It's a New Day!

Happy July!  I can't believe it is July already.  I can't believe that our journey began a year ago in July when Jeff got that phone call!  Wow.  I would not take any of this back.  People have been asking lately whether we feel settled?  Do you like it here?  Yes!  Jeff has felt more at home here than he ever did in our last home.  I feel at home here.  I am settled.  Yes, I like it here.  Is everything perfect and rosy all the time?  No.  In fact, the last few months have been dark for me.

I have spent the last few months feeling sorry for myself...about everything.  I have become someone I really don't like to be around.  I've written about it before, so I won't go into every detail.  I did, however, go into every detail this morning when I confessed it all to God and to Jeff and a friend so that they could pray for me.  I have found that I can not pray lately so I decided to write my prayer, because that I can do.  It worked well.  And because James 5:16  says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." - I confessed my ugliness to two people whom I trust the most to pray for me.  When sin is in the dark it is so powerful.  Bringing it into the light exposes it and the power that it has over you diminishes. 

The end of my prayer went like this:

Lord, I confess each and every one of these ugly sins that disappoint You and me both.  I know that you are a forgiving and loving God and for that I am thankful.  Thank you for forgiving me and please please please help me through this day and the next as I heal from this and move back to the place that I've been in before where these sins are not in charge, but You are.  As I have written my prayer out I know that I need to go back to the basics of relying totally on You for my fulfillment and joy.  Please help me to pour into my relationship with You over the next days.  Help me to take every thought captive and make it obedient to you.  Help me to pour into my family.  And please Lord, help me to see You and to feel loved by You.  Fill me with Your love so that I may overflow - I am receiving it right now.  Psalm 90:14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

I am so excited to report that after I prayed this morning that I felt such a burden lifted.  And I also felt like I should make a phone call and check on a friend who I thought might need it.  Which shouldn't have been a big deal.  But ever since we moved here I have become almost afraid to make that step of making a phone call.  I was reminded this morning by this friend though that I can not sit back and expect things to happen.  God wants us moving and we need to trust that He will lead us right.  We have to take that first step.  So, she was blessed that I noticed and checked on her and I was blessed by her wise words.  And, I could see an answer to prayer immediately - I asked that He would help me to see Him and feel loved by Him.  He sent His love.  It has been so long since I've felt that.  It's been there.  I've just been deadened to it.  I'm sure my sins have prevented me from seeing Him.  My eyes have been closed.  I pray that today is the beginning of my eyes being open again and this season of ugliness being over.  Please pray for me.

The Kissel Happenings

The kids on vacation

The adults on vacation

Evan and Patrick playing at the water park

Kendra and I enjoying a day of girl time in North Carolina!

We've had a pretty good start to the summer.  We enjoyed seeing some friends from Indiana, then we traveled to St. Augustine and enjoyed some time with friends from Washington.  The kids and I have joined the YMCA and have loved the outdoor water parks!  What a blessing to be able to go to a pool any day that we want to -we've never had that luxury before.  We are participating in the library reading program.  Even I have been able to read quite a bit - especially at the pool.  It's been nice.  I've read some really interesting books.  If anyone has read "Uncharted" by Angela Hunt - please let me know!!  I need to discuss this book with someone.  Want to know what you thought!!

Jeff and his group just had their most successful month at work.  Probably has a lot to do with him bribing them with promises of his cooking and baking for them!  He is adjusting to the longer commute to and from work, I think.  His office moved to a different location further from home a couple months ago. 

Jeff and I have agreed to co-lead our LifeGroup after one set of leaders left.  Our group is young and has been through a lot of changes over the last six months or so.  I love that we are leading with a couple originally from Henderson - so that is such a neat bond we have.  I do feel uncertain about this decision at times, but Jeff has really stepped up and is doing a great job with it so far.  My role might just need to be to coordinate and plan stuff - I can do that!  I do think our group is bound to do great things!

A Desert...(not a dessert sadly!)

I wanted to write two days ago.  I started writing 3 or 4 different times.  It just didn't feel right. The majority of my blogs since last August have shown how much I have clung to God and how much my relationship with Him has grown - not that that is why I started my blog or what it has to be about.  It just sort of happened that way.  What a journey spiritually I've been on.  You see, I could not have survived this move without Him.  Anyone who knew me five years ago - even a year ago - would have said "no, she'd never be able to move away from everything she knows."  And they are correct!  I could not - but with Him I could!  While I thought for sure that when we moved last August I was going to be in a depressed and dark place - He took me to a mountain top spiritually - allowing me to cling to Him and experience relationship with Him like never before...and growing my faith tremendously.

But now...we are settled.  The 'time of change' the 'challenging experience' is pretty much over.  Things seem normal.  And now...I am in a valley spiritually.  A desert.  I wish I could say I don't know why.  Any relationship that I don't spend any time with at all is bound to suffer.  So, being the awesome, forgiving, and patient God that He is - He is still right there even though I've not had time for Him.  So I cry out.  Several times over the past few weeks.  Yet, silence.  I know He is there.  I just have not been in constant communion with Him like I was when I felt like I needed Him to survive.  I guess it is humanness to not cling to Him like you are dying when everything is going well and normal and comfortable...  I need Him in order to survive every day though - not just during 'challenging experiences.'  Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't enjoy times of change and hardship - but wow...the comfort I had in Him was like nothing else.  And now that I've been there...I miss it.

Instead of blogging two days ago I read this devotion on Psalm 63, When God Feels Far Away.  Here is a portion of it:

It begins with permission to declare the desert:

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

It begins with a statement of the present reality. But then it moves to a memory:

I have seen you in the
sanctuary

and beheld your power
and your glory.

The Psalmist remembers who God has been, the times that were rich and vibrant and emotionally satisfying. And once he remembers who God is, even if he can’t feel God now, the Psalmist can move forward and praise:

Because your love is
better than life,

my lips will glorify
you.

 Ah...perfect.  

The effects of not spending time with Him don't just end with me not feeling close to Him and missing Him...my whole life is affected!  My last few blogs are evidence.  I have struggled with comparisons, jealousy, depression, anger, a judging spirit, and a need to please man and earn their acceptance.  I've felt confused as to what He wants me to be doing.  I've tried to make my loneliness (from not being with Him) better by eating, shopping, praise from others, busyness, and being a 'part' of things.  This seems like the theme of Ecclesiastes...I've mentioned this before.  Solomon tried to put so many things in that God-sized hole in his heart and none of them worked. 

I confess that I didn't want to blog two days ago, because others in my life seem like they are walking so closely to Him and I am ashamed that I am not.  But, it is normal for all of us to have mountains and valleys and He knows what is best for me.  So, I will put that ungodly comparison out of my mind, mind my own business, and move on.  He is not done with me yet.  He still seems quiet as I start to call out to Him again, but "because Your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you!"


KISSEL UPDATES:

Emily and Mrs. Plyler

Evan and Mrs. Gordon

Emily and Evan are enjoying their last day of school today!  I will have a fifth grader and a second grader in a few hours...which I can hardly believe.  There are some new families who have moved in across the pond from us and they have kids Emily and Evan's ages - they are thrilled to have some new friends close by!  Emily received an award for being on the honor roll every grading period and she has gotten perfect attendance this year. She competed on the Knowledge Bowl at school, too.  Evan's teacher has kept him in the top of the reading groups in his class this year and seems to have a knack for spelling like his Dad.  I'm so proud of them.  They both have had great experiences this year, as have I, and we have been blessed at this school! 

I agreed to coordinate a Welcome Wagon for our school's new families for next year.  Since it is definitely a passion of mine to connect people to other people for support and encouragement - this fits in perfectly.  As I thought about it I remembered the Ministry to New Mothers theme verse 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."  Obviously being in a school it isn't a Christian based group or anything, but my desire for doing this stems from the comfort I received so I can comfort others since I've been there...just like it was for the ministry to moms.  A group of us (10 moms were excited about this!) will be writing up a booklet for new parents this summer.  

Jeff and I celebrated 14 years of marriage on Wednesday. We didn't do anything special...but we did do a lot of reminiscing.  I am so thankful that as we have changed, grown, matured, endured stuff, made mistakes, celebrated, hurt - we have become even closer. The saying is true - "I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." Jeff is truly a gift to me...every day.

We are looking very forward to some fun summer weeks ahead, spending time with old friends and new ones!

Same Title 21 Days Later...

So, twenty-one days ago I wrote the blog entitled 'Stop searching for more, Amy!'  I'm still looking...looking everywhere...for something to make me happier.  It is so dang stupid too!!  We are still on the book of Ecclesiastes in church - learning about how silly Solomon was to try everything he did to try to make himself happy.  And in our Bible Study we just studied a chapter on being content.  Am I learning anything? 

A week ago I realized I had begun being very envious of others.  Comparing my life to theirs is what I was doing - I wanted what they had or were getting.  Why can't I fit in here as well as she is fitting in there?  Why can't I do that to make myself look prettier?  Why can't my entire family participate in that event together?  Why can't my husband be as Godly as that husband appears to be?   Wow...really?  Yeah...  I know, pretty sad.  Hopefully I'm not the only one that has ever been stuck in this nasty cycle.

Envy and comparing ourselves to others just leads to discontent. 

Galatians 6:4  Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.

Romans 12:6 ... let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 ...make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands...

Hebrews 13:5  Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.

Father, forgive me for comparing myself to others and wishing I was different or had more.  I should be minding my own business and remembering that You provide me with all my 'needs' and You will never leave or forsake me.  Help me to be content in my circumstances.  I long for joy to return...for simplicity.  Lord, direct my paths and lead me in the ways You want for me.  Show me where to prune and where you want me to grow!

Life has been a complete whirlwind.  I don't think I was even this busy ever in Indiana.  And I'm not saying this in a good way!!  I have not enjoyed being this strung out...not at all.  It is NOT all it's cracked up to be, people!  And I won't be doing it again.  I felt so out of control.  I couldn't remember my address the other day when asked, I was 20 minutes late to a dentist appointment because I couldn't keep it straight, I ended up sick (big surprise, right?), it just is too much.  Maybe most people can do it...I can't.  Let me take that back - I can - but it is not worth the sacrifices I make in the other areas of my life.

Evan taking a swing during practice

Part of the cafeteria for the Silent Auction

Here's some of the latest.  Evan's baseball this season was really fun.  He had a really great coach - one who was more into making it fun for the boys and teaching them the basics than winning at all costs (which holy cow is it big time out here with baseball.!!!)  His last game was Sunday when they lost the third game in the tournament.  Emily's soccer this season was an awful experience for all of us.  Emily became so discouraged with the lack of direction from the coach, as well as his yelling approach.  Her last game was yesterday too, but after she left the field in tears on Saturday we decided that that was enough and did not attend the game yesterday.  The Spring Fling was Friday, as well as Evan's 8th birthday!  The day was long - was at school for over 14 hours on my feet working.  It was so fun to be a part of things though and to get to know so many other moms at the school.  The auction was a success raising around ten thousand dollars!  I love doing it, but will need so much more than just one other person helping next year in order for me to participate...I just was doing too much of it.  Bible Study has gone well.  Our last meeting was this morning.  None of us know what the fall holds as far as scheduling, so I am not sure that we will continue meeting or not.  I will be praying a lot about this, but I am not positive that I will continue.  Emily had her end of grade testing last week and did fantastic.  We are going to enjoy some girl time tomorrow evening and get our hair cut.  

Em looking cute in Jeff's hat

Went back to the doctor last Tuesday.  The ultrasound showed that the bigger cyst on my ovary is gone - which is what they thought would happen.  But...the smaller one that they thought was the endometrioma - it grew and got bigger.  Big enough to cause some pain - but not huge.  So...now...he said it will probably not go away - most likely will stay this size or continue growing.  So...he said we could go ahead with surgery or wait and see if I have any more issues.  I opted to wait and see.  Will go back in 4 months for another ultrasound unless I decide in the mean time that I can't handle the pain.  And of course, I haven't had any pain since about 2 weeks ago when it was so bad I was about to call.

Friday night we will be able to have some friends of ours stay with us overnight as they travel to South Carolina.  We are planning a big breakfast for Saturday morning and lots of catching up to do!  Tyrone and Lynette left Evansville around the time we did last summer and began their new adventures in Arkansas.

The kids have three weeks of school left.  We then will have Matthew and Kendra here with their family!!  And then we will be traveling to St. Augustine, Florida for vacation and meeting up with Scott and Jill and family!  We are so excited to be seeing our friends!  At some point this summer we plan to come to Indiana for a weekend and drop the kids off - my parents bringing them home in a week.  Jeff and I might just have to check out Charleston, SC for a few nights while we have the alone time. We are also joining the YMCA here - they have an outdoor pool/water park.  Our neighborhood eventually will have a pool but we have to have more houses built still, so not this summer!  I look forward to a lazy summer!!

Stop Searching for More, Amy!

 It is weird that almost anything that I'm asked to do or be a part of or anything I hear anyone else talking about being a part of I have a desire to join and do here.  I think it's just that longing/desire to be rooted here...to belong.  But yet I am overwhelmed with the responsibilities I already have!!  Why do I feel the need to do more?? Repeat after me!  Just say 'no' - it's ok...I'm not going to miss out on opportunities to meet people.  God is supplying the opportunities where I am at- where I am involved...  I don't have to go searching for them and chasing them down. 

So - last Wednesday I went to Coffee Buddies - a group that meets just socially from our church at a local coffee house. It was a fun time and some great conversation.  We also had a very fun potluck Sunday with our LifeGroup - the large group - everyone before we split.  It was a fun, fun time!  Bible study was fun Monday morning - I really feel close to these ladies already! Monday morning I also got to meet with the women's ministry leader and another women's LifeGroup leader - Stephanie.  Stephanie emailed afterwards and asked if I'd like to have lunch sometime.  And as I am writing I am realizing that I am involved in enough ways that I can stop searching for more in order to find a few more friends.  The opportunities are right in front of me.  They are all around.  I'm plugged in.  I am a part of things.  I just need to spend some time now (meaning I won't have it RIGHT NOW) and nurture what is developing.  Pastor Rob is preaching on the book of Ecclesiastes right now.  Solomon tried to get happiness every imaginable way...he searched for and got everything earthly he could imagine...yet he concluded that it was all vanity...all meaningless.  In the end he says, "fear God and keep His commandments." (Eccl 12:13)  It's that simple...nothing on this earth placed on the throne of my heart is going to make me happy.  Only God can.  Stop searching for more, Amy. 

Ready to leave for camp!

Sunday night after Emily had a great time at Girl Scout camp and we had a busy weekend, we decided to have a family night at home and get in bed early to prepare for another busy week.  Well, Jeff had a run in with an axe while splitting some wood for his fire pit.  His left thumb didn't make out so well.  We all got in the car and went to the urgent care then on to the ER for some stitches.  It's our first trip to the ER as a family - can you believe that?  Well, it took FOREVER since he wasn't dying - which I am thankful for!  LOL.  Cafeteria there was closed already, of course.  I did contact my friend Jennifer (her and her husband are our couples LifeGroup leaders - and both doctors) on the way to ask where to go.  I couldn't get a hold of her, but she called later and really wanted to come get our kids, but the doctor had finally come in, so it wasn't really necessary.  I also had a sweet neighbor, Jade, offer to drive up and come get the kids.  I did think several times how spoiled we had been all those years where we just call our parents up and have instant help.  It is hard in a new place to think - crap, where is the nearest hospital??  who can watch the kids??  We ended up home with a stitch and a peeled off nail and bandages - could have been so much worse, so very grateful.  Ate at 9, home by 9:30 and kids to bed going on 10.  And after talking about it afterwards, so many others say please call if anything ever comes up again.  We are already blessed and cared for.

But for some reason I am sad.  I'm so worn out, so stressed out.  I am having increased pain now and debating whether to hang on until May 15th for my next ultrasound of the cyst on my ovary or call in about it.  The reason to wait the two months was to see if it went away.  Well, I know it hasn't. I'm a little concerned with whether surgery is going to be the answer.  Between this and being busy I've got a lot on my mind and feel like I'm chasing my tail day after day. (Making jokes about Solomon a lot - 'this is all meaningless!' - maybe I should be saying that not joking!!)  I've also felt a little ill prepared for the parenting talks that have come up lately. I'm sure you never are prepared - or don't feel like you are.  I just desire with all my heart for Emily to not take some of the same paths that I did...  I remember some of her feelings all too well...and I don't want her to have them.  I want her to have her confidence in the Lord.  I need to be on my knees for her more as she is entering into this time of her life.  On another note - she has asked to be baptized!  Most likely will be toward the end of the summer at a service.  

So, I feel more positive after writing.  Ready to get going with the day and tackle it - being thankful for what I do have, allowing Him to lead me, praying for guidance, and placing Him on the throne of my heart where He belongs.

Left Over Thoughts...

While I was trying to go to sleep last night I continued reflecting on what I had just written in my blog about comparing.  I remembered earlier in the evening on the way to Evan's baseball game Emily asked me, "Mom, I heard you say something about a rose bush.  Did you get a rose bush?"  I answered and said, "Yes, I did, I got a knock-out rose bush -- like the ones we had at our house in Evansville."  Then I pointed to the landscaping at McDonald's that we were by and said, "see, like those pink ones."  She remembered and said, "oh yeah, I know what you're talking about."  I told Emily how I got the last yellow one they had because they were really pretty and we'd never had a yellow one before.  She responded, "That's good!  We don't want everything to be the same as what it was in Evansville!"  Me..."yup" - not even thinking about what she said.  And that was the end of the conversation.  It's just like God to use our kids to teach us something, huh?  I'm glad He reminded me how true what she said was later in the evening.

Some verses that came to my mind this morning:

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 43:18-19 
 Forget the former things;
   do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
   Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
   and streams in the wasteland.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is a time for everything,
   and a season for every activity under the heavens:
 a time to be born and a time to die,
   a time to plant and a time to uproot,
 a time to kill and a time to heal,
   a time to tear down and a time to build,
 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
   a time to mourn and a time to dance,
 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
   a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
 a time to search and a time to give up,
   a time to keep and a time to throw away,
 a time to tear and a time to mend,
   a time to be silent and a time to speak,
 a time to love and a time to hate,
   a time for war and a time for peace.


Thankful this morning for my blog...a place that I can write my thoughts and work through my feelings and emotions.  It has helped me to learn and grow and has been an outlet - almost a therapy of sorts for me since August.

The Comparison Game - A New Twist...

I am having a hard time with comparisons.  For once I'm not comparing like this: "she is prettier, more athletic, more likeable, etc" but comparing what I did have with what I have (or don't have) now.  Someone asked me how my Bible Study was going and I answered, 'good.'  Evidently it was underwhelming.  Which - oh my, it is going good!!  After she questioned whether I actually meant my 'good' answer I realized that yes, it is going well, but I am comparing it to my old Bible Study in Evansville - a few years of meeting together and bonding AFTER we had already known each other and served together for years and years before that.  What is just beginning here is NEVER going to compare - so why try?  But be thankful for what I am a part of here.  God is blessing me with these Godly women each week!!

The friendships I'm forming here are NOT "Kendra-like" - and probably won't ever be because she and every other friend back home I'm missing is unique.  Kendra is more 'unique' than most - ha ha ha - you like that, Kendra?   I should not be trying to replace her!  Hello???!!!  Doesn't the girl scout song go: Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. 

The soccer team that Emily is on here is not as good as E-ville, don't work together as well, she's not learning...blah blah blah - you get the point.  Jeff and I have had the hardest time watching on the side-line and comparing almost everything going on (or not going on) with how wonderful the last team Emily was on in Evansville - the one that Jeff got to assistant coach with a buddy and the girls clicked, worked together well, and won every game except one.  We obviously miss it - anyone listening to us would find us quite obnoxious!  Emily even was upset after the past game, as she doesn't have friends on her team - 'like she did in Evansville.'

Our 11 years of living in Evansville, Jeff and I made friends with many 'transplants' - couples who moved to the area from another state.  We always loved getting to know people from other places and the friendships that developed out of it.  Some of our best friends!  What always irritated us though - the comparisons.  Usually though - it was more of the soccer-type comparisons.  "Back home _____ was absolutely top notch.  This type of crap would not be acceptable."  Which considering they were basically putting down Evansville - the place we lived our whole lives and loved - we really didn't like.   Yeah, well, now I understand...  I understand that there are things in the place you lived your whole life that you just like better.  And there are people you don't want to let go of.  And there are things and relationships and groups that will not be replaced.  Since we've been here I've been very conscious of making sure I don't fall into the trap of 'things are not as good here' - of course, God blessed us by moving us somewhere that really is hard to find stuff we don't like!  Just look at these blue skies!! I even made a list on the side of my blog of things we've discovered we love about NC.  But you know what - it is okay that we don't love it all here.   But...it is not good that we are comparing things to how it used to be...because it is going to be different here.  And what 'used to be' has passed and what 'is' is here now.  Does that make sense?  Everything is different here.  I don't have to replace everything I had in Evansville with something identical here.  It's a new time.  Trust.  Be thankful...and gracious...for what we've been blessed with...  Still, allowing ourselves to mourn our losses - there is a time for everything.

Apart From Him I Can Do Nothing

We spent Easter with Jeff's parents visiting us.  Tony and Sue came down and joined us for a meal.  We even made some cheesy grits to go with our feast to make it truly southern!  The kids are on spring break now and I feel like I have caught up on a bunch around here.  The Silent Auction is coming along nicely.  I need to plan Evan's Mario Brother's birthday party that will be in about 3 weeks.  And I am looking forward to meeting back with my Bible Study on Monday after having the past two weeks off.

I have a nagging unhappy feeling that I can not accomplish two things that seem important to me right now.  I want to lose 5 pounds and I want to get up every morning and have God time before anyone else is up.  Why can I not accomplish either of these things? 

Romans 7:15-24  I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.      So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?

I know exactly what I need to do to get these 5 extra pounds off before they multiply into more - I even think about it while I shove the extra bites of chips and chocolate in.  I know exactly what I need to do to get up out of bed in the morning so I can have the quiet time with God before anyone else gets up - I even think about it while I hit snooze for the fifth time.  And while the comfort of the food and extra sleep feel good at that minute (even with the voice in my head saying - 'why are you doing this - this is not what you want to do') that next minute and few hours feels miserable for failing again.  Why do I do what I do not want to do?  Because evil is right there with me.  Satan has found a way to get to me that happens to work right now.  I also know that I am choosing comfort right now in these things over comfort in time with Him - that is sad.  And I sure am putting forth my best effort and my willpower.  But I will never win the war with my own strength.  This I know.  So, today, I am claiming John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing" and Zechariah 4:6 NKJV "Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit says the LORD of hosts."

My Bible Study is on "Discovering God's Will For Your Life," and the lesson that I worked on today was about planning to do His will.  I spend a lot of time planning for things in my life.  I plan my whole day, weeks, months - my calendar is my life - I would literally be lost without it.  I feel in control (somewhat) with it.  How much time do I spend planning to do His Will?  I spend a lot of time organizing my time, planning it all out, keeping the family schedule straight - what activity is scheduled at what time and where.  The "Jesus Calling" devotion for April 1st said this:  "Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life.  Instead, ask my Spirit to guide you moment by moment.  He will keep you close to Me."   Ouch!  Our Bible Study this week reminds me that planning for quiet times, healthy food choices, meals, exercise - all are part of God's will for my life.  But I need to also remember that I can not do any of this apart from Him.  My relationship with Him lately has been somewhat stale.  If I gave any earthly relationship this little attention it would definitely waiver.  Thankfully He is a God who does not waiver and is still right there waiting for me and forgiving me of my lack of effort.  His Spirit wants to help me do better.  He wants me to cling to Him and let Him do some of the planning - follow His lead and release finger by finger that tight grip I have on my time, my schedule, my calendar, my plans.