In Good Times and In Bad

Winter's cold is chilling, while summer's sun brings warmth.  However, all sunshine and no rain make a desert.  Each season has a purpose.  "Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart" (Gal. 6:9)   (Taken from "Live Beautifully: A Study in the Books of Ruth and Esther" by Lenya Heitzig & Penny Rose)

A very beautiful, tiring weekend we had.  A flight to St. Louis to share in time spent with family, an intimate exchange of vows and a wonderful time of fellowship - meeting people who live life with Jason and Jenny.  I was overwhelmed with happiness for another person.

The Important 'Stuff'

“So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.
“Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” (Luke 11:9-13).

Jesus taught a lot about prayer in Luke 11.  I was thinking about these words - 'ask and it will be given to you' - this past week.

The Right Door & The Good in Every Situation

Where should I start?  I know I need to write and try to figure out some 'truths.'  My mind is swirling like the leaves in the dreary, windy, cool, gray day today.  

I have told many of you over the last few weeks, "my heart is at home still, but I am willing to do what I need to for my family and go where God leads me."  I guess I'm having a hard time as to where God is leading - I know I need to sit back and remain faithful. Sit back - as in BE PATIENT. Nothing new here.  But I also know that I need to continue having action with my faith - continue trying - continue pursuing other ideas, etc. 

Safely Tucked in the Middle

When I was in high school I went with a group of friends to one of the haunted houses in downtown Evansville.  The one with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre weirdo chasing all of the screaming teens out of the building with his very real looking blood-dripping chainsaw.  I broke my tailbone while inside.  Yup, sure did, but no - I can not tell you what happened.  No clue.  It took talent I'm sure.  I never was a huge fan of paying money to go into a place that scared the pants off of you, but unfortunately that is what you did in high school in October.  If you've ever had the pleasure to do this too, then you understand that being in the middle of your group is where you want to be.  You don't want to go first and you don't want to go last.  And you certainly don't want to be alone.  Being safely tucked in the middle shelters you from most of the grabbing limbs and the sudden scares.  Eek...I get a jumpy feeling just thinking about it!!  

Our Daily Bread

I have enjoyed this past week opening up the windows and sleeping with them open, listening to the sounds of nature and the fountain on the pond.  The cool breeze coming in and blowing the curtains gently - so peaceful.  I worked on my craft room this week, making it more of a cozy place and enjoyed sitting in front of the window at my desk and creating some.

Weary and Broken

Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 41:28-31

This has been a long two weeks.  Loooonnnggg.  I am tired and weary and am stumbling and falling.  Right now I need to hope in the Lord so that my strength is renewed.  So I can walk, run, and soar over my circumstances and not become bogged down.  I know.  I have heard.  He is the Creator of the heavens and the earth.  He is not someone we can understand.  He does not become tired or weary.  He gives His own strength to the weary and gives His own power to the weak.  I am so thankful that His Spirit is inside of me, picking me up right now as I stumble along.  I need a recharge!

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Ephesians 6:12

On the morning of August 22nd I woke up at 4am with a headache.  It was so dark and quiet in the house.  It was raining.  A steady hard rain.  I was praying myself back to sleep.  Praying about the sell of our house.  God spoke to me.  He said 'soon.'  I knew it was Him...no question.  I was so at peace, thanking Him.

Since that moment, it seems like I have been battling.  The rulers, authorities, and powers of this dark world and the spiritual forces of evil are present and trying to make themselves known - that is not a joke.   I definitely am not battling with any human right now...well, except my flesh maybe.  I know what I believe yet I question myself. I need to claim what I heard and Who I heard it from - He told me that it would be 'soon' - I need to cling to it. The devil is trying to tell me that I didn't hear it or it wasn't Him. He is also letting me entertain feelings of complete hopelessness on the whole situation.

Since that morning...

• Jeff's company had a consulting group (or whatever you call them - probably could insert some not so nice names here!) in to make some 'suggestions' on how to save the company money.  They made some decisions on cutting some jobs/positions out here and there and reorganizing some others.  They have known this for a few weeks now - us knowing that Jeff would find out on August 30th.  What a weight to carry around.  I'm proud of Jeff - he handled it so well - giving it all to God and letting Him have complete control of it instead of worrying day in day out.  He found out yesterday that his position was going to be fine.  I always felt pretty positive about it - Jeff has done wonderful things with his department since he moved here and has been recognized for it.  But you just never know...and being in the situation we are in... Ugh.  So, praise Him for protection for Jeff's job - once again!
• Our church home of 34 years in Indiana went through some hard changes last week - that had most likely been brewing for a few years.  Many mistakes were admittedly made in handling the changes and unfortunately has left many disheartened and so broken.  We are hurting too for the divisiveness this has caused amongst the body.
• Our church home of 9 months in North Carolina went through some hard changes last week.  Our lead pastor stepped down.  There was inconsistency between his behavior and the standard for spiritual leaders as listed in 1 Timothy 3:1-7.  We are so sad - we so enjoyed his preaching.  And so burdened to pray for him and his family.  What is affecting us the most though - the fallout from this - the ripple effect that goes throughout the families in the congregation.  As life group leaders, Jeff and I are in the midst of this - trying to check in on and comfort and encourage our friends and the church leaders.  Jeff has been incredibly strong through this - speaking truth and God's encouragmenet into lives here and in Indiana.  As a couple, we have decided that our church has handled this the best that they could - taking many steps to prevent it from happening, we agree with the plan they have moving forward so that this is less likely to happen again, and we are letting go of the want to know 'what in the world happened??'  There are several couples/people that I feel we have grown closer to through these past few weeks of this hard, sad time.  So, praise Him for giving us friends - once again!
• I still have not heard a thing from the 7 jobs I have applied for.  But, I will praise Him for providing for us, Jeff's job stability, and more time at home!
• Our house has been for sale for 14 month now (minus the few months the renters were in).  This has been where I have struggled the most...for a year now...wow.  God wants me to trust HIM.  Our sense of security and stability should be found in Him, who never changes and never fails - not our situations, our relationships, our finances, our jobs, our homes, our churches... He wants me to learn this and accept this. I am being broken...I do believe.  God and I have been in a tug of war over this for a year.  I am tired.  Of course, He is not pulling  - I am.  He'll let me keep trying to control it.  Our poor realtor got the brunt of my frustrations this week.  I hear suggestions and advice and I think - ah! maybe that will work - maybe that will sell it.  All the while, God is standing patiently right by my side saying - 'Just give it to Me.'  So I give it to Him, I wait a while...then I take it right back...thinking - you aren't doing anything, so I will try.  “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”(Mark 9:24)  I really do believe.  THIS is what spiritual warfare is all about...I believe.  I do!!!  Then self gets in the way.  Then the devil whispers - 'this is hopeless...it's been 14 months!  take action - you need to do something.'  Then I say - "Get away from me."  Then I'm ok for an hour...maybe.  Exhausted.  Weary.  I will persevere.  God gave me encouragement a week and a half ago.  I will NOT let the devil stomp out my hope.  And as our Indiana neighbors celebrate because they just sold their house in about a month so they could relocate out of state, I will choose to celebrate with them.  He can't make us all have cookie-cutter stories and experiences, so our situation is what we need. Them selling quickly is what they need.  I wrestled Him last night for awhile over this...at least it was a nice night out - full moon, pretty fountain to look at - hopefully no mosquito bites - we'll see!
• I went to the doctor for a UTI on Monday, but am feeling much better from the drugs.  Having palpitations though.  I know that is from stress though.  The three day weekend will help I'm sure.
• The kids started school on Monday.  They love their teachers!  I'm so glad.  
• Emily pulled out her last tooth without us knowing and put it under her pillow to see if the Tooth Fairy would come.  Jeff and I talked to her last night and now my baby girl is another step closer to being an adult.  There were tears...mostly hers.  But she accepted things really well.  And once again, Jeff stepped in and did an amazing job explaining things to her.

So thankful that God has provided us with a great community, growing friendships (new and old), a good school, a good job for Jeff.  That my husband has stepped up and been so strong through this since I've struggled.

I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me.  My flesh may fail, but God - You never will.  Give me strength to trust what you say.  That You're good and Your love is great.  I'm broken inside.  I give you my life.
(click on it - it's a song I've been singing over and over and over in my head for weeks...)

Please pray for me to rest in Isaiah 41:28-31...thanks friends.

Some of What I've Learned

A year ago today we left the comforts of a lifetime in Indiana cornfields and drove to the blue skies of North Carolina. We went through some crazy emotions of loneliness, sadness, anger, excitement, happiness, and jealousy.  We got used to setting our GPS every time we went anywhere.  We got used to introducing ourselves and telling where we came from.  Slowly we have put down roots in NC and cut ties in Indiana.  And today, one year later...we are blessed beyond measure - we love it here.  Our home is here and it is truly where we want to be.  God has done this.  I never wanted to leave Indiana. 

In a year's time you can learn a lot.  Especially when you are grieving on so many different levels.  Especially when most everything/everyone you know is gone.  Here are some of the things I've learned.

• It's ok to cry - even in front of others!
• Getting involved in what we love right away was good for us in so many ways.
• Writing makes it much easier for me to express my emotions, pick things apart, and release my frustrations.
• It's one thing to have a lot of acquaintances, but to have one or two real sister in Christ friends is absolutely a blessing like no other!  Getting redirected back to His promises over and over and over and over by these women have helped me get through this.  Their patience is amazing.  
• Grieving takes quite a while.  Once you think you have one thing dealt with another pops up.  You can't rush it or will it to end.  You have to experience it so it is dealt with when it does end.
• If you've gone through a big move in the past - you understand - you can relate - and you encourage those who are going through it SO much.  I felt so much more comforted when I was talking to or with those who 'got it.'  Not that those who haven't can't - but just not to the same level.
• We have really fun and special times with our family when we see them now since we aren't seeing them every other day.
• When making new friends - you can't wait on them to make the first, second, third moves.  I have to get off my butt and invite invite invite!  Most are too busy to think of doing it themselves, but love it when you do.
• My passion is still connecting other women to other women in order that every woman feels encouraged and loved and a sense of belonging and knows His peace and love through others.
• Another passion of mine is emerging - a sense of urgency that the lost in our own little worlds would know Him and what He has to offer before this life is over. 
• Some friends I thought were friends weren't such good friends.
• Some friends I thought weren't friends were good friends.
• I love to belong to a women's Bible study, but I don't love to lead them.
• Jeff and I are each others family here. He and the kids are most important to me.  Period.
• It is hard to keep in touch with friends when you move, but those "pick up where you left off with" ones are precious.
• You can endure anything for a time.  We drove 2 hours a day for 10 weeks when we first got here last year.  We have now had our house on the market twice - but since July of last year have had this burden.  And not just endure - live...and live joyfully...and learn and grow!!
• We were saved from a situation in Evansville where Jeff would have lost his job earlier this year.  The loose ends of this transition are not tied up yet - but this is where God wanted us.  
• We have no regrets about moving here - because this is where God told us to go.  If we would have stayed because of fear or doubt, I am positive we would have regretted it.
• Jeff and I CAN do handy things around the house without my mom and dad - we just had to try!
• Sunshine, blue skies, and working in landscaping makes me giddy happy!
• It is a pain to move to another state.  Just the work for all of your stuff is enough.  But, the switching of driver's license/plates/registration, voting, address changes, insurances, utilities, nursing license, etc - it has been a job to get it all switched!  
• Talk to new people like they are old friends - it's easier and more comfortable :) They get to see who I am immediately!
• Surround myself with those reflect Him and help me to be a better me.  I need not bother with drama of relationships that I know are not healthy for me.
• It is fun to have the ability to have guests stay with us.  We have been so happy to have had so many people pass through Charlotte and see us or come just to see us!
• Tithing is important and an act of obedience and trust.  I'm learning to do it with a joyful heart.
• Time with Emily is becoming more and more important as these years go by.  We now are having 'girl time' every single night were we can talk about anything and do some devotions together.  
• Patience - ok, well, I'm haven't learned this one.  I'm 'learning' this one.  Everything has been about waiting this past year. 
• It's ok to let a mess go in the house.  I can not stay on top of it as easily here...and it is ok.
• Being by myself is ok.  Being over-committed so I'm not by myself is not ok.
• "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails." Prov 19:21