Playing With Fire

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.  Galatians 1:10

This has been a big struggle for years and years.  Seeking the approval of man, keeping man (or wo-man) happy with me at all costs.   It drove me nuts when I found out or even just thought that someone 'might' have a problem with me, might not like me, etc.  Even though I've been set free from the crippling addiction that I once had, Satan will throw arrows my way every so often to see if I will entertain them.  Some of what I worry about is very silly - embarrassing to admit.  "Why is it that she has not attempted any contact with me this summer?  Why does she comment on everyone else's facebook but not mine?"  (Let's just face it - facebook can just be a bad place to hangout when you aren't prayed up, huh?  Can I get an 'amen?!')  So does it matter that she's not contacted me at all?  The old addicted me would say YES!, obsess about the thought AND do everything in my power to get my 'fix.'  My approval fix would come in the form of making contact with this person...but not because I want to have contact, but so I can hear the magic words that make my world better for that moment - "no, everything is great, you're fine!"   And there's my high!  My world is okay for the moment.  I'm in control and everyone is okay with me.  There was a point in my life that I didn't even realize this is what I did and why.  Now, as a recovered approval addict, it's hard...still.  The minute a thought like these are thought, I have to put my foot down, like squashing a stray hot ash escaped from the fire.  If I entertain the thought, I'm fanning that hot ash and giving it what it needs to suddenly become an out of control, blazing inferno.  It's a lot easier to stop it with a squash than to try to battle a forest fire!  But I have to be honest, sometimes I just want to play with the fire...

The past few months I've been kind of blah...and since I was already down and really not doing much for God, I don't think I was necessarily a target for the devil.  This past week I've become excited about some opportunities to serve God and His Word has become alive again.  I've talked with a few sisters in Christ and was loved on by my leadership group at church.   I could tell the minute that I began feeling more joyful and hopeful that the attacks began again.  Thoughts that I should not be thinking, fanning the ashes...

The verse says, 'if I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.'  God knows that I used to try to please man and am still tempted often.  If I am STILL trying to, however, I am ineffective for God's kingdom.   I will continue to fight this battle - man's approval will get me nothing.  I want to be a servant of Christ more than I want anyone to like me.  

Help me Lord, to be a good fire fighter - to squash out the thoughts immediately and to focus on being a servant of Christ -- not a pleaser of man!

Image courtesy of digidreamgrafix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Perfect Friend

I wrote this in July 2010 when my mentor and friend asked me to write down my journey so she could possibly use it in a book she is working on.  I wanted to share it, because it is part of why I am who I am today...and how I am 'ok' 9 hours away from most everyone I love.

For as long as I can remember I had placed large amounts of importance on having a true and perfect 'best friend.'  It took me 29 years before I figured out that that perfect friendship does not exist quite like I thought it did.

Growing up and throughout school I had no problem having making friends or having best friends.  Although I was not a Christian and neither were they.  There was a lot of sin entangled and I was not able to recognize it.  As I fell in love with my husband, I didn't place a lot of importance on girl friends.  Things had changed in my life, like becoming a Christian, getting married, and having kids, and suddenly I longed for a best girl friend to share life with again and it was hard to find one!  I began praying for a friend.  Each time a new friendship formed I just KNEW that she was 'sent from God.'  I would dump out my whole history, my problems, my expectations and expect since she was 'sent from God' that she would fix my problems and meet my expectations!  What pressure I placed on these women!!  Sadly, more than a few, understandably, could not handle this pressure and bailed.  I wanted a friend so badly.  Someone to reassure me, love me, want to spend time with me, and to say, 'I choose YOU!' 

After this pattern cycled several times I sought counsel from someone I trusted.  "Why do I keep getting hurt?"  "Why is everyone so mean and inconsiderate of me?"  I was hurt, bitter, and broken.  God began a work in me.  Was I in for a ride!  He revealed who I was, who He wanted me to be, and who I must be in order to be a healthy and Godly friend.  It was not pretty!!  I realized that until I was a healthy individual, I was most likely not going to have healthy relationships.  I also really needed to work on my relationship with God first.  Until I acknowledged and accepted that God is my Strength, my Counselor, my Encourager, my Friend, my Everything -- instead of trying to make my best friend that -- He would not/could not reward me with a healthy friendship!  I was looking to friends to fill those needs in me that only He can fill.  I had fallen into a trap of idolatry that my jealous God despised.

After a year of growing in my relationship with God, getting over the embarrassment of struggling in this area as an adult, and repenting of my sins, God began blessing me with several healthy friendships.  It amazed me the differences I saw in healthy friendships and how much more enjoyable they were!  Yet...I still had a fear of these friends deciding I wasn't good enough for them and leaving me in the dust.  I was often quite miserable obsessively worrying about something someone had said or hadn't said or done or hadn't done. 

God loves me so much that in my 32nd year (3 years after beginning the journey of being a healthy friend) He made me aware that while I could proclaim that 'God loves me,' I didn't really believe it in my heart.  I believed I wasn't good enough to be loved by a Holy God, that I could maybe be lumped in to a group of "Jesus loves US" but not an individual, "God adores ME."  I had never accepted His love that He freely was giving me.  And how could I love others without accepting His love for me first?  My focus was still getting love from my friends instead of just loving my friends.  How in the world was I STILL not getting this?  I thought I was fixed!!

After wrestling with this and reading every book I could get my hands on about God's love, I finally just simply asked God to make it real to me and told Him that I believed and I ACCEPTED His love.  I had never allowed myself the privilege of having it although it had been there all along.  I physically felt His love wash over me and a joy that had not been there before became a part of me.  I gained a confidence -- now I can say that without a doubt, 100%, God loves me, accepts me, wants me, thinks I am worth spending time with, and will never leave me!  It is awesome to be able to say that and mean it.  And knowing that this was what God thinks of me makes it so much less important that I get that from friends.  My new goal is to love people more and need them less.

Accepting His love and friendship that comes with it has made every relationship easier.  I am relaxed and at ease.  Satan still likes to attack me in this area...it is a weakness.  But I am armed with some pretty fierce ammunition now that I know how much God loves me.  I pray regularly to be filled, as a pitcher, overflowing with His love so that His love splashes onto those around me.  I spent way too much of my time behaving as a leaking cup, grasping at others, being disappointed that they could not keep my cup full.   The search for the perfect friend has ended. I am left trying my best to love my friends like He loves me now and keep my focus on the only perfect person - Jesus - who has been my friend all along!