At this point we realized that we were just plain exhausted. I think we needed to catch up on 7 weeks of rest...we have been constantly 'on' - not completely/fully relaxed at any given time. I guess if you have ever lived with family while trying to keep your 2 kids and 2 cats out of trouble you will understand this!!? I also started realizing that my heart was feeling like it was being ripped out again. Ugh. Really?? I thought I had grieved and we were done with this. I had even asked Jeff if we could not stay at our house when we went home because I was afraid it might be hard on the kids emotionally. Never thought I'd have such a hard time with it. By Sunday morning I was sad, but angry too. I was mad that we were home in the house that isn't sold yet. Mad that we were going to have to go back to North Carolina. Mad that we had missed out on all of our social stuff this fall. Mad that none of our friends had missed out on anything. Mad that I have to put effort forth to meet people. Mad that we are starting over. Ahhh! Mad that the people that keep coming to see our house don't like it. Jeff had to do some maintenance stuff on the house, then we had lunch with some friends, who unfortunately got to spend time with a very non-talkative and not-herself Amy. Someone else came to see our house while we were gone and was only there for like 10 minutes, so it was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. We ended up at Matthew and Kendra's for dinner. We walked in to the most inviting environment. Our good friends - the ones who have been SO completely supportive and understanding during all of this - making a great smelling dinner, windows open with the crisp fall breeze coming in, candles lit, and fall decorations everywhere. It overtook me and within 5 minutes I was on the back porch with Kendra spilling my guts and crying 7 weeks of tears. Ugh. I told her how mad I was. She asked, "who are you mad at?" Silence. "God." More tears. "You need to tell Him." Ugh. We had a great time catching up and being there in between me tearing up every now and then. I just miss it all. I am completely scared out of my mind that we are going to have two house payments soon. Kendra and I talked a lot about this not playing out in the way that Jeff and I thought it would. There is no guarantee that our house is going to sell before we move into our new one. God does not need to make this easy on us. And we need to become ok with this...it might be next year before it is sold. Jeff and I went home and talked...he held me while I cried more. And then we slept....for the last time in our house.
This morning before we left Judy gave us a daily devotion book that she thought would be good for us. Jeff turned to October 10th to read:
Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax, and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love. My Love Light never dims, yet you are often unaware of my radiant Presence. When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. This is a subtle sin -- so common that it usually slips by unnoticed. The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Rather than fearing your inadequacy, rejoice in My abundant supply. Train your mind to seek My help continually, even when you feel competent to handle something by yourself. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently.
Jeff said I needed to share how cool it was that we both needed this this morning and there it was.
We are back in North Carolina now. Can't call it home yet. I am still feeling pretty fragile. Still teary. Still hurting. But, even as I am unaware of His radiant Presence, He is here... Judy is here with us for the week, so I am hoping we will have a fun and relaxing time with her.
Oh, and the feedback from the short visit yesterday was actually good - they might want another showing. And, we have another showing tomorrow afternoon. Guess it isn't all gloom and doom...