A Season of Healing

My mother-in-law just told me yesterday that she's heard that you should expect one week recovery time for every day spent in the hospital.  She told me this after I turned the keys over and she drove me home after we shopped at two stores and I was ready to fall over.

In November I started having severe pelvic pain.  My doctor was perplexed after an exam and ruling out a few things.  It persisted for a few weeks so she ordered a CT scan.  She called me with the results which showed several ovarian cysts and a 'spot' on my small intestines which might want to be looked at but 'was most likely nothing.'  A consult to a GI doctor was made which led to setting up a colonoscopy - just to get a look since my grandmother had colon cancer.  A consult with a GYN led to an ultrasound of my ovaries and news that the cysts were resolving on their own - good news.

In the mean time, I figured out that the lump that I'd had in my groin that ached was most likely a hernia - thank you Google - you'd think that nursing school would have clued me in!  My doctor set me up with a general surgeon consult.  When Dr. Matthews walked in the room, he and Jeff hit it off since they both attended Indiana University and grew up in Indiana. I think I disappointed them when they had to stop talking about the Colts embarrassing loss and get on with the appointment.  Dr. Matthews' conclusion: Yes, I have an inguinal hernia.  Yes, it would be best to get it repaired. But then, he asked what had been told to us about the CT scan and asked why I had it done.  I told him that I was having a colonoscopy later that week but they had all said 'it's probably nothing.'  He burst our bubble right there and said, no...that is something there...some kind of growth - probably on the outside of the bowel but in the wall of the bowel.  He mentioned a few things that it could be but wanted to wait and see if the GI doctor saw anything inside of the bowel.  So, we left knowing that the colonoscopy was more of a necessity than we thought.

The colonoscopy was uneventful...yes, the prep is as bad as everyone says it is.  The GI doctor saw the area during the procedure and agreed with Dr. Mathews that something was on the outside of the small intestines right where it hooks to the large intestines.  They talked.  Dr. Matthews called me and suddenly we were talking about the possibility of a bowel resection - cutting a section out and sewing it back together...and a long hospital stay.  He mentioned the scary "C" word (cancer) this time when he went over the list of what it 'could' be.  Surgery was scheduled.

I woke up on that afternoon to learn that the 3 1/2 hour surgery led to him and his team seeing the tumor - which looked much like a carcinoma - and proceeding with a right hemicolectomy -removal of a portion of the small bowel, the ascending part of the large intestines, the appendix and some lymph nodes.  Oh - and they repaired my hernia, too.  The tumor had pretty much eaten up the entire appendix and was attached in the bowel wall.  They sent it all to pathology with a promise to know something in 5 or so days.  Recovery in the hospital was hard, but I did it. Lots of nausea and bloating and pain and shots and weird things happening to my body.  No food for 6 days, no appetite, lots of talking about gas and poop.  Fun times.  On the third day Dr. Matthews came in and said 'we got the pathology report back early.  It was an endometrioma and completely benign.'  And the rejoicing began.  6 days after surgery, I went home.

Is anyone still reading?  That was a lot of technical, medical information.  As I think back over the past 7 or 8 months, struggling through depression and the work that I did in counseling to try to heal emotionally...the steps I've been taking to dig in deeper with God and become healthier spiritually... Apparently my body also had some physical ailments that needed attention and healing.

Our bodies are amazing...intricate.  I find it crazy that my physician could separate apart all of that goop inside of me and cut the right parts out and sew the right parts back together. I couldn't tell one part from another when we dissected cats in college!  But my doctor obviously knows the inside of the body well.  I trusted him completely.  God the Physician, God the Healer...He knows my body even better.  He knows every cell, every hair, every drop of blood, every tear, every time my mind is sick, every part that needs healing, every part that is broken.

This is obviously a season for me - a season of healing.  I'm struggling, 15 days after surgery, to accept this.  I'm tired, I'm sore, I'm bruised, I'm swollen, and my mind isn't healthy again.  As much as the doctor 'fixed me'...I'm still so broken and in need of fixing. I trusted God that my doctor would take care of what was wrong with my organs...now, I need to trust that my Doctor will take care of the rest of the mending and heal me.  And maybe I could be patient while He does this.  But I'm so tired. I'm tired of not being well...for 7 months I've not been myself and I've been in pain - whether physical, mental, emotional or spiritual - pain.  

Jesus is here to bind our brokenness.  He is that soothing balm for our pain.  If we were not sick we wouldn't look to our Physician. If we were not lost we would not need a Savior.

Jesus, let me praise You and remember You. Come and heal me of ALL my diseases...renew my joy! Satisfy my desire to be healthy again and light a fire in my heart for bringing You glory. Amen.

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.  Psalm 103:1-5

Image courtesy of taoty at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You'll Come!

Seems like as of late, I carry around in my head a tune - it is a constant song in there...and it is typically a song that we sing praising the Lord at church the prior weekend.  Philippians 4:8 says, "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  So, having a good, true, and lovely song stuck in my head is a good thing!  I just hope that my kids don't start singing "What Does The Fox Say" and mess my peaceful head up!

This week it is "You'll Come" by Hillsong.  This morning I sat down and looked at the lyrics closely and it was such a comfort and reminder to me in this season.

The first words in the song - "I have decided, I have resolved to wait upon you Lord."  - Yup, need to work on this.  Still.  We seem to always need to be reminded to be patient and wait on the Lord's timing.  Why do we always try to do it ourselves.  We've got it.  We know best. Scoot over, because I'm in a bad spot and I want my way - NOW!

"We are not shaken, We are not moved, We wait upon you Lord."  - Again, I don't want to sound like things are bleak and hopeless, but the season that our family is in is not a pleasant one.  And as I look around and listen to prayer requests from our brothers and sisters, I see the pain and struggles that others are shouldering right now.  Wow.  This life is not fun sometimes, right?  As a friend reminded me gently yesterday, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." (Isaiah 43:2, emphasis added).  One of these years I hope to get better at walking above our circumstances - to be like the tree that is rooted by a stream whose leaves never wither with drought. (Psalm 1:3).  I'm certain we will continue to have opportunities in the remaining years on earth to exercise this skill of being content in all circumstances and not letting the circumstances bring us down - and not being bitter or surprised when things aren't going smoothly.  He says we will pass through rivers and walk through fire, but He tells us plainly that we will not be hurt by the outside chaos around us (IF we have our eyes on Him and not on that chaos.)  Blink long.  Refocus.

This song talks a lot about waiting for the Lord - and I am relating it to our preset situation that we don't necessarily want to be in...BUT, I think that the overall message is we're waiting on His perfect timing for Jesus to come back and gather His sheep up.  "As surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, Certain as the dawn appears, You'll Come."  "Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again.  You'll come, you'll come."  -Ahh!  A begging to God to rain His Spirit down and overflow our parched hearts...again.  To be filled to overflowing, flooded.  Yes, please.  It makes it all better.  Like I said, man, this life is hard...for so many.  This song is so encouraging to me- so much hope...He is worth having our hope in and He will come!  We must have faith that He will respond to us (answer us) and fill us up while we are living life here - sometimes feeling as we're barely hanging on.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17)

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18) 

So, while we are here.  Rejoice that we have a hope and an eternal glory!  Have faith.  He'll come.  This too shall pass.  Share the good news...there's something better than this...

"Chains be broken, Lives be healed, Eyes be opened, Christ is revealed."

Image courtesy of Sura Nualpradid / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A Left Out Puzzle Piece, An Alien? Nope...a Woman

Have you ever felt like you just don't fit?  Am I the only one?  I'm like a puzzle piece in several boxes of puzzle pieces and I seem like all the other pieces - I hang out with them and enjoy them.  But when it comes down to it...I'm not one of the pieces of the puzzle.  Like, the puzzle can be put together without me.  If I was lost out of the box - no one would look for me.  Ok, so that sounds pretty bleak, huh?  I can't help but feel a little sad lately.  Overall I think I'm happy.  I feel blessed here.  It is just a new experience - moving away.  We are coming up on being here for two years.  In the past two years I have gone above and beyond 'getting involved' and making new friends.  And I've met a lot of people, had a lot of fun and made a few good friends.  I guess I assume that two years after moving you are settled in perfectly. I just don't think I am.  I still just can't shake the feelings of loneliness that overcome me every now and then.  I feel frustrated too, that I just don't feel a part of the things I'm involved in.  I literally feel like I could stop doing what I do all the time and no one would notice.   Bleak, huh?  Yeah, I know.

God has been encouraging me over the past week as I've been pondering this (even though I've spent the majority of the week moping).  Being patient would be to my benefit - no big surprise here.  Longing for what I don't have is not going to make things better.  Thanking Him for the gifts He has given me - my husband, my kids, my friends - new and old, and my relationship with Him.  Falling at His feet and repenting for my unhappiness with what I don't have.  Praying over what He is wanting for me, what He is leading me to.  The fact that I have not connected deeply in many of the things that I've been involved in and with the people I've spent time with, requires me to take a look at what I should be doing with my time.  Relationships are important.  We were created for them.  I pray that He brings me deep godly connections in my life and that I would shift my need for those to a more healthier thinking -- I do not NEED people (for my purposes), but I want to LOVE them (for God's purposes).

I am encouraged as I read the first chapters of  "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge this morning.  Man and woman were made in God's image.  As women, we long for relationship, to be wanted, needed, chosen...to belong.  God does too - we were made in His image.  He wants these things too!  Mr. Eldridge says, "This is not some weakness or insecurity on the part of a woman, that deep yearning to be desired."  I was just simply amazed by this...and am somewhat relieved to know that it is 'okay' to desire relationships/to want to belong so much - that it isn't a weakness or insecurity.  It's how God made me and every woman.

I am reminded today that as badly as I want those things...God wants them, too.  When is the last time I showed Him the amount of attention that I'd like shown to me?   And when is the last time that I sought after Him fiercely?  "You will find me," says the Lord, "when you seek me with all your heart" (Jer. 29:13).

I also am reminded that I do belong.  I may feel like an alien and have a natural hurt inside because I'm lonely.  But...my citizenship is in heaven (Phil. 3:20) and when the Lord comes back for us, I will belong completely and my heart will be whole.

Image courtesy of Anusorn P Nachol / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Timeless Advice

SOLD and CLOSED!

I just read our pastor's blog a bit ago and enjoyed reading a few scriptures he referenced from Deuteronomy about Moses instructing the people of Israel before they entered the promised land.  I became curious at what all Moses instructed them on, so I looked it up.  

I've compared several aspects of our journey over the past 19 months to what the Israelites experienced - constant/perfect provision from God, grumbling/complaining attitude, the need to remember what God has done for us...  So, I thought it'd be good for me to read up on what God wanted Moses to tell the Israelites after they were finally getting what they had sought after for so long.  He had quite a bit to instruct them on, but a few things stood out to me as timeless advice for us.

• Praise Him and give Him thanks!  When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the LORD your God for the good land he has given you. Deuteronomy 8:10
• Don't forget Who got us here - Who worked it out for us.  Remember!!  Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day.  Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increase and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery.  He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions.  He brought you water out of hard rock.  He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you.  You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me."  But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:11-18
• Worship the Lord, obey Him, love Him and serve Him.  And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?  Deuteronomy 10:12-13
• Guard against worshiping other gods - like money, relationships, things, hobbies, etc.  Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Deuteronomy 11:16
• Intentionally and regularly place the word of God in our hearts and minds and in our kids' hearts and minds.  Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth. Deuteronomy 11:18-20

There's really nothing about these instructions that screams 'You-just-got-what-you-wanted-and-God-has-answered-your-prayers - you-had-better-be-on-guard!'  I wouldn't guess that we'd need to be especially on guard, but the Israelites sure were warned about a lot.  We need to take care to continue to cling to God like we have during our journey.  I can see a big exhale coming.  Relaxing...  slacking...  But we can not slack on our relationship with God...ever.  When I relax and am not diligent about guarding my heart and my mind, the devil can get in quietly and damage is done.   

In the past month while starting to relax some and waiting for our closing we have already been attacked in several ways.  We forgot His faithfulness - we started worrying.  But He quickly taught us the importance of revisiting and remembering His loving care for us.  I allowed a 'vacation' to begin once an offer was made on the house - it was unintentional, but it happened.  My reliance on Him relaxed and I wasn't diligent in my time with Him.  Slowly and quietly my mind was eaten up with lies and untruths about almost every area of my life.  Satan said, "Look here, she is relaxing, she is taking a break, and I know where I can get to her and make her ineffective for Christ.'  I was so thankful that last weekend God brought me to familiar scriptures through friends and books that He wanted me to camp on:  Philippians 4:6-9 says, 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me -- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you.'

So, yes, this season is ending.  Finally.  Another begins though and we will always have struggles.  Circumstances shouldn't dictate our happiness.  Our faith in God will give us joy if we allow it to.  It has been hard, but God has taught us so much while shaping us into people who reflect Him a bit more clearly.  He has sustained us. God has done great things for us and we will sing for joy!  

The Right Door & The Good in Every Situation

Where should I start?  I know I need to write and try to figure out some 'truths.'  My mind is swirling like the leaves in the dreary, windy, cool, gray day today.  

I have told many of you over the last few weeks, "my heart is at home still, but I am willing to do what I need to for my family and go where God leads me."  I guess I'm having a hard time as to where God is leading - I know I need to sit back and remain faithful. Sit back - as in BE PATIENT. Nothing new here.  But I also know that I need to continue having action with my faith - continue trying - continue pursuing other ideas, etc. 

Our Daily Bread

I have enjoyed this past week opening up the windows and sleeping with them open, listening to the sounds of nature and the fountain on the pond.  The cool breeze coming in and blowing the curtains gently - so peaceful.  I worked on my craft room this week, making it more of a cozy place and enjoyed sitting in front of the window at my desk and creating some.

Growing Up

The past few weeks have gone by quickly.  And now, it seems as though spring is here - the flowers on the trees are open, the daffodils are up, the grass is greening, and the trees are all budding.  I love this time of year!!

We had a great visit with my parents.  They stayed for a week and we enjoyed it!  My dad put up wainscoting in the dining room for me - I 'helped.'  After I painted it it looks just exactly the way I wanted it!  It makes me smile to look at it! :)

Evan has started baseball practice - his first game is next Saturday already.  He is doing so much better than last year already and his coach is really great.  It seems like baseball is a big deal here - or maybe it is just that he's a year older this year.  There are some GOOD players out there...wow.  Evan is also enjoying his after school taekwondo that he is doing.  I am helping with the program so I get to watch him each week.  It is well run.  We may have to consider continuing in it after it is over.  Emily starts soccer practice on Wednesday next week.

Unfortunately I had an accident this week.  Thankfully no one was hurt.  The police officer said it was the other driver's fault. It was interesting how all the body shops started calling and telling me that our insurance contacted them and I needed to make an appointment and come get my repairs done.  Too bad that isn't the case.  It's unfortunate how people feel the need to make money.

We had our first women's Bible study at my house on Monday.  It went well.  Three other ladies are doing it with me.  I think it is going to be great!  I am doing an Initials, Inc. party this evening for my friend Alison.  She is in my Bible study too.  I am working on some of the landscaping for around the back part of the house when I can.  It all will definitely need a lot of work.  Good thing I enjoy it.  Love going out there and working.  I'd like to paint a bit more in the house soon too.  Spring is always a busy time with the kids in sports though, so not sure how much more I will get done.  We are so excited to have Jason, Robyn, AJ, and Jillian visiting in just a few weeks and then Chris and Judy, and then my parents again, and then Tyrone, Lynette, and their family for a day! 

Jeff and I continue to pray for guidance, discernment, and to do His will.  We have had 38 showings on our home.  It is constant battle to remain trusting and have faith that His plan is best.  He is growing us though.  And I am glad that we are here.  What an adventure this has been already.  And how we are growing in our faith through this!  We are also growing up - not being right near our parents has helped us with this.  Not that we enjoy not being near them!!  But now that we are...we are forced to 'grow up.'  Seems silly to say when we have been married for 13 years, have two kids, and are 35 years old!  

I definitely have felt closer to the kids and Jeff recently.  I will look at the kids and just try to freeze time for a bit.  I love watching Evan crawl around on the floor with his cars still - I love that he still plays.  But then my heart jumps for joy when I see him doing so much better with baseball this year - actually trying to catch the balls and doing it!  I want to slow time down with Emily who is so pretty and will come out of her room after spending some time getting dressed, doing her hair, getting stuff together in her purse, putting on perfume, and some glittery face stuff...wow...when did that happen?  I went to tuck her in this week and she had used some new shampoo.  It reminded me of the scent she had as a baby.  I just kept kissing her and wanted to snuggle up with her!!  It's good to stop and cherish where they are right now and chisel it into my memories.  Jeff and I are leaning on each other a lot too.  While we are making friends here - we've only been here a few months.  It is hard to not have the friendships like we did in Indiana.  It will come, we must have patience...and I guess in the mean time...I will continue to pour into the three people who matter the most anyway.

Holding Pattern

The sky today is perfect sky blue with no clouds and no wind.  I can hardly believe that there was a hurricane yesterday 200 miles from us that caused such damage.

This morning we went to the club that Uncle Tony is a part of - he flies radio control airplanes as a hobby.  We got to see him do some neat tricks.  And of course, the wind picked up while we were there.  One plane got stuck in the trees, but was retrieved!   This afternoon Emily and I got to do some shopping together and then I helped her with a project for school.  It was nice to spend some time together just the two of us.

Friday I had the opportunity to talk on the phone to my friend during my commute to pick up the kids.  It was the first time I was able to talk to a friend from home since the week before.  I really was amazed at how this lifted me up yet really made me sad at the same time.  I have been a little 'off' this weekend and I just wonder if it is beginning to sink in a bit.  Bible study in Evansville started up yesterday.  An event I really wanted to take Emily to on Friday took place in Evansville.  I can't ride to Monday Bible study with my neighbor anymore, or eat lunch with my buddies on Tuesdays. It's coming out as shortness with the kids and Jeff...they just can't do anything right right now :(  I am sad and probably need a good cry.

I also have realized that I really don't feel as though we have actually moved.  We are in a holding pattern (just like a plane- a maneuver designed to delay an aircraft already in flight while keeping it within a specified airspace.) And we will not land and reach our destination until we move in in the beginning of November. Holding patterns aren't exactly comfortable and all you want to do is land and get on with life.  So...I hope that I can use this time to it's fullest instead of looking to just pass the time quickly so we can land and go about our life.  This IS my life, even in the holding pattern.  We spend so much time just wanting to get to that next point.  It will come soon enough.  And God probably has something to teach me right now while I am holding.

And, since I have realized that I don't think it is going to be really real until November when we move in and start establishing our routines, I have decided to wait and look at taking the study on "After the Boxes are Unpacked" in January.  I think it will be so much more applicable then vs. now.  So, I will be starting the Jonah study at the ginormous church starting on September 13.  

I am not sure what else to say.  I need this right now, so I will share:    
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”~Joseph Campbell     Now, a better way to say it:  "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21  "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11