as she approaches her eleventh birthday.

Evan has continued to play baseball and enjoys playing with his legos and his friends.  Always active!  He is a good student in the second grade and always has a smile, a joke, a laugh, a hug, a compliment, or a fart for you!

Jeff spends a bit of time driving to and from work, but has done a great job with his team and still enjoys his job - most days.  He is co-leading our LifeGroup and got to assistant coach Em’s soccer team this year.  Flies his IU flag on his truck proudly and has some stellar Hoosier pride in this Tarheel State!  Still cooking, baking, smoking, grilling, and trying new beers! 

Amy does mom and wife and friend stuff mostly- which is exactly what she loves to do!  She has continued to blog about her thoughts and experiences since we moved - www.evansvillekissels.blogspot.com Still passionate about connecting women together to other women in order that all feel the love of Jesus - you are not alone!  Whether that is through lunches, or groups, or get-togethers, or school functions, or ministries - she loves it!  

We truly hope that your family is well - in all ways!
Have a blessed and Holy Christmas!
Jeff, Amy, Emily, and Evan

Never Say Never

I have spent over a year pouring out my heart about my spiritual journey as we have made the transition to a new life in North Carolina.  For many years now I have enjoyed writing and sharing small devotions and encouraging others.  I've made a few changes to my blog and I hope to reach more people.  I invite you to 'follow' my blog, subscribe to updates, leave comments/questions, and share it with your friends.  I am human...I am imperfect - I promise to humbly share my heart and what God is doing in me - you in turn, won't feel alone and can say, 'I'm glad I'm not the only one!'

Faith - It Ain't Easy!

We are on the verge of a big change, not sure what it is.  I've not felt this 'unsettled' since before we got the call to move to Charlotte.  I am confused, yet He is making my path pretty clear.  The confusion is just basically not understanding what He is doing.  But who said we need to understand it.   He has closed door after door for me with jobs thus far.  He has made clear our budget and what we can and can not do.

The Right Door & The Good in Every Situation

Where should I start?  I know I need to write and try to figure out some 'truths.'  My mind is swirling like the leaves in the dreary, windy, cool, gray day today.  

I have told many of you over the last few weeks, "my heart is at home still, but I am willing to do what I need to for my family and go where God leads me."  I guess I'm having a hard time as to where God is leading - I know I need to sit back and remain faithful. Sit back - as in BE PATIENT. Nothing new here.  But I also know that I need to continue having action with my faith - continue trying - continue pursuing other ideas, etc. 

Dwelling on Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him
and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

These are the very first verses that made sense to me and brought me comfort 15ish years ago when Jeff took me to church with him. I ripped it out of the bulletin in the old sanctuary at CFC that day and took it back to college with me, pinning it on my bulletin board.  This passage was tucked into Pastor Kevin's message yesterday at church and was the 'one thing' I needed to hear - making sense and bringing me comfort again.  I need to dwell here this week. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  To trust means to believe in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of something/someone.  What do I truly trust in with all my heart - without abandon - childlike - completely - with my full being/passion/everything I am?  That's a pretty big claim - "with all my heart."  Not just most of my heart - but all of it.  Do I believe in the reliability, truth, ability and strength of the Lord with all my heart?  Do I believe wholeheartedly He is who He says He is?

Lean not on your own understanding.  The understanding I have right now is definitely not firm enough to be leaned on - it would be like leaning on something that you quickly realize is on wheels, falling awkwardly (then looking around to see if anyone saw that!)  But, if I leaned on God - He is a rock and a firm foundation, not to be shaken or moved.  Psalm 18:2 says, "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold."  I like to plan and I like to control.  I take what I know (or think I do) and I try to find a solution - the best solution. One problem is my own understanding is not complete!  I know only fraction of what is going on and why.  Yet I obsess over what I do know or imagine I know or think I know and work myself into a tizzy trying to manipulate the universe into lining up perfectly so that each part of the puzzle falls just right and THEN and only then I will be content and happy and all will be well in my world.  Whew! Just reading that sentence exhausts me...no wonder every few weeks or so I hit a wall and cry out to God saying "I can't do this anymore, please help us!"  That's a lot of energy spent spinning my wheels on things that I won't succeed at.  Why am I looking at things and saying "I know what needs to happen here?"  We've been taught to be problem-solvers, leaders, and planners. But, my understanding is not His understanding.  They are not equal, not the same. Isaiah 55:8 says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.

In all your ways submit to Him. All my ways would include everything I do, hence 'all.'  My ways = my physical actions, my thoughts, my speech, my interactions with others, my desires and wants...  To submit means to accept or yield to a superior force or to the authority or will of another person - or in our case, God.  Do I, in all my ways, accept, bow down, and step aside to allow God to be in control - in the driver's seat?

And He will make your paths straight.  The first three points have been the IF and now this is the THEN.  IF I do this, this, and this, THEN He will do this.  It is a promise - it doesn't say He might, it says He will.  I picture 'making my paths straight' as a clear understanding of what to do, where to go, and where He wants me.  No confusion and lots of clarity. (Sunny clear skies and a working GPS.)  Straight roads are easier to drive than curvy ones (I know from experience since we have a lot of mountain curves on our trip to Indiana.)  They also get you where you are going faster than roads with lots of bends do.  When we do not trust in Him but trust instead in what we think we understand and we do not let Him be in control, I imagine our paths are foggy, curvy, hard to navigate, dark, stormy, with lots of detours, pit stops, standstills, and accidents.  (And isn't it annoying when you are on a long trip and you come to one of these?)  It does not, however, mean that our drive will be perfect.  We may have some of these hardships along the way, but with our trust in Him and not in ourselves with Him in the driver's seat then we are not thrown off course, but prepared, ready, and able to handle what comes into our path.  We throw our hands up and say, "I don't understand, and that is okay.  I trust you with every ounce of my soul.  Your plan is perfect and You will work everything out for my good.  I yield to Your plan in my actions, thoughts, interactions, and wants.  I know that You will bring me clarity as to what to do, where to go, and where you want me!  Now allow me to enjoy the beauty of the drive since You've got it under control!"